With something as scary, heartbreaking and even traumatic as divorce, it’s understandable that you may want to know the usual causes in hopes of avoiding it. Or, maybe you’re someone who has already gotten a divorce, and you want to feel less alone in your experience.
Ending a marriage, or even thinking about it, can easily be a complicated, emotional and time-consuming process, perhaps especially when you’re over 50 years old. At that point, you might have been married for longer, divorced before or wondered how much a divorce is “worth it”—especially given how unappealing the dating pool looks right now, am I right? It’s a hard decision, and making it during an already hard time may feel simply impossible, especially without help.
To provide you with some expert-backed insight, Parade asked three psychologists what usually causes divorce in people 50 or older, and they pointed to one thing (which we’ll reveal below). They also share why more couples over 50 are ending their marriages, along with the pros and cons of a “gray divorce" and how to work on your relationship. Basically, whatever route you choose or are considering, Parade has you covered with psychologists’ advice. For more information and solidarity, keep reading.
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The Most Common Cause of Divorce in Couples Over 50, According to 3 Psychologists
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A laundry list of concerns can contribute to or cause divorce, but when it comes to the main cause between partners who are over 50, there’s one that comes to mind for psychologists.
“For many people over 50, the primary contributor to a divorce is ‘empty nest syndrome,’” saysDr. Tara Lally, PhD, a supervising psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health.
Basically, this is when kids leave the house—to go to college, to live in their own space—and parents feel grief, confusion, a loss of purpose and even relief from that major role change. But the keyword there is “contributor.”
“Empty nest syndrome doesn’t cause divorce—it exposes what’s been quietly decaying for 20 years,” saysDr. Deborah Gilman, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services, who specializes in kids, parenting, relationships and the psychology behind modern culture.
She explains that kids are “the ultimate distraction,” and when they leave the nest, parents have more time and space to realize their unresolved conflicts, emotional distance and mismatched identities. “Turns out, some couples were co-parents, not partners,” she adds.
Dr. Lally has found the same to be true.
“When the everyday noise fades, and the shared task of actively parenting has gone, we are faced with what we haven’t noticed or overlooked: the lack of connection and intimacy,” she says.
You may find you have little in common with your partner or have changed in ways they haven’t, perhaps even significantly.
“When the kids are no longer present, both partners may feel like they are living with a stranger,” saysDr. Francine Toder, PhD, a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and professional writer who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. “Young love doesn’t always age well.”
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Married people of any age can get divorced, of course, but recently, it’s arguably been happening more in couples in this age range (and often the “Baby Boomer” generation). According to a 2022 study, 8.7 percent of all divorces in 1990 were couples over 50. In 2019, that number grew to 36 percent. What gives?
Dr. Lally says it’s “because they recognize greater life expectancies, a focus on personal fulfillment or impact of health issues and retirement.”
The generational piece adds context, too. She says this bunch had a higher rate of divorce in their younger years, which can play a role now.
“Many in this category are in their second or third marriages, which [have] a historically higher rate of ending in divorce,” she explains. “Baby boomers who are in second and third marriages are major drivers of the overall increase in ‘gray divorces.’”
On the note of age, people can also grow more particular or picky as they get older, which isn’t inherently a bad thing. Perhaps you’ve noticed that. It can look like changing values, increased interest in independence or having higher expectations.
“A longer lifespan gives opportunity to consider what’s important,” Dr. Toder says. “Facing many years ahead, people aren’t as willing to tolerate a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.”
Dr. Gilman agrees, pointing to societal changes such as less stigma and women having more financial independence nowadays.
“Fewer people are willing to spend the next 30 years being quietly miserable for tradition’s sake,” she shares. “Also, midlife has a funny way of triggering existential clarity: You hit that ‘Is this really it?’ moment, and suddenly, putting up with your spouse’s emotional unavailability feels less charming and more like a life sentence.”
Related: The One Thing You Should Do with Your Money if You’re Considering Divorce
What Are the Cons of a Gray Divorce?
You might have caught the “gray divorce” term used a moment ago. Not sure what that means? We’ve got you: “A gray divorce is when couples split later in life, typically after age 50,” Dr. Gilman says (aka, exactly what we’ve been talking about, and aka, divorcing when your hair *may* begin to gray.)
While getting a divorce after decades of marriage can certainly be called for, you might wonder about the cons of doing so, too.
“On average, women tend to take a bigger financial hit, and men tend to struggle more emotionally after divorce,” the psychologist adds. “But—and this is a big, flashing, can-not-ignore ‘but’—that’s a trend, not a destiny.”
Other cons psychologists mention include the following:
Reduction in retirement savingsHigher cost of livingLoss of health insuranceAsset division or mingled assets that are hard to separate Feelings of loneliness and griefStress of having to “start over”Loss of social networksDisruption to family life and relationships with adult children and grandchildrenFuture caregiving concernsDissolving what could potentially be salvaged with some helpNeeding to “un-retire” because of financial strainExtra stress around holidays and family structureLoss of living with someone who can care for you emotionally and physically“Gray divorce can be liberating,” Dr. Gilman clarifies. “People do find happiness, identity, even love again…But the research is clear: You’re trading emotional dissatisfaction for financial, social and physical uncertainty.”
