Being ignored as a child can happen in a couple of ways, according to Dr. Robert Cuyler, PhD, the chief clinical officer at Freespira Inc. In the first scenario, you feel that another person (like a sibling) is favored and you’re overlooked. In the second scenario, parents are in their own worlds, making all of their kids feel unimportant and putting them in the hands of nannies, boarding schools or giving expensive gifts rather than real connections.Either way, the ramifications are real.“When someone grows up feeling ignored—whether emotionally, physically or both—it can shape their entire sense of self,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author. “Left unchecked, this state of chronic stress can take a toll on long-term health, contributing to anxiety, autoimmune issues, inflammation and even heart disease, especially when the nervous system never gets the signal that it’s safe to slow down.”So, how do you know if you may have been ignored as a child, or how it’s impacting you now? Ahead, three experts in psychology share common traits these individuals share, plus their advice for healing. Related: People Who Weren't Told 'I Love You' in Childhood Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults
“In other words, operating as if one is largely invisible and unimportant to others,” Dr. Cuyler says. This might look like being quiet and having low self-esteem, for starters. It can also stem from the belief that speaking up won’t change anything, Dr. Kelley adds.Related: People Who Received Very Little Affection in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Being indecisive
Do you struggle to make decisions? Maybe you’d rather get someone else’s take first and feel uncomfortable if you can’t? That’s common too.“After having your ideas dismissed or ignored as a child, you grow up to believe that your choices are always wrong, that you can’t make the right choice, so you don’t make any choice,” explains Dr. Helen McKibben, PsyD, a clinical therapist and the author of Drop: Making Great Decisions, Use Neuroscience to Retrain Your Brain and Make Better Life Choices.
If and when you do make decisions, you may question them. “You may also ignore your gut feelings and walk away from situations thinking things like, ‘What didn’t I listen to myself? I knew that was going to happen,’” Dr. McKibben adds.
4. People-pleasing
People-pleasing can be a trait for a few reasons. First, Dr. McKibben shares how feeling ignored makes you feel like your needs and feelings don’t matter. “This can manifest itself as an adult in many ways,” she says. Examples include people not respecting your time, bosses overworking you and ignoring your own needs in relationships.Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
Dr. Cuyler explains another reason: “Some individuals overcompensate from the pain of their childhoods and hope to erase that feeling of being unimportant by doing anything and everything that one believes will please others, thereby trying to secure the recognition of others.”Dr. Kelley adds that people-pleasing—especially in the sense of feeling liked and needed—can help these people feel safe. It can give them a feeling of importance that they didn’t get and may crave.
Setting boundaries can be hard for people-pleasers who lack confidence (AKA people who may have been ignored as children). “Think of this as feeling that one does not have the right to make one’s own decisions, and that one has to accept what others want or do, even if that is harmful,” Dr. Cuyler explains.Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
6. Attracting romantic partners who ignore, control or use you
On the note of being a people-pleaser who struggles to set boundaries, your friends may have half-joked that you “always pick the wrong partner” or “have bad taste in partners.”Dr. Kibben explains, “People can sense when you have low self-esteem and won’t put up a fight. This leads to controlling, abusive relationships…Or, you attract others with low self-esteem who use you to feel better about themselves.”
Similar to second-guessing yourself, you may have a mean voice in your head that always drags you down. It may replace the voice of a parent, or say things that popped into your head when they ignored you. Dr. Kibben explains the voice may say things like, “You don’t feel that way,” “That won’t work” or “They think this about you.”Dr. Kelley adds that these individuals “may blame themselves for the neglect they experienced, internalizing it as a flaw in who they are.”
8. Feeling extra vulnerable to perceived slights
You may be more likely to think someone is judging you. You may also care more about that because your self-esteem is dependent on other people’s validation. Further, any perceived slight can lead to withdrawal or anger that “may be confusing to others or out of proportion to the circumstances,” according to Dr. Cuyler. You may unexpectedly “crash out,” as the kids say. You may feel anxious, confused, sad, resentful or irritable.Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
Since vulnerability didn’t work out well for them as kids, these individuals may avoid it as adults. Dr. Kelley says they may fear “that if they open up, they’ll be hurt or rejected again.”They may also feel like they're “too much” in relationships, she continues, or minimize their pain to avoid feeling like a “burden.”
