Q: My dad was never part of my life. Now I’m married and my wife is expecting our first child. I feel completely unprepared and anxious. What does it take to be a good father?
Jim: I can relate. That was me. That IS me. Being a dad is tough regardless of the circumstances. But the job seems especially daunting for guys like us whose fathers were physically or emotionally absent. We understand — perhaps in ways other men can’t — just how important it is for boys to have a healthy male role model in their lives.
Thankfully, God graciously put some wise and solid men in my path to encourage, instruct and support me along the way. Based on how they’ve influenced my life, my first suggestion would be to find a mentor — an experienced, older man who can offer advice and examples of what it means to be a good husband and father. A good place to look might be a church that has a strong men’s ministry.
While you’re looking for a mentor, we have plenty of helpful parenting tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting. Another excellent option for information is the National Center for Fathering; visit their website at Fathers.com for insights and resources.
Meanwhile, it’s also possible — maybe even probable — that your experience as a fatherless child has left you with some unresolved emotional issues. I’d encourage you to work through these as you seek to become the best dad you can be for your own family. We’d be happy to provide you with referrals for qualified counselors in your area.
Finally, I’d humbly suggest a book I wrote called “The Good Dad: Becoming the Father You Were Meant to Be.” My friend and colleague John Fuller wrote a great book titled “First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need to Know.” Both resources are available at Store.FocusOnTheFamily.com or by calling 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
Q: Since our youngest child is getting married soon, my wife and I want to prepare for the transition to being empty nesters. Do you have any suggestions?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Your marriage can truly thrive after the kids leave home — if you and your spouse are willing to make it happen. It requires constantly working on your communication skills while committing that both of you have a voice in decisions. It’s also a matter of investing intentional effort to date one another on a regular basis.
Start by getting away for a weekend as a couple to discuss your expectations for the post-parenting years. Conduct an in-depth inventory of your marriage, including assessing the methods and strategies you use to confront interpersonal challenges and conflicts. Look for patterns that might become problematic when there’s no one else around to act as a buffer between you.
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