As humans, we're meant to live in community—"villages," if you will. Receiving emotional and logistical support, such as having a few close friends to speak with about your grief over losing a parent, or splitting chores with roommates or partners, is common and valuable. However, there's a difference between those relationships/arrangements and codependent ones."A codependent relationship is a dysfunctional dynamic where one person relies on the other for emotional validation, self-worth or identity, while the other person enables this dependence, often at the expense of their own well-being because they have the same or similar issue," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.It's essential to know how to leave a codependent relationship if you're in one. "By nature of the dynamic, we cannot grow within a codependent relationship," Dr. McGeehan stresses. "This is the essence of codependency: It keeps you emotionally stunted. If we want to grow, practice healthy boundaries, foster our own sense of self-worth and practice healthy internal validation, we cannot stay in a codependent relationship."Dr. McGeehan shares the most important thing to do to end a codependent relationship—and it's harder to practice than it sounds.Related: How To Stop Being Codependent, According to a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Dr. McGeehan shares that it's crucial to trust yourself when you're leaving a codependent relationship. "It gets at the heart of codependency," she tells Parade. "Codependency says we aren’t whole on our own."Self-trust is the antidote to that mindset."Self-trust says you are perfect in your wholeness, and you can take care of yourself," Dr. McGeehan points out. "It’s empowering and naturally challenges the assumptions that can keep a codependent relationship in a lock."Related: 4 Healthy Expectations To Have in Your Relationship, According to a Psychologist
What That Actually Looks Like
Dr. McGeehan notes that trusting yourself "sounds really easy but is so challenging in real life." She says getting into the practice of noticing what is unhealthy is an excellent first step, and recommends asking yourself: "What am I relying on someone else for that I can meet myself?""Perhaps it’s something small like making dinner or something larger like meeting up with your friends, even if your partner doesn’t go with you," she explains. Dr. McGeehan often recommends visualization to clients in codependent relationships."I encourage clients to imagine themselves as a five-year-old," she shares. "Every time you rely on someone else to meet her needs for validation, protection and identity, you aren’t protecting her."What are you doing, then?"You’re also probably saying yes when you should say no and taking on more than you need to," Dr. McGeehan explains. "Every time you do this, you are abandoning that little girl. So, another way to think about trusting yourself is to stop abandoning that little girl."She loves this exercise because it makes self-compassion a bit easier for many people to swallow."While someone may have an easier time talking down to themselves, they usually have an easier time treating a child with love and respect," she continues. "When we can bridge those two truths together, it can make for powerful behavior change." Related: Psychologists Are Begging Couples To Look Out for These 15 Signs of an Emotionally Immature Relationship
Leaving a codependent relationship may be the best thing for you, but it may not feel great. That's normal."There is a big misconception that if something doesn’t feel good, then that means we aren’t supposed to be doing it," Dr. McGeehan says. "However, anything worth having usually comes with some discomfort because it’s new. Being able to accept this truth will allow you to make healthier choices about your relationships."Related: People Who Felt Constantly Scolded as Children Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Make a list of the needs you've been avoiding
Sometimes, the list helps you realize you've been avoiding more than you realized—think things like working out, eating nutritious foods, hobbies and developing healthy friendships."A lot of times, we will focus on wants as a way to avoid our needs," Dr. McGeehan says. "Realigning with our needs sends the message that we can be trusted to take care of ourselves. Feeling that trust will allow you to move forward in building healthier relationships."Related: 7 Signs You Have a Codependent Relationship With Your Mother, According to a Psychologist
3. Set boundaries and hold them
Healthy boundaries can guard against falling into old, unhealthy patterns. Again, prepare for internal and external friction, especially at first."The more you set and hold boundaries, the more confidence you will build," Dr. McGeehan says. "Over time, this will continue to support you in building healthier relationships."Related: 'I’m a Psychologist—Here’s the #1 Reason You Might Need Couples Counseling'
The No. 1 Thing To Avoid When Leaving a Codependent Relationship
Dr. McGeehan warns against waiting for the "right time" to leave a codependent relationship. "The biggest mistake people make when trying to leave a codependent relationship is waiting until they feel ready," she stresses. "This is such a natural desire, to want to feel like you are ready to walk away from an unhealthy situation."However, your want is likely not what you need. "The reality is that behavior shapes belief and, therefore, we should behave in a way that will send the message that we are ready versus the other way around," she explains.
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Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist Read More Details
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