There is a woman who lives opposite to me who pushes a bulldog around in a pram. It’s not that it can’t use its legs, you understand, it absolutely can. I know that because I asked. She likes to take the dog to a café on our street and buy it an iced bun. I see them in there quite regularly and it always gives me the creeps. To be honest, its not really the pram thing that gets me, it’s the special cushion she brings along for it to sit on – that and the extensive wardrobe this dog enjoys. It’s the cooing and fussing. It’s the babytalk. There’s no other word it – it’s the mummying. This goes way beyond just loving your dog and into the realms of a Disney musical.
There is something deeply disturbing about watching an animal, originally bred to bait bulls, being fed a cream tea while wearing a tiara. Don’t get me wrong, I would much rather watch that than witness it actually try to take on a bull, but only just.
I know what you’re thinking: “she’s not hurting anyone, Kate. Let her breastfeed her bulldog in peace if makes her happy.” And I would agree with you, but the problem with many of these doting pet owners is that they often expect other people to buy into the anthropomorphic fantasy as well. This dog’s “mum” likes to wheel her around the café for other patrons to pet. The café owner seems to be in on this as well because they never try to stop her – and she needs stopping! “Ma’am, I’m trying to enjoy an Eccles cake. I don’t want a bulldog in drag on my knee.”
Look, I am not a heartless monster. I know how much people love their pets, and rightly so. You should love any daft animal you decide to take into your home; be that a husband or an iguana. They all deserve to be cared for, exercised, and fed properly. But, and I’m sorry to say this, not everyone loves your pet as much as you do and boundaries do need to be respected.
My mum has a dog, a little westie called Maisie, and Maisie is deeply loved. But when we are out and about, she is kept on a very short leash – both literally and metaphorically. She can’t be let off her lead because at the slightest hint of a squirrel and she will be gone. She has zero recall skills, the IQ of a chew toy, and doesn’t seem to actually understand that she is a dog. In fact, if you could ask Maisie, “are you a dog,” she’d laugh in your face. “A dog? Ha! That’ll be right. I’m one of them tall monkey things over there.” This is all fine within the confines of the home, but not when other people are around.
And yet, I have lost count of the number of times dogs, off lead, have come charging over and start jumping up when I’m out on a run, only for the owner to laugh it off. “She’s harmless!” “Don’t worry, he’s just a big softie,” they’ll say. I’m sure he is, but you’ll forgive me for not being too happy about my path being blocked by a Doberman who wants to hump my leg. Keep your damn dog on the lead!
None of this is helped by the fact I was badly bitten by a dog that was “just being friendly” as a child. It took a chunk out of my side, and I had to have stiches and a tetanus jab. So, I don’t like dogs I don’t know, but it isn’t just the dog people who assume you will love their pets as much as they do.
I’ve been in professional, work based messaging forums where someone suddenly asked everyone to share pictures of their cats! I could see how much fun all the cat people were having, but it was a work chat. I had to dig back past 100 odd pictures of cats I didn’t know to find the agenda of the last meeting. Maybe I am the problem and again, I know how much people love their pets, but I love Tom Hardy, and if I had taken to spamming a work chat with endless pictures of Tom looking cute, HR would get involved.
The language around pets seems to have undergone a significant shift in the last decade, or so. I’ve heard perfectly sensible people talking about “fur babies,” being a “cat parent,” and posting pictures of their pet online with funny POV jokes about their “hooman”. There are dogs on Instagram who eat better than I do. There’s a lass on TikTok who has her private chef prepare Wagyu steaks for a dog she talks to like it’s a toddler.
I can’t be the only one who finds this all a bit uncanny valley? I feel the same way about a dog in a handbag as I do about those ultra realistic reborn dolls some people carry about in a kiddie car seat. It’s not a real baby! Don’t try and make me live in your fantasy! Not even the dog’s real mother dressed it up as a Christmas elf, so maybe take it down a notch?
Look, it’s a mean old world out there, and we all deserve a bit of joy in our lives. If putting a Komodo dragon in a papoose or calling a conger eel a “support animal” makes you happy, then you go right ahead. But please don’t expect other people to come along for the ride. I’m not going to coo over photos of your goldfish or be sympathetic to a custody battle over a gerbil. Get a grip.
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I’m not even sure the pets should be along for the ride, if I’m honest. Yes, you get a lot of joy out of giving a pug a facial, but it is an entirely one-sided experience. The poor dog can’t consent to any of it, and I’ve yet to meet a dog trainer who recommends dressing your pooch up like Superman or making it sleep in a bassinette. They tend to favour the opposite.
In fact, research tells us that anthropomorphic behaviours towards pets can actually result in traits such as fear, anxiety, aggressiveness – in the pet, not the human. It can also heighten the risk of transmitting zoonotic diseases, and dressing animals up, doing their nails, and carrying them about can result in various dermatological and orthopaedic diseases. In short, it might make you feel good, but it’s not good for your pets. You can love them and still respect them as a different species.
I confess, I do feel rather mean about this column. I don’t like pouring a cold bucket of water over someone else’s fun, but if I have to navigate a world full of other people’s pets, then I do have a dog in the fight, so to speak. Just don’t gentle parent your pet out in public and expect anyone else to be onboard with this, especially when said pet is behaving badly. Keep your dogs on a lead, keep your cats out of my work emails, and for God’s sake, keep them all away from my Eccles cake.
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