8 Private Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Always Keep to Yourself, and Why ...Saudi Arabia

Many of us have racing thoughts in our heads. It can feel like we're in a constant, private one-on-one conversation with ourselves. Sometimes, it's best to voice (or text) these ideas, opinions or feelings. For instance, texting a pal, "I've been thinking of you," might serve as the pick-me-up she didn't know she needed. Speaking up about an innovative work idea can benefit your company—and you (hello, raise?). However, other times, psychologists warn it's best to keep private thoughts to yourself."You don’t have to say everything that crosses your mind," shares Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D.,  a neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. "Some thoughts show up half-formed or driven by stress. If you share them too soon, they can be misunderstood or even hurt someone you care about."That's not the vibe. Psychologists share eight thoughts to always keep to yourself. They also give advice on how to determine whether to zip your lips or speak up.Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn

Dr. Hafeez advises against sharing private thoughts, such as, "Wow, she looks like she’s gained weight." "This is unnecessary and can hurt someone's feelings," she says.Even if the person isn't in earshot, the comment can still reach them. Another psychologist agrees that it's simply best to filter overly harsh remarks like this one—by keeping them to yourself."There is no need to share a judgment of yours about someone's appearance," stresses Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "Sharing this serves no purpose other than to potentially hurt or embarrass them. Keeping them private shows respect and kindness. Not to mention, these thoughts are often fleeting and don't help relationships."Related: 5 Things Classy People Never, Ever Reveal About Themselves in Public, According to an Etiquette Expert

2. “My ex was way better at this than you.”

Speaking thoughts like this one into existence can harm your current relationship, Dr. Hafeez warns. Dr. Schiff agrees that comparisons can create tensions and jealousy."They are subjective and unnecessary," she says. "If you share it, it will only damage trust and make someone feel bad."Instead, try advocating for your needs and wants—from a tidier home to more intimacy—using "I" statements that don't bring old flames into the mix, such as, "I would love it if we could hold hands on the couch without our phones more often—it helps me feel closer to you."

File this one "unedited" and "unnecessary" right alongside weight-related commentary. Like those critiques, this private thought should remain in your head."This comment can come across as cruel and inappropriate in almost every social setting," Dr. Hafeez emphasizes.The baby may not side-eye or shut you out, but another psychologist agrees that unfiltered thoughts like this one won't make you many—or any—adult friends."Sharing your unedited opinion, which will likely feel like a criticism, has the potential to damage relationships and distance people from you," says Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks. "It may be better for you to examine where these critical opinions come from."For instance, maybe you grew up in a home where adults were hyper-fixated on looks.

4. “They probably can’t afford this place.” 

Maybe, maybe not. Either way, Dr. Hafeez warns it's not your place to comment on how someone else spends their money unless you share a bank account. "This comment is negative, and all it does is put someone else down, especially when it has nothing to do with you," she explains.Often, people voice private thoughts like this one when they're seeing green (and we're not talking about Benjamins)."Envious thoughts...are normal but speaking them aloud can cause damage to or conflict within relationships," Dr. Miller says. "Rather than speaking the envious thought, you could acknowledge what you like about someone’s life or situation and find gratitude for what you have in your life."Related: 9 Surprising Confessions Psychologists Say Can Backfire if Shared With the Wrong Person

Understandably, you may have this thought, such as if an in-law repeatedly oversteps boundaries by showing up at your house unannounced or critiquing your limits on sweets. However, Dr. Hafeez shares that speaking this private thought into existence in this precise way can cause rifts in relationships.More generally, Dr. Miller advises against sharing thoughts that pop into your head when you're feeling emotionally raw."These types of thoughts are often powerful and could be easily misunderstood," she explains. "It is better to process your emotions and discern how you’d like to communicate this thought." 

6. "I make way more money than you."

Salary transparency can benefit people who advocate for their worth. However, this comment can make someone feel rather worthless, so it's best to keep it to yourself (or say it in another way)."This comment is bragging and shaming the other person, which will create resentment," Dr. Hafeez says.

Again, it's not always the intent behind the thought (concern for a friend). It's the way it's conveyed. In this instance, Dr. Hafeez warns that the thought comes across as "harsh and unhelpful.""It rarely goes over well," Dr. Hafeez reports.Dr. Schiff isn't a fan of sharing negative and overly harsh opinions, such as this one."Saying this can put a strain on the relationship, and voicing this personal thought won't lead to change, but more likely defensiveness and resentment," she explains.Related: 7 Phrases That Subtly Suggest Someone Feels Resentful, Psychologists Warn

8. "You'll never guess what I heard/what so and so told me..."

If someone tells you something in confidence, it's generally best to keep it that way rather than sharing it (and your commentary on the secret) with others."Knowing secret information about another does not mean that you have to share it," Dr. Miller says. "Oftentimes, it causes the sharer to be viewed as a gossip, which can erode others' trust in you."She notes there are times when it's best to risk losing trust to help someone, such as if the secret involves causing harm to themselves or others. However, if they shared something—like an issue with an intimate relationship or a medical diagnosis they're receiving care for—honor their requests for privacy (and feel honored they trusted you).Related: The #1 Best Way To Stop Being Defensive in Relationships, According to Therapists

5 Tips for Developing a Filter

In a world bent on instant gratification, be the unicorn who takes a beat."This allows you to assess whether your words are helpful, kind and necessary," Dr. Schiff explains. "It gives your brain time to process your emotions and prevents saying anything impulsive that you might regret later."Related: 11 Personal Details Psychologists Say You Should Always Keep Private

2. Speak second

Sometimes, it's better to follow than lead, especially when you're trying to choose your words more wisely."In a group situation, allowing others to speak first will give you useful information regarding the tone, subject matter and openness of your companions," Dr. Miller says. "Also, this can help you take a mindful pause to process your thoughts and decide what you want to share."

Consider this one a modern twist on the tried (and truly helpful) advice to journal your private thoughts."When you're feeling angry, open a fresh note and type out the exact words you want to say," Dr. Hafeez suggests. "This will help get it off your chest without hurting the other person's feelings."Still hurt several hours later?"You can have a conversation with the person, but you will most likely say it in a better tone since you allowed yourself some time to think about your delivery," Dr. Hafeez notes (no pun intended).

Related: Quiet the Anxiety in Your Head—20 Best Ways To Stop Overthinking

4. Rate your anger on a scale of 1 to 10

The higher the number, the more you could benefit from pausing and reflecting before responding."If you’re above a 6, don’t answer yet," Dr. Hafeez says. "Strong emotions can alter judgment. It's better to cool off first, as this prevents over-sharing or saying something harsh."

5. Practice empathy

Lean into the golden rule that you learned in elementary school: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Dr. Schiff stresses that empathy is key here."Practicing empathy can also help because it helps you imagine how your words will feel to someone else," Dr. Schiff says. "This makes it easier to hold back comments that may be unhelpful. Empathy acts as a natural filter, helping you choose language that builds connections rather than causing harm." 

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Related: 9 Things You Should Always Keep to Yourself, According to Psychologists

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