With the summer holidays upon us, families are spending more time with their children – and seeing how they’re developing up close. How can we tell if meltdowns and moaning are something to be concerned about? Here, Dr Marianne Trent, a clinical psychologist based in Coventry, host of the podcast Psychology, Actually and a mother of two, reveals the reassuring signs that show if a child is happy – and advises on how to manage whining and anxiety. Interview by Cara Lee
Being quietly content
Happiness isn’t constant – the Hollywood version looks quite different to how it feels in reality. Happiness can be feeling “in the middle” – not experiencing a low mood but not feeling euphoric either. That middle ground is a very safe place for us to be and it’s important to feel comfortable and accepting of ourselves being there, and for our children to be in that place. Happiness is on a spectrum, and the quiet and content moments are a big part of that picture.
That’s why as parents – over the school holidays especially – we shouldn’t feel the pressure to ram days together full of activities. Often children are happy to play at home, snuggle down together on the sofa or read a book in the garden. All of these things contribute to our wellbeing – it isn’t all about white knuckle rides at theme parks.
Parents also need to trust their children, depending on their age, to come to us if there’s a problem. We should provide a safe and secure space for them to do that. Part of doing that means not constantly asking children if they’re OK. This can actually make them more anxious.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set a boundary, even if it leaves a child feeling sad or frustrated in the moment. Our job isn’t to rescue them from every difficult feeling, but to help them manage those emotions while reminding them they’re loved unconditionally, even if we don’t always like their behaviour.
Able to spend a day with grandparents or other carers
We want children to be securely attached, which means they are able to attach to other key figures, such as grandparents and teachers, as well as to their parents, and confide in them if they are feeling stressed or are having a bad day. So much of a child’s wellbeing is about their home environment and whether it feels safe, predictable and consistent. If they have that, then they should find it possible to connect with other safe adults.
An example of this is being happy to spend a day or two with their grandparents over the summer and connect with them, rather than being completely at a loss and introverted without their parents being around, as long as they know when they’ll next see you. It’s important to state that this may not always apply to children who are neurodivergent.
Ultimately, we want our children to be appropriately independent when they’re older and to choose to have parents in their lives rather than needing them.
Being curious and interested in new places and activities
Showing some curiosity and engagement is another strong sign of a contented child. For example, they should be open to new experiences such as going somewhere unfamiliar or trying out a new activity. Ideally, they will be able to become absorbed in those activities and exploring and playing, without fear.
This can be hard because when we’re out and about, we want to our children to appear well-behaved. Recently I took my children to an outdoor event and they ended up having wheelbarrow races. To begin with, I was willing them to stop because I was worried they’d be noisy but I realised they were having fun together, and not risking their own or anyone else’s safety. Children take so much from experiences like this. We want them to be mindfully present – enjoying them without thinking of moments gone by or those yet to come.
It can be a good sign if children ask a lot of questions in these scenarios, but if they are very, very worried by new experiences and ask questions incessantly, this can be a sign of anxiety. The key thing is noticing what’s normal for your child. If a child incessantly asks questions, parents should feel able to put a limit in place where they can talk about that subject for a set time.
Not liking everyone and choosing their own friends
If we encourage our children to like everybody, that’s setting them up to fail – as adults most of us don’t get on with everyone we meet, so we shouldn’t expect our children to. I trust our children to choose the people they like and don’t like. There needs to be tolerance for individual differences, so don’t worry if your child doesn’t like everyone in their class. It’s empowering for children to know that they can make their own minds up about somebody and if they seem like a safe and nice person to have a friendship with, even if someone else tells them that person isn’t cool or fun.
It’s a good sign if your child doesn’t simply toe the line with friendships and that they feel confident to make different choices from their peers.
Getting over an upset quickly
Sometimes if our children cry or moan easily we can take that very personally as parents and it can be hard to deal with. While no one is going to be emotionally regulated all the time, you’d expect a happy child to be able to recover from their upset before too long rather than it ruin the whole day. A good sign is them working through the problem – sometimes with our help. It’s important to repair ruptures rather than brushing them under the carpet.
We can’t always expect perfect behaviour from children but it can be very testing when they start whining a lot. As parents, we need to stay as calm as possible and keep to consistent boundaries. If you get stressed out or lose your patience, say sorry to your child once you’ve re-regulated and explain why you weren’t in the best place at that time. If you model that you’re not perfect, it helps children learn how to apologise and reflect on their own mistakes.
If children are struggling with emotional regulation, then consider if they’re getting enough sleep. Having frequent meltdowns or getting upset easily can be a sign that your child is exhausted. They may also find it harder to cope with heat during the warmer months if they’re tired. For this reason, I’m the kind of parent who only lets my children go to bed half an hour later than usual during the holidays.
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