I’ve been married to my wife for 19 years. During that time we’ve supported each other through the grief of losing parents, health scares, house moves, world travels, and our greatest achievement: raising a beautiful son together, who has just gone to university. But sadly, I can’t stop wondering where we went wrong: I feel like my wife doesn’t love me anymore.
She is no longer affectionate with me, it’s like getting blood out of a stone to even try and get a kiss goodnight sometimes. It goes without saying that we haven’t been intimate for months. She always goes to bed before me, and I wouldn’t say I’m the funniest man in the world but she used to laugh at my jokes. Now, she mostly gives me an awkward smile – sometimes she doesn’t bother at all.
Even though I’ve tried to plan a few dates, she’s no longer interested in going out to do stuff just the two of us anymore, but she’s always keen to go out with her girlfriends. It breaks my heart. What should I do?
Tom, 47
***
Let’s pause for a moment to ask yourself what are the actual facts? Seeing “signs” and wondering what has “gone wrong” or even assuming that she doesn’t love you anymore can be dangerous, because signs can be misinterpreted.
The key to any good relationship is communication. As a starting point, rather than an outright “Do you love me? Do you not love me?”, ask what is or isn’t working for her and really listen.
At the same time, tell her what is and isn’t working for you if it feels right in the conversation. She may or may not ask, but don’t make it an “I’ve heard you so now you need to hear me” type of conversation. Give this depth of conversation the time and space it needs. This way, in time, you can both highlight what parts of the relationship might need more attention, while allowing you to reflect on the good bits – so you can learn and grow together.
At this age and stage in life, and after everything that you’ve been through, you’ve both surely grown and changed. The world has changed. Both your hormones have changed.
As women grow older, they will go through perimenopause and with that comes a difference in energy, behaviour, attention, and connection. Your wife could be experiencing brain fog or insomnia, overwhelm or the need of female company. Are you inquisitive about what changes she might be going through and the support or space that she might need?
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Very often in these situations, men get scared, start to worry, or get into their heads. But it shouldn’t be about rushing into fixing or doing anything. It might be about unlearning the versions of yourselves you have been, and just being present and understanding that you are moving into the next phase of life together, but also as individuals.
Your son has grown up and gone to university – what an incredible achievement for all of you. Your relationship has gone through an intense phase of parenthood and your son has flown the nest, so you and your wife might be reassessing your identities, purposes, and feeling empty nest syndrome.
What is the next phase? For your wife, her focus may be on a lot more self-nurturing, particularly after a phase where she may have put her own passions and needs on the backburner. She may be entering the next phase of her life where she wants to get to know herself better, expand her social circles, and put herself first.
What is your love language? And what is hers? Are they gifts, physical touch, quality time, acts of service or words of affirmation? Find out and speak to her in her language of love and let her know what your language is.
It’s not about demanding affection. If your actions are coming from a place of fear – demanding “where is my goodnight kiss?” or “why aren’t we intimate?” – that’s not sexy, that’s enough to repel her. Take care of yourself – eat well, exercise, calm your mind, see your friends and take care of your emotional needs, maybe share this leg of your journey in a men’s group. Be available to her rather than chase, because under pressure she can only run away.
It’s also very normal in different stages of life development and relationships that there might be a phase where one or the other doesn’t want physical touch. Sexual acts and acts of intimacy require vulnerability and best done when there is a heart connection. You both might need time to reconnect with your own hearts and get up-to-date with who you are as individuals to start this next phase in a relationship.
Instead of focusing solely on the bedtime kiss, it might be holding hands or using a gentler tone of voice. Whatever the mode of connection you both prefer, physical or not, grow into it tenderly and authentically and consciously build from there.
It’s normal and healthy to go to bed at different times – it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad. You might have different routines, and that’s OK. Find out about her sleep and need for space and renegotiate the boundaries, but come from a place of love. She may be up for a morning cuddle if she knows that your door is open and the pressure is off.
In terms of your wife no longer laughing at your jokes, maybe it’s no longer about jokes – maybe there’s a lot more depth to be had and common interests to explore that are more interesting than one-off jokes. That awkward smile is clearly saying, “Stop the jokes. Stop being so needy”. What does she laugh at in life now? What is she curious about and what might you both like to share?
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It’s positive that you’ve tried to plan dates, but maybe it’s a case of asking her what she actually wants to do and plan together. Be very wary of searching for your answers online. It’s funny because I think a lot of people would go to ChatGPT or even Google before they actually even ask the person they love how they are and what they want. In the old days, men would speak to other men and learn from each other’s experiences. But people are unique and what might work for someone else might not work for you.
My advice to you would be to do less, open your heart, take care of your own needs, and gently ask her what her needs might be. Ask questions like: How are you? How are you sleeping? How do you dream that your life would be over the next few months – or years? Move into a space of curiosity rather than trying to fix something that is broken.
This next phase of your own growth is probably the ability to simply be. Less fears, fantasies and the need to fix – and more calm space to listen, respond and be with yourself; so you can be with each other in your next chapter of love.
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