"When asked an intrusive question, many people freeze because they feel caught between two competing social instincts: the desire to be polite and the desire to be private," Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health, tells Parade. "Even when questions cross a line, many of us fear that refusing to answer is rude, so we end up divulging more than we are comfortable with."
"Setting boundaries with nosy people protects your privacy and well-being, and also teaches others how you expect to be treated," she notes. "The more consistently you set healthy boundaries, the easier and more comfortable it gets."
Related: We Asked 4 Psychologists the One Phrase That Escalates Every Argument—They All Said the Same Thing
She says this statement is clear, calm and respectful. Unlike vague statements, like "It's complicated," this phrase doesn't leave room for pushback.
The Psychology of the Pivot: Why This Phrase Works Instantly
"It sets a boundary without attacking the other person," Dr. Guarnotta states. "This is important because people are less likely to become defensive when you state what you’re willing to engage in, rather than criticizing them."
"Instead, you say something like 'I’d rather not talk about that because I’m having a hard time.' A nosy person might take that as an invitation," Dr. Guarnotta shares. On the flipside, "That's not a conversation I'm available for” communicates that the topic isn’t open to further discussion.
"You don’t owe anyone access to your personal information," Dr. Guarnotta says. "This statement reinforces that. It shows that you’re intentionally holding your boundaries without reacting emotionally. If someone asks a personal question about your finances, stating this communicates confidence."
Too often, Dr. Guarnotta says, we lean into phrases to shut down intrusive questions and comments that reek of defensiveness. It's understandable, but she doesn't recommend it.
Also, keep in mind the psychology of a nosy person: she says they may enjoy "getting a rise" out of people. The justification trap can feel like defensiveness—mission accomplished (for the prying individual).
Dr. Guarnotta reminds everyone that we don't need to apologize or use clever comeback phrases to shut down a snoop, but she understands it's hard not to fall into that mindset.
Related: You Won’t Hear Emotionally Intelligent People Use This 1 Phrase With Friends, Psychologist Says
5 More Polite (But Firm) Scripts for Different Environments
Dealing with a nosy coworker is rough. You want to keep the peace, but you may not wish to get into the reason you changed your last name on social media (you recently got divorced), for example. Dr. Guarnotta recommends deflecting this personal question with a line like, "I like to keep my personal life separate from work, but I'd love to hear how your project is going."
2. The family gathering boundary
Setting boundaries with family is emotionally fraught, especially if you know they have your best interest at heart. For instance, they may know you recently got laid off and want to know how the job search is going (Spoiler: Discouraging). Dr. Guarnotta suggests saying, "I know you're asking because you care, but I'm not ready to talk about that today."
"Family members can sometimes feel entitled to personal information," she notes. "This reminds them that even close family relationships have boundaries that need to be respected."
Chronic gossipers and other truly nosy people can struggle to take a hint and read the room (or they refuse to). In these cases, Dr. Guarnotta says you'll need to take a more direct approach. Try a script like, "I've mentioned before that I don't discuss this topic. Please stop asking."
4. The polite pivot for well-meaning friends
Like family members, friends often cross lines with the best of intentions, so it's important to know how to politely deflect a question. Dr. Guarnotta recommends telling the pal, "I really appreciate your concern, but right now I need support more than questions."
5. The random shutdown
The person at the grocery store who asks when you're due, or the guy at the gas station who makes a comment about the hot-pink streaks in your hair, can really catch you off guard. After all, you were just trying to run an errand.
"You don’t owe random strangers personal information," she emphasizes. "These responses are brief, polite and make it clear that the conversation won’t continue."
Dr. Guarnotta tends to prefer silence over sarcasm when responding to someone who is prying.
That's not to say there's never room for sarcasm.
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Related: These 7 Subtle Phrases Sound Dismissive, Even When You Don't Mean To Be, a Psychologist Says
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