Unsure if a divorce over 50 is worth it with all of those potential cons? It depends on who you ask.
For Dr. Toder, it’s subjective. “Since the average lifespan is about 80 years, there are still many years ahead to find happiness,” she states. “Still, will the disruptions be outweighed by the benefits?”
Her main suggestion is to talk to a neutral counselor, mediator, lawyer or clergy person to determine whether the marriage can be salvaged.
Dr. Gilman also answers with “it depends.”
“It is not worth it if staying means slowly eroding your mental health, identity or dignity,” she says. “50 is not the end—it’s half-time. But if the issues are fixable and you’re just chasing a fantasy of a more exciting life?... You might just trade a familiar dissatisfaction for a brand-new one with worse Wi-Fi.”
As she’s suggesting, the answer to this question depends on what comes with marriage and divorce in your specific situation. That’s what Dr. Lally points out, too.
“For individuals who have been in a marriage that involved an unhealthy or toxic environment (wrought with emotional, verbal or physical abuse, conflict or constant criticism), have an opportunity to end profound loneliness and/or have an opportunity for authenticity, happiness and personal growth, a divorce of 50+ may be necessary,” she says. “Although ending a marriage may be challenging, it can also provide an awakening for an individual to rediscover themselves.”
Still feeling stuck and overwhelmed? According to Dr. Gilman, it boils down to this one question: Am I leaving something truly broken, or running from something uncomfortable?
Related: Women Over 50 Who Are Lonely Often Display These 8 Behaviors Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say
How Couples Over 50 Can Save Their Marriages
If you’ve decided you want to try to save your marriage, but aren’t sure how, don’t fret. Psychologists share key steps.
Ultimately, take a closer look at the relationship. What do you each need? What does the relationship need? Dr. Lally recommends collaboratively answering some key questions, such as why you want to save the marriage, the improvements needed and the level of commitment each of you can make.
Dr. Toder agrees. She encourages assessing the relationship by looking at what’s great, what could get better and what steps might be needed.
“Then tailor a plan… including new ways to add quality time together, identify and tend to those issues that you’ve been ignoring, open up about doubts and try to listen without criticism/judgment,” she adds.
Start dating each other again
During your “assessment phase,” you two might realize you need to spice things up and make them interesting by reintroducing curiosity and active dating practices. According to Dr. Gilman, that makes sense—and it may be easier than you think.
“You are not the same person you were at 30,” she says. “Neither are they. Start there.”
This might look like asking open-ended, present-day questions, like what’s been exciting your partner lately. It could also entail novel activities, such as travel, classes or a new restaurant. “The brain links newness with attraction,” she explains.
More simply, have fun. Enjoy not having to worry about the logistics of carting your kids everywhere. Schedule connection time, make inside jokes, incorporate more physical touch and check in with each other.
Related: 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your Partner
It’s time to face those “we’ll deal with it later” issues, especially if they’ve gotten worse. Have structured conversations, Dr. Gilman suggests, in which one person talks and the other reflects without interrupting. Then, decide to resolve or re-negotiate.
“Don’t just rehash,” she clarifies. “If you keep having the same fight, it’s not a fight—it’s a system failure.”
Get professional help
Seeing a marriage counselor can also help, especially with more complex, deeply rooted or underlying concerns (and even proactively).
“Therapy isn’t failure; it’s maintenance,” Dr. Gilman says. “Start therapy when you feel stuck, not when you feel done.”
Further, she recommends a therapist who practices the Gottman method or emotionally-focused therapy. Treat the work as skill-building, not a “blame game.”
Create a shared future
Get excited; get out of your comfort zone. What is your life going to look like together without kids? What helps you want to stay with your partner?
Dr. Gilman shares some ideas to get you started:
Ask what you want the next 10 to 20 years to feel likeBuild joint projects (such as travel plans, volunteering, creative pursuits or even a business)Revise your values and what matters most to you (perhaps freedom, stability, adventure or less noise?)“Couples who thrive don’t just avoid divorce—they build something that competes with the idea of leaving,” she concludes.
In short, it’s all about care, action and intentionality.
“Never put your relationship on the back burner, prioritizing other things first and taking it for granted that your marriage partner will always be there to eventually get around to paying attention to,” Dr. Lally says. “Always prioritize working to prevent a distance from developing, and growing between you and your partner, so that when responsibilities change in the future, you still have a strong foundation to build new chapters on.”
Up Next:
Related: 9 Things To Do if Your Adult Child Lives at Home, According to Psychologists
Sources:
Dr. Tara Lally, PhD, is a supervising psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health.Dr. Deborah Gilman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services, who specializes in kids, parenting, relationships and the psychology behind modern culture.Dr. Francine Toder, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and professional writer who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after non-traumatic events: evidence from an open population study, The British Journal of PsychiatryThe Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change, The Journals of GerontologyHence then, the article about we asked 3 psychologists what usually causes divorce over 50 they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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