Everyone has a different argument style and way that they handle conflict in relationships. Sometimes it’s healthy, and other times, we can definitely work on our delivery—especially if we tend to lash out at our partner. Because we weren’t all taught how to regulate our emotions, it can be tough for some people to just step away for a beat so that they don’t react on impulse and heightened tension. With that said, however, certain tactics that come up in fights involve blame-shifting or deflection, which are not healthy ways to go about an argument, especially with someone you love. And one blame tactic called ‘tu quoque’ is common—even if the name itself isn’t well-known—and it can be destructive in relationships. Tu quoque can also be known as “the appeal to hypocrisy fallacy,” and hinges on a common knee-jerk reaction to being negatively singled out. When we resort to blaming others or trying to deflect fault away from us and onto someone else, it can be because of a natural inclination we have not to want to be put on the spot. We become defensive, even if that means “coming after” the person we care about, like our spouse or partner. To learn more about what “tu quoque” means and why it’s so unhealthy in romantic relationships, Parade spoke with Charisse Cooke, an MNCPS-accredited psychotherapist and resident dating expert at Flirtini, a dating app. She shares examples of what this argument tactic looks like in conflicts, if it’s the same as “whataboutism” and more.Related: 11 Subtle Signs You’re ‘Monkey Branching’ in Your Relationship, Psychologists Warn
What Is ‘Tu Quoque’?
Tu quoque can be known as a "logical fallacy." It’s an argument tactic that tries to invalidate another person’s grievance against you by pointing out that they’ve done something similar too. Cooke tells Parade that it’s Latin and translates to “you too.”“It describes a type of defensive reaction where you deflect criticism with the phrase, ‘You too did it,’ or anything similar to that,” she explains. “It’s that instinctive response we all feel tempted to use when we’re uncomfortable with the blame. Psychologically, it’s a way to avoid shame or vulnerability, because rather than owning our part, we try to even the playing field so we don’t feel at fault.”Related: 8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental Health ProsOftentimes, the rebuttal of “well, you did this too” is a true statement; maybe you also messed up in a similar way or made the same mistake a while ago. However, it’s not relevant to the current situation, and in relationships, this can go south very easily. Cooke notes that this can be described in other terms, such as deflection or blame-shifting, and states that, “in therapy terms,” tu quoque is “a defense mechanism often rooted in emotional immaturity.”“Tu quoque is a telling sign someone hasn’t learned to tolerate discomfort or accountability,” she shares. “When someone uses this tactic, they protect their ego, not the relationship.”She does share the “good news,” which is that it’s not often a malicious action, but rather “just a way to dodge the sting of being wrong.” But if left unchecked, it can lead to long-term issues.“When both partners do this, it creates a situation where no one takes ownership, and small issues build up a lot of tension and resentment,” she says.Related: People Who Grew Up With Conflict ‘Swept Under the Rug’ Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
“Whataboutism” is another ploy used in arguments where blame is thrown away, and one person literally asks, “Well, what about you?” And even though that’s very similar to tu quoque, whataboutism doesn’t just pertain to that form. “Well, they kind of overlap, but they’re not exactly identical,” Cooke says. “Whataboutism is often used to discredit criticism by comparison and generally isn't used in relationships… Tu quoque is more interpersonal than that, as it happens directly between two people. Tu quoque attacks the messenger and doesn’t engage with the message. I believe, in relationships, it's particularly harmful because it turns discussion into 'trauma Olympics,' so to speak.”Whataboutism can span across social media, politics and more. Whereas tu quoque is really just between two people (which you can kind of see in the term). Related: The 8 Communication Red Flags To Work on in Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late, According to Divorce Attorneys
Examples of 'Tu Quoque' in Relationship Arguments
Cooke gives some more examples of what tu quoque can look like in arguments between two partners. “When someone says, ‘You never listen to me,’ a typical tu quoque response will be, ‘Oh, please, you zone out all the time when I talk,’” she states.Another example is when one significant other says, “You were really harsh in front of my friends,” and the other partner says, “And you weren’t exactly kind to me last week,” instead of apologizing or explaining, Cooke shares.“Each of these responses deflects blame and doesn’t respond to the issue that is being discussed,” she explains. “The person confronted immediately makes the conversation about fairness or hypocrisy. It might relieve pressure temporarily, but it teaches both partners that vulnerability isn’t safe and isn’t encouraged.”Related: 7 Topics High-Level Gaslighters Usually Avoid, According to Psychologists
While you can probably already see why using tu quoque in a fight or argument can be problematic, why exactly is it unhealthy in a relationship? Cooke says that, in her opinion, “it breaks the foundation of trust and safety in the relationship.”“As you know, relationships rely on being able to bring up something difficult and still feel seen,” she tells Parade. “Tu quoque, on the other hand, does the opposite: it’s an emotional avoidance at its finest. Over time, the other person learns that being honest only leads to being attacked, so they start to withhold and bottle up emotions. That’s how disconnection begins, with a lot of defensiveness and an inability to listen.”With that shaky foundation, where one partner doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable or bring up frustrations, it’s easy to see how this can become detrimental to a couple. “It’s damaging in more ways than you can think of: for example, it ruins empathy,” Cooke shares. “When arguments turn into scorekeeping, you lose the sense that you’re on the same team. Every discussion becomes about winning the argument, and the problems are never solved.”She says that, as time progresses, this can create emotional distance where “both people feel unseen and resentful.”“You end up cycling through the same issues because they’ve never been metabolized emotionally,” she points out.Related: 10 Manipulative Tactics Straight Out of a Gaslighter’s Playbook, According to Psychologists
How To Stop Using ‘Tu Quoque’ in Arguments
This argument tactic is quite common. So it’s not surprising if you realize you do this as you read this article. And that is “already a big win,” according to Cooke. So, how do you stop doing it altogether, now that you know you use tu quoque in arguments?“What you wanna do after that is acknowledge, verbally, that you are getting defensive and want to pause for a second to reset,” she suggests. “That moment alone interrupts the chain of nonsensical blame.”After this, she says that you need to “try to listen fully” to your partner before trying to defend your own position. “You can always express your side of the story later, but the immediate priority is to understand your partner’s,” she explains. As for healthy alternatives to tu quoque in conflicts, Cooke says that a big part leans on just that: listening to the person you love, who you’re fighting with.“My advice is to use reflective listening, which, when boiled down, is just repeating back what you’ve heard to show you’re here,” she shares. “Then share your own feelings without accusing back.”Even in stable, healthy relationships, arguments and issues come up. You’re not always going to agree on things, or someone is going to accidentally hurt the other person’s feelings. But it’s how you go about those disagreements and temporary friction that makes all the difference and can secure a long future. “Healthy conflict is when both parties try to understand the truth and find the solution together instead of proving oneself innocent,” she shares. “When couples learn that, arguments become opportunities to grow closer.”Up Next:
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Charisse Cooke is an MNCPS-accredited psychotherapist and resident dating expert at Flirtini, a dating app.Hence then, the article about this super common blame tactic is detrimental in relationships a psychotherapist warns was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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