10. Being super driven to achieve
Do you feel like your worth depends on what you achieve or how “good” you are? Do you feel more loved when you have more money? That can also be an effect of feeling ignored as a child.“Success becomes a way to feel seen or worthy, masking the pain underneath,” Dr. Kelley says. It’s a way to “outrun feelings of unworthiness or invisibility.”Dr. Cuyler adds how these individuals may “aim at developing a scorecard of wealth, credentials, possessions” that demands the world recognize them as important rather than ignore them. Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
In this discussion, it’s also important to acknowledge the positives, Dr. Cuyler says, such as how a negative childhood experience can make a person more considerate or thoughtful as an adult.“Some people recognize the flaws of their own childhood and, as adults and parents, are determined to not repeat the mistakes of their upbringing,” he says. “This can foster a sense of empathy, recognizing the importance of validating and valuing others as unique and important individuals.”
12. Being hyper-independent
When your caregivers ignored you, your feelings and your needs as a child, it makes sense that you grew up feeling as though you had to take care of everything on your own. That leads to what we’re talking about here.“Trusting others feels risky, so they often do things themselves, even when overwhelmed,” Dr. Kelley says. “They might struggle to let others in, believing they have to do life alone.”Related: People Who Become Lonelier as They Get Older Usually Display These 10 Subtle Behaviors, Psychologists Say
If you’re not used to feeling loved and cared for, it may be hard to accept or navigate that as an adult. It can feel foreign or uncomfortable, Dr. Kelley explains.
14. Having misguided narcissistic-like traits
These adults may focus more on themselves as a protective measure—and this doesn’t mean they have narcissistic personality disorder, by any means.
“In some cases, they may develop narcissistic tendencies—not out of entitlement, but as a survival strategy—to secure the attention, admiration or validation they were starved of in childhood,” Dr. Kelley says.
Expert-Recommended Next Steps
With all that said, hope and change are possible. First, Dr. Cuyler recommends looking for these traits turning into patterns (which you may already be doing if you’re reading this). “If we see patterns that are repetitive, painful and damaging to our relationships with others or our sense of identity, perhaps it’s time to plan a new approach,” he says. He believes heightened self-awareness and counseling can help with that.“Often, the first [step] to make a change is the hardest, and the beginnings of relief and clarity may be more reachable than you may believe,” he adds. Related: 135 Deep Shadow Work Prompts To Help With Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Authenticity
Dr. McKibben encourages DROP, a method she developed to help treat low self-esteem. Here are the four steps:
Notice physical signals after a trigger, like an eye roll, increased heart rate or teeth clenching, then stop thinking“DROP” by entering a state of mindfulness—feel your arms and legs being supported by the surface beneath them, plus your throat opening and the air going into your lungsListen to what your brain is configuring, like times you’ve felt that way before, what worked or didn’t work, and what to do differently next timeDon’t second-guess what you hear (yes, this will take practice!)“You can reverse the damage done by being ignored as a child,” she says. Dr. Kelley wants you to know that you are not broken or at fault; rather, those traits are adaptive survival mechanisms that may no longer serve you. She agrees that healing starts with recognizing these patterns without judgment and getting to know them. In a therapy space, that might look like exploring inner child work, attachment repair and nervous system healing.Building relationships—as scary as that can be—can be healing too. “You deserve relationships where you feel seen, valued and safe to be your full self,” Dr. Kelley says. “You don’t have to stay in survival mode forever.”
Up Next:
Related: People Who Were 'Emotionally Neglected' in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources
Dr. Robert Cuyler, PhD, a psychologist Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and authorDr. Helen McKibben, PsyD, a clinical therapist and the authorHence then, the article about people who felt ignored as children often develop these 14 traits as adults was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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