7 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Never Say to Their Adult Children, Psychologists Reveal ...Saudi Arabia

First things first, no parent is perfect. No matter how emotionally intelligent they are, how caring they are or how hard they try, they're going to make mistakes—and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean they’re a "bad parent” or “not trying” by any means.At the same time, parents can try to be more mindful of their actions, words and how they affect their kids. Parents can actively learn how to strengthen their parent-child bond and support their children both short- and long-term. “Good” parenting is often an intentional job; it requires attention, care and more. Parenting is also not something that ends when a child turns 18. While your relationship may change around that point, your kids are still your kids, and you’re still their mom or dad. Parenting an adult child can be tricky, even though it doesn’t have some of the same challenges that parenting a young child does.For support and tips, you may turn to friends or people on the Internet. But with so much advice out there—that’s more or less reputable, more or less subjective—it can be hard to know what you “should” do. Plus, if you weren’t raised with an emotionally intelligent parent, you may struggle to understand what that looks like, so you can show it to your own children.Parade asked psychologists about "emotionally intelligent parenting," particularly regarding adult children. The experts share seven phrases emotionally intelligent parents never say to their adult kids. Plus, how to grow in this area if it doesn't come as easily.Related: 9 Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make That Child Psychologists Wish They’d Stop

What Does It Mean To Be an Emotionally Intelligent Parent to Adult Kids?

You may have already heard about emotional intelligence (or EQ or EI). Essentially, it’s the ability to recognize, identify and manage your emotions, along with other people’s. In a world as terrifying and sad as ours often is, you can only imagine how important that skill is. Psychologists share more about what it means. “Emotional intelligence involves making space for a wide range of emotions and a mixture of emotions within self and others,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, Alabama. “Someone who is emotionally intelligent will generally work to be open to feedback, even if it is difficult to hear, and make efforts to consistently engage in healthy communication.”Naturally, emotional intelligence is a trait that requires other traits. If you don’t already have them, they can be built.“To be emotionally intelligent requires self-awareness—being able to recognize your own emotions and their effects on others,” says Dr. Francine Toder, PhD, a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and professional writer who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. “It requires empathy—sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an interest in their concerns; in other words, putting yourself in others’ shoes.”Related: 13 Signs a Boomer Parent Has High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists

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Phrases like this suggest the speaker isn’t able to regulate themselves. “A person with high emotional intelligence will make space to ask questions to get more information to inform a grounded way to proceed, rather than be reactive and jump to assumptions and conclusions,” Dr. Smith says. 

2. 'It will be alright.'

Yep, this phrase is surprisingly best avoided. While you may intend to comfort your child with it—and may do so—it can also cause them to feel worse. For starters, it’s not something you can promise, and it doesn’t address the real feelings they're having. “You don’t know,” Dr. Toder says. “Until you really understand the problem, refrain from fixing it.”At the same time, she validates that this urge is understandable. Who wants to see their child stressed and upset? “But it’s not your job to find a solution,” she continues. “Even worse, it might seem like you are undermining them and doubting their ability to handle their lives effectively.”Related: 35 Common Toxic Positivity Phrases To Stop Using—Plus, What To Say Instead

Wanting your child’s support is okay, but how you communicate that matters. Phrases like this, Dr. Smith says, are manipulative—even if you don’t consciously mean them to be. Instead, she encourages saying something like this: “I hear you’re not wanting to do [insert thing here]. I want to honor that. At the same time, if there is any wiggle room to make this activity feel okay for you, I‘d love us to discuss it.”This is an emotionally intelligent and healthy way to navigate each other’s boundaries.

4. 'When I was your age…'

While people can have similar experiences at certain ages, they won’t be the same, because people, society and the world are different now than they used to be.Instead of reiterating your principles or experiences, focus on your adult child’s. “It’s time to learn from them about what matters to them, if you really want to understand and accept them as they are,” Dr. Toder says. “Start by listening.”

Perhaps a more obvious example, it’s also an important (and all-too-common) one to acknowledge.“Communicating disappointment or acknowledging a failure are both within bounds, but again, there are healthy, appropriate ways to communicate each,” Dr. Smith says. The key, she continues, is focusing the emotion on the action, not the person. You might say something like, “I’m disappointed that you [insert sentiment here].” Another option is: “Yes, you dropped the ball, and we need to make space for the emotions you have about that. But when the timing feels right, there are helpful lessons you can take from this. It’s about how we get up rather than about the fact that we all fall/fail/make mistakes sometimes.”

6. 'Your brother/sister/uncle/etc. managed to…'

Sharing suggestions can be helpful (when solicited), but comparisons are not.“See your adult child—not as you assumed him/her to be, not as you want him/her to be, but as he/she really is,” Dr. Toder says. “Your adult child is not likely to follow in your footsteps, nor those of others you admire.”

7. 'Suck it up, buttercup.'

Emotional intelligence is about identifying emotions and responding to them—not just shutting them down, which is what this phrase does. “Someone with emotional intelligence will work to make sufficient space for the person to experience what is needed and the emotions associated with it,” Dr. Smith says. Note the “s” there—more than one emotion may be present, and they can even be conflicting. For example, think about the happiness and jealousy you may feel for a friendly coworker who beats you out for a promotion.

How To Become a More Emotionally Intelligent Parent to Your Adult Children

Besides avoiding those aforementioned phrases, how can parents act with emotional intelligence when interacting with their adult children?Dr. Toder summarizes her tips:

For Dr. Smith, it’s all about communication. “Assessing one’s own sense of emotional intelligence is important, but it is also worthwhile to check in with your adult child to get their sense, because they may have helpful feedback to share on what is working well and possible changes to help the relationship,” she says. “And, only bring it up when you feel you are open to take in whatever may be said, rather than being defensive.”Up Next:

Related: 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

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