Dogs are for life, not just for Christmas – but if a new survey is anything to go by, our furry companions really come into their own on birthdays.
Almost two-thirds of UK pet owners say they celebrate their animal’s birth or adoption day, according to Moonpig, spending more than £120 on average in the process. Our love for our pets has never been written so clearly.
Neither, I’m sorry to say, has our own bonkers sentimentality. Your dog has no sense of what next week means, let alone how many years he has been alive, or why they should be marked with a cake made of, I don’t know, beef, or an ostentatious chew toy. Be honest: a pet birthday celebration is for the owner, not the animal, and the sooner we get clear about that, the better.
That’s not to say the average hound won’t be delighted by a new gizmo or a special edible treat. Other “gifts” on the market, though, are so unlikely to register on their radar as to be genuinely laughable. Do you think your aloof cat is impressed by a cushion with her face on it? Your guinea pig, by a custom portrait of him in fancy dress? Your charming mutt, brought closer to self-actualisation by revelations about their heritage courtesy of a Dog DNA kit?
Of course not. You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise – and that is totally fine. Humans are mushy, irrational creatures, who have lived in harmony with several other species for thousands of years (try not to focus on all the ones we’ve obliterated/eaten), largely because of such benign delusions.
From cultural clichés about man’s best friend to ancient Egyptian cat deities, we’ve been projecting our own narratives onto oblivious domestic animals for millennia. They hang around because wrapped in that madness comes free food and ear scratches.
It’s undoubtedly a two-way street, with humans benefiting enormously from their pets in turn – a recent study showed that cats and dogs can make you as happy as a partner. Meanwhile, as the cost of living crisis roars on, many couples are choosing to get a dog rather than have a child, and finding substantial joy in it too.
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People are full of awful, violent impulses – just look at the state of the world – but our drive to shower something furry with love is one of our redeeming features. Who cares if they understand why so much of it is coming their way on one arbitrary day per year?
Love is always at least partly selfish, even when it’s presented as altruism. Buying your cat a swanky new bed (or throwing her an 11th birthday party on a private jet, à la Karl Lagerfeld’s chic cat Choupette) makes you happy, or you wouldn’t do it. Similarly, don’t tell me that having a baby isn’t as much about you, your hope that having children will make you happy or give your life meaning, as it is about caring for them.
Quite apart from being cynical, mutual reward is essential. Without it, no one would ever submit to months of attending to a screaming infant, who doesn’t so much thank as vomit on you, let alone the ensuing decades of trying to shepherd them into being a functional adult in their own right. Nor would they suffer the prolonged indignity of owning a cat, trying to coax it to come anywhere near you while it studiously ignores your most fevered entreaties. But as it is, babies and cats survive, and adult humans feel warm and fuzzy – everyone wins.
Whether it’s directed at a labradoodle or a toddler, our brains reward love and care with feelings of purpose and fulfilment. If we’re really lucky, the object of our affection will find themselves loving us in return. And while all being well, children need their parents less and less as time goes on, we’ve bred dogs and cats to need us their whole lives long. For pet owners, an animal’s dependence is part of their appeal and speaks to our deep need to nurture: someone, something, anything, for better or for worse.
While some of the more demented birthday gifts are surely a step too far (pet-faced coasters, anyone?), and no dog wants to wear a party hat, I’d say it’s largely for the better. Your dopey dog doesn’t have a clue what a birthday is, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore you, or lap up the attention you’re bestowing on him in the name of celebrating it.
Just remember, before you award yourself Owner of the Year, that you’re benefiting too. Frankly, when it comes to how dapper he looks in his little uniform in that portrait above the fireplace, you’re the only beneficiary.
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