“We’re just not as close as we used to be – I want to talk to her, but I don’t know how.” It was a Tuesday morning, and this was the first in a slew of messages popping up on my screen as soon as I opened my laptop. I penned a kind but professional reply about how to gently approach the issue based on all the information I knew about this particular couple. I was starting a day’s work, not as a therapist, but as an OnlyFans creator.
I joined the platform in 2024 after quitting my job at a big newspaper because of a militant boss. I quickly went from living the dream in the New York office to moving back to London and entering survival mode in a cost-of-living crisis without any savings or income. I spent months in a futile job hunt by day, and working in a bar by night. After another day of sending applications, I thought I might as well try my hand at OnlyFans.
I’d always been confident both physically and sexually, and had briefly tried the app before (which allows users to share and buy exclusive, mostly adult or pornographic, content). I was excited to see what it had in store. I expected it to be glamorous photoshoots in expensive lingerie, and risqué text exchanges with single men. It turned out that most of my work involved speaking to men with wives or girlfriends about their relationship woes.
I’d log on every morning to over 100 messages. Yes, lots of them were asking what my day ahead looked like, or wanted access to my photoshoots, but over half of them were men asking for help. I’d become a professional, sexy and unthreatening advice dispenser. I’d give tips on anything from whether men should take the promotion, to the best way to resolve an argument with their partners. Some men would even chew my ear off about parenting, knowing full well I was single, in my twenties, and deeply unqualified.
I’d offer men photographs or more lewd digital services, which some accepted, but most just wanted to continue chatting. They didn’t want to look at me or use the platform to its fullest, only speak about their own lives – sometimes paying upwards of $100 (£74) for a simple conversation. I became an agony aunt for dozens of lonely or confused men.
One regular client would message me in the evenings while his girlfriend was at home with him, sometimes sitting next to her. He would ask me what he should get her for her birthday and how to plan a surprise party with all her girlfriends. Some would wait until their significant other was asleep and then offload all about their mother-in-law.
Occasionally, our chats would extend to their sex lives. I recall one man sharing with me that his girlfriend wasn’t satisfying him in the bedroom and he wanted to try some toys and positions that she wasn’t comfortable with. He asked me how he could bring it up, and why she didn’t want to explore this with him. I told him to respect her boundaries and that no means no. I was a listening ear, not there to push the sexual desires of men onto their partners.
‘I’d offer men photographs or more lewd digital services, which some accepted, but most just wanted to continue chatting’I received one memorable paragraph from a man who had a crush on a girl who had rejected his advances. He shared every detail about their interactions. He sent screenshots of texts between them and asked me to reveal the hidden meaning behind every word. He seemed to think being a woman meant I had the power to read the minds of every other one. I told him that his behaviour was too much and it sounded like she was getting afraid of him, and to very much leave her alone to avoid a restraining order.
It is scary to think that there are probably lots of men out there who are too afraid to have these conversations with their friends or a trained professional, or their own partner and so they turn to different corners of the internet, whether it’s Reddit, ChatGPT or OnlyFans, for relationship advice. If a different creator advised that man to keep chasing his crush, it could have had serious consequences.
Still, I was being paid to respond to my clients. I tried to be as distanced as possible and would regularly remind clients not to provide real names and refrain from sending personal details or intimate messages. I’m happy to be a shoulder to cry on, but I’m not a trained therapist.
Clearly, these men found freedom in speaking to a stranger about things. They could ask me anything from a nameless and faceless account without the risk of being exposed. They could delete their account in seconds, leaving no trace. I think it reflected most men’s general attitudes to websites like OnlyFans and sex workers – that if they’re not looking at it, it doesn’t exist. Sex work is transactional, a service and exchange between two people which mainly revolves around the physical. I was taken aback by just how many men were so lost they were seeking a more emotional and advice-driven service.
I retired from the site after a year, ready to move on to something new. During my time as an OnlyFans creator, I had not become the glamour model I’d set out to be – instead I’d started to feel like one man’s mother, and another’s therapist.
Of the 377.5 million active users on OnlyFans, I wonder how many are misguided men, searching for advice and paying for it, when the answer is right there on the sofa next to them.
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