Asking Eric: He says the stepchildren don’t deserve anything. I think that sounds mean. ...Middle East

Dear Eric: My husband and I just turned 80. We are in good health but began talking about estate planning.

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We each have two children from previous marriages, and at first this was an easy fix. After considering donating to nonprofits, we thought the rest of our assets would be equally divided among our children.

Now, the situation: Although my husband has a wonderful relationship with his two children, mine have become estranged over the last few years. I would like to give my children a token amount. Although small, it would let them know that I still think about them and love them dearly.

My husband becomes increasingly angry with my children with each passing year and holidays. He believes that they don’t deserve anything, stating that if they didn’t care for me when I was alive, they shouldn’t pretend to care in my death.

I, on the other hand, feel that doing this would be vindictive, and mean. Can you offer words that would help this situation, please?

– Split Inheritance

Dear Inheritance: Although you and your husband are, rightfully, navigating life together, up to and including what happens after you’re gone, it’s helpful to remember that you and he have different relationships with your children.

This isn’t to say that your relationship wins out by virtue of it being most longstanding and connected by genetics. But the stakes are different for you than they are for him.

He’s allowed to feel the frustration and anger at them. And it’s probably helpful for you to get a supportive but assertive perspective on this situation from someone who loves you. However, the relationship you have with your children is unique in the world and unique in their lives, even though it’s estranged. Perhaps even more so because it’s estranged.

So, you’ve got to tend to it with specificity, and you’re the only person who can decide what you intend this legacy to mean for your children.

He may have to learn to live with a decision he doesn’t love. That’s not your problem to fix for him.

Inheritance is meant to outlive us, obviously, but many people also use it to communicate on our behalf after we’re not able to. This gets tricky. Money talks, but it mumbles. So, I’d also suggest speaking with your children before you’re gone, even if only to let them know that the intention of the money is to remind them that you still think of them and you wish things were different.

Dear Eric: While our friends were away for a year, I responded to their request to mow and trim their lawn until their home was sold.

It never sold. I mowed the lawn for a year. Then they returned and moved into it again. Then it sold and they were forced to move. They purchased a lovely home with an in-ground pool.

Assuming that a year’s worth of free mowing might translate into a few invitations to use their pool, we waited for invitations, which seldom came. We did not ask but did use it a couple times when invited to swim with them. (No young children were involved in this scenario.)

Was I justified in feeling that we should have been given some free passes, at least for a year?

– Lawn Pawn

Dear Lawn: Sure, a year’s worth of swimming passes would have been a lovely and fair gesture. Even a lifetime of swimming privileges – depending on the size of the lawn, a year’s worth of maintenance at a home that’s not yours is quite a big ask.

However, I think it’s always a good practice to verbalize expectations so that we don’t get misaligned.

Now, they should have proactively found a way to show their gratitude without you telling them. Frankly, I think they should have paid you for your labor.

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But it’s possible that they didn’t even think of pool privileges as compensation for lawn care. After all, we’re talking about two different elements here – earth and water. Maybe it didn’t occur to them.

Even when doing a favor out of the goodness of our hearts, it’s fine to make requests or set expectations. If possible, it’s best to do it in advance so that friends and acquaintances don’t feel like they’re part of a bait-and-switch.

But if a favor changes midway through, as your lawn service did, it’s also fine to renegotiate the terms. “I’m happy to keep doing this, but it’s become a bigger job than I expected. Can we discuss a way to make it fair?” Or, more specifically, “This was a big job, and I was happy to do it. Can I use your pool as a thank-you?” The worst they can say is “no.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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