We've all been there: family members start asking us when we're going to get married, have a baby or "get a real job." The random person in the grocery store who asks us if we're having twins when we're not even pregnant. None of these personal/intrusive questions are OK, but it can be hard to know what to say to a nosy person when you do encounter them.
"When asked an intrusive question, many people freeze because they feel caught between two competing social instincts: the desire to be polite and the desire to be private," Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health, tells Parade. "Even when questions cross a line, many of us fear that refusing to answer is rude, so we end up divulging more than we are comfortable with."
Dr. Guarnotta says that knowing how to shut down a busybody is especially important when you start noticing signs of a chronic gossiper at work or in your circle. She shares that they will often ask "highly personal questions that might not be relevant to the conversation." They may also share private information with others.
"Setting boundaries with nosy people protects your privacy and well-being, and also teaches others how you expect to be treated," she notes. "The more consistently you set healthy boundaries, the easier and more comfortable it gets."
However, we often use tactics like vagueness or justification to respond to these violations. Dr. Guarnotta suggests a different way. She says the one phrase that shuts down a snoop isn't what you might think. She also reveals assertive communication scripts for every situation, including setting boundaries with family and dealing with a prying coworker.
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According to Dr. Guarnotta, the best phrase to shut down a nosy person is "That's not a conversation I'm available for."
She says this statement is clear, calm and respectful. Unlike vague statements, like "It's complicated," this phrase doesn't leave room for pushback.
The Psychology of the Pivot: Why This Phrase Works Instantly
"That's not a conversation I'm available for" is great for shutting down intrusive questions and comments because it taps into the psychology of nosy people, who may project their own boredom, argumentativeness, desire to be "right" or low self-worth onto others.
"It sets a boundary without attacking the other person," Dr. Guarnotta states. "This is important because people are less likely to become defensive when you state what you’re willing to engage in, rather than criticizing them."
For instance, she says that you're less likely to trigger defensiveness if you use a boundary-setting phrase like the one above instead of "It's none of your business" when an acquaintance asks you when you plan to have a baby. It also doesn't leave room for negotiation because it's clear and doesn't invite follow-up questions.
"Instead, you say something like 'I’d rather not talk about that because I’m having a hard time.' A nosy person might take that as an invitation," Dr. Guarnotta shares. On the flipside, "That's not a conversation I'm available for” communicates that the topic isn’t open to further discussion.
Perhaps most importantly, she says this phrase models self-respect.
"You don’t owe anyone access to your personal information," Dr. Guarnotta says. "This statement reinforces that. It shows that you’re intentionally holding your boundaries without reacting emotionally. If someone asks a personal question about your finances, stating this communicates confidence."
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Too often, Dr. Guarnotta says, we lean into phrases to shut down intrusive questions and comments that reek of defensiveness. It's understandable, but she doesn't recommend it.
"When people feel pressured to defend themselves, they might unintentionally end up revealing more information than they feel comfortable with," she explains.
Also, keep in mind the psychology of a nosy person: she says they may enjoy "getting a rise" out of people. The justification trap can feel like defensiveness—mission accomplished (for the prying individual).
"In these cases, it reinforces the behavior in the future," the psychologist states. "Ironically, the more that you try to justify your boundary, the weaker the boundary becomes. Boundaries are best when stated as neutral factors. You don’t have to convince anyone that you’re entitled to boundaries."
Dr. Guarnotta reminds everyone that we don't need to apologize or use clever comeback phrases to shut down a snoop, but she understands it's hard not to fall into that mindset.
"Asserting a boundary can be extremely uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it becomes easier over time," she says.
Related: You Won’t Hear Emotionally Intelligent People Use This 1 Phrase With Friends, Psychologist Says
5 More Polite (But Firm) Scripts for Different Environments
"That's not a conversation I'm available for" is a great way to deflect snooping, but you may want more specific phrases to shut down intrusive questions from family, friends and strangers. To help, Dr. Guarnotta shares assertive communication scripts for different situations below.
Dealing with a nosy coworker is rough. You want to keep the peace, but you may not wish to get into the reason you changed your last name on social media (you recently got divorced), for example. Dr. Guarnotta recommends deflecting this personal question with a line like, "I like to keep my personal life separate from work, but I'd love to hear how your project is going."
"This statement sets a clear boundary and redirects the conversation to another topic that you have in common," she explains. "It’s professional and polite and avoids uncomfortable awkwardness."
2. The family gathering boundary
Setting boundaries with family is emotionally fraught, especially if you know they have your best interest at heart. For instance, they may know you recently got laid off and want to know how the job search is going (Spoiler: Discouraging). Dr. Guarnotta suggests saying, "I know you're asking because you care, but I'm not ready to talk about that today."
She states that this phrase validates the good intentions but sets a clear boundary that you don't want to get into it right now.
"Family members can sometimes feel entitled to personal information," she notes. "This reminds them that even close family relationships have boundaries that need to be respected."
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Chronic gossipers and other truly nosy people can struggle to take a hint and read the room (or they refuse to). In these cases, Dr. Guarnotta says you'll need to take a more direct approach. Try a script like, "I've mentioned before that I don't discuss this topic. Please stop asking."
"Repeat offenders typically ignore or misinterpret vague statements," she explains. "They might even struggle to pick up on social cues. These individuals need a firm, clear response that emphasizes the boundary and the need to stop."
4. The polite pivot for well-meaning friends
Like family members, friends often cross lines with the best of intentions, so it's important to know how to politely deflect a question. Dr. Guarnotta recommends telling the pal, "I really appreciate your concern, but right now I need support more than questions."
"This statement validates the person’s good intentions, while highlighting what you do need," she says. "Good friends usually want to help, but they might not know how to."
5. The random shutdown
The person at the grocery store who asks when you're due, or the guy at the gas station who makes a comment about the hot-pink streaks in your hair, can really catch you off guard. After all, you were just trying to run an errand.
For intrusive comments about physical appearance, Dr. Guarnotta recommends the phrase, "I'd rather not talk about my body." For most situations with a stranger, she says, "I keep that part of my life private" works.
"You don’t owe random strangers personal information," she emphasizes. "These responses are brief, polite and make it clear that the conversation won’t continue."
Related: 10 Surprising Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Never, Ever Voice Out Loud, and Why
Dr. Guarnotta tends to prefer silence over sarcasm when responding to someone who is prying.
"Sarcasm can feel empowering, but when it’s used in situations where the other person isn’t also engaging in sarcasm, it usually escalates conflict," Dr. Guarnotta says. "Silence, or a boundary statement, followed by a change of subject, doesn’t reinforce the engagement that the nosy person is looking for."
That's not to say there's never room for sarcasm.
"There are situations where sarcasm or light humor can be used effectively, but if your goal is to end an intrusive conversation, firm boundaries win over sarcasm," she adds.
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Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health.Hence then, the article about psychologist says the 1 phrase that instantly shuts down a nosy person isn t what you might think was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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