Retirement is supposed to be a reward, the time that you and your spouse finally have to yourselves, but many couples find it actually tears them apart. Gray divorce is a common phenomenon, but you don’t have to go down that road. We talked to three therapists who specialize in long-term and senior relationships on how to keep the spark alive.
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You may have spent the past 30 years of your marriage in sync, running your lives like a well-oiled machine. Once you both retired, you figured it would be like a second honeymoon, but you quickly found you were annoyed and sniping at one another. This is a common issue.
“One of the biggest misconceptions about retirement is that more time together automatically leads to greater closeness. In reality, many couples begin to grow apart because they lose the routines, roles, and shared goals that once connected them,” says Dr. Anna Elton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Sexologist, and Author of The Formula of Desire.
This is reiterated by Ilana Grines, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/ Certified Sex Therapist.
“This transitional time is interesting because it uncovers a lot of things that couples weren't paying attention to when their time was split between work and other obligations. In the work I do with long-term couples, the ones who struggle the most are the ones who spent 30 years working/managing kids and logistics and making those obligations/extracurriculars the connective tissue of their relationship,” Grines says.
“When all of the external engagements drop off, they are left with only each other and they realization that they may have not actually chosen each other in a really long time. A lot of couples at this stage realize that they have just been coexisting in a pretty harmonious way,” says Grines.
This seems to be the running theme reiterated by professionals across the industry.
As Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship expert with 35+ years of experience working with individuals and couples, says, “As a therapist who has worked with couples for over 35 years, and someone who lives with a retired spouse, I can confidently say that retirement doesn't necessarily create relationship problems, but it may reveal them.”
But it doesn’t have to be like this. As Grines says, you may not have chosen each other in a long time. You can choose each other now.
Related: Psychologists Reveal the Simple Morning Routine That Keeps Retirees Happiest
Strategies To Reconnect
To start rebuilding your connection, you may have to get creative.
Elton says, “I encourage couples to start by identifying hobbies, traditions, and activities they used to enjoy together (or something they always wanted to try) before life became consumed by careers and responsibilities.”
Nelson, however, wants couples to sit and reflect on where they are and who they are in this new phase of life. “Instead of asking, 'How do we fill all this free time together?’,” she says, “it could be worth asking, 'Who are we as a couple in this new chapter of our lives?’"
Taking advice from both of them is an excellent way to begin planning your new life together. You should be considering who you are now, as a retired couple, rather than who you were at the start of your marriage.
Elton’s advice to clients looking to create new experiences follows a fun structure.
“Couples can also create an A to Z Date (or Activity) Challenge to bring novelty back into the relationship. For example, A might be axe throwing, an art gallery, or an arcade, while B could be bowling, birdwatching, or a beach walk. The activity itself is less important than trying something new together. Novel experiences help couples create fresh memories and increase feelings of closeness.”
But building and maintaining a healthy relationship at this stage of your life isn’t about readjusting how you spend all your time together. In fact, you shouldn’t be spending all your time together.
Related: 20 Inspiring Ideas to Make the Most of Your Retirement Bucket List
“One of the healthiest things retired couples can do is stop trying to spend every free minute together,” says Nelson, who is also a consultant for the discreet dating website AshleyMadison. “The strongest long-term relationships balance togetherness with individuality. Each partner needs opportunities to pursue their own interests and grow autonomously outside of the relationship.”
Psychology Today reiterates the need for “self-determination,” as the site calls it. Healthy relationships all had common themes of autonomy running throughout.
Grines also found this to be true, “It's helpful when the couple has a plan as to how they're going to spend their time. It's really important that each person in the unit maintains an individual identity that they can come back and bring to each other with excitement and joy.”
But what happens when you’re already struggling? It isn’t the end. There are actionable steps you can take to combat the degradation of your relationship.
Schedule Check-Ins
If you want to start finding your way back to each other, then it starts with a conversation. Find a schedule that works for you, so check-ins don’t seem tedious. Elton actually notes that she finds this common.
“Communication also needs to become more intentional. Some of the happiest retired couples I've worked with have a simple daily check-in. Every morning, over coffee, they spend a few minutes talking about the day ahead: What's on the schedule? Is there anything you're looking forward to? Is there anything you're worried about? How can I support you today?” she says.
“These conversations create an opportunity to address concerns while they're still small, before they turn into resentment, assumptions, or larger relationship problems.”
Grines also encourages couples to have an overall plan.
“I have found that having a conversation early about what retirement actually looks like on a day-to-day basis helps couples manage this when the time comes. This includes talking about what time they should go to bed as well as how often they're going to see their friends and what other meaningful ways they're going to spend time both together and apart.”
Embrace The New Chapter
“Retirement is one of the biggest identity shifts we as adults can experience. It can be a time to reinvent the relationship instead of trying to recreate the past. Don’t assume you’re too old to start new things. Many couples begin or expand their exercise routines or enjoy a resurgence in their sex lives,” says Nelson.
“The couples who stay connected in retirement aren't necessarily the ones who have the least amount of arguments or conflicts. They're the couples who continue investing in the relationship and create new ideas. A thriving marriage isn't built on spending more time together, it's making the time you do spend together more fun, sexy and meaningful.”
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute advice.
Psychology Today — "Why Self-Determination in Loving Relationships Is Important"Hence then, the article about retirement can push couples apart but therapists say there s a way to prevent it was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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