It happens in a split second. A coworker asks when the report will be ready. Your child wants to know why people dream. A friend, her voice a little shaky, asks what you would do in her shoes. You don’t have the answer, so you grab the fastest exit available.
“I don’t know.”
They’re three tiny words, and they feel perfectly honest. But psychologists say they can do something you never meant to do: quietly close the door on a moment that might have drawn you closer to someone.
“Saying ‘I don’t know’ can shut down a conversation,” Dr. Erisa M. Preston, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and regional psychotherapy director at Mindpath Health in California, previously said in a Parade story on phrases to say instead of “I don’t know.” Dr. Preston explained that the phrase tends to discourage follow-up questions, which means the other person may stop asking, stop sharing and walk away feeling a little less heard.
Think about how that lands on the receiving end. Someone works up the nerve to ask something that matters to them, or simply wants to feel that their curiosity is welcome, and they get a flat dead end. Nobody means to do it. Most of us say “I don’t know” on autopilot because we’re flustered, rushed or worried about looking unprepared.
The good news is that you don’t have to fake an answer, and you don’t have to give up honesty. With a few small swaps, you can admit what you don’t know and still keep the conversation alive. Here’s what psychologists recommend.
Related: 5 Surprising Conversation Starters That Will Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to an Etiquette Expert
Why ‘I Don’t Know’ Can Feel Like a Closed Door
Dr. Preston was quick to point out that a shutdown isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes people use the phrase on purpose to set a boundary, and she said that’s perfectly fine. The trouble starts when it slips out by habit and you never intended to end the discussion.
Parade has covered a similar dynamic with other stock phrases. In a story about alternatives to asking “How are you?”, psychologist Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., says the question is “too generic and doesn’t show true concern.” A rote question invites a rote reply, he explained, and the exchange fizzles before it can become real connection. “I don’t know” works in much the same way: It’s an automatic answer that gives the other person nothing to build on.
Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., founder of Balanced Awakening, said we also tend to reach for the phrase too quickly, when what we often need is simply more information. Her suggestion was to respond with “It depends” and then ask a follow-up question, which buys you time and helps you land on a better answer. She also noted that when you’re facing a hands-on problem together, such as a half-built piece of furniture, a shrug can sound as if you have no interest in finding out.
Blunt phrases like “You’re wrong” are easy to recognize as conversation stoppers. “I don’t know” is sneakier because it sounds so harmless. In a Parade story on what to say instead of pretending to agree, clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., warned that a “You’re wrong” stance can make the other person “instantly defensive.” Whether a phrase is harsh or breezy, the result can be the same: The listener stops listening and the connection stalls.
Related: If You’re a High-Level Thinker, You Likely Use These 13 Phrases, Psychologists Say
What To Say Instead of ‘I Don’t Know’
The goal isn’t to sound like you have all the answers. It’s to show you’re willing to go looking for them. These are some of the phrases from the previous Parade roundup that the psychologists love to use instead.
“I’m not sure, but I can look that up for you.” Dr. Yang said this one admits you don’t have the answer on the tip of your tongue while showing you’re ready to find it.
“I wonder the same thing.” Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry, said this puts you and the other person in the same boat. Instead of feeling brushed off, they feel like a teammate.
“That’s a really good question.” Dr. Schiff told Parade this tells people their curiosity was valuable, even if you can’t answer it. Dr. Preston agreed, noting that an unanswered question can still be worth exploring together.
“I’m not entirely sure, but I can direct you to someone who does.” Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, liked that this response doesn’t suggest you should have known. In her view, nobody in any personal or professional setting is expected to know everything.
“I wish I had that answer for you.” Dr. McGeehan called this phrase honest and vulnerable. She said she often recommends it to parents whose kids ask big existential questions, including ones about death.
Related: 6 Things Successful People *Always* Do in a Conversation, According to a Neuropsychotherapist
When ‘I Don’t Know’ Is Still the Right Answer
Despite all this, none of the experts said you should never use the phrase. Dr. McGeehan explained that honesty is always the best policy when you truly don’t know something. Dr. Schiff added that people tend to respect those who admit the limits of their knowledge, and that bluffing can send someone off in the wrong direction with bad information.
Dr. McGeehan pointed out a special benefit for parents. When you say “I don’t know” with openness instead of embarrassment, she explained, you show your children that not knowing everything is OK and that they can go out and find answers themselves. Over time, she told Parade, that builds resilience and a more trusting bond.
So the issue isn’t the words themselves. It’s whether you leave the conversation open or closed. The next time those three words rise to your lips, pause for a moment and add one more sentence. It could be a question, an offer to look into it together or a simple “That’s a great question.” That small addition can turn a dead end into a doorway.
Adapted from Parade’s “13 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘I Don’t Know,’ According to Psychologists” and “11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Agreeing With Someone—When You Actually Disagree, According to Psychologists,” both by Beth Ann Mayer, and “9 Phrases To Replace Asking ‘How Are You?’ When Greeting Someone, According to Psychologists” by Laura Beck
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Sources:
Dr. Erisa M. Preston, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and regional psychotherapy director, Mindpath Health Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., founder of Balanced Awakening Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologistHence then, the article about psychologists say this common 3 word phrase can accidentally shut down a conversation hint it s not that doesn t work was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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