A discussion point is trending amongst women across social media: “leave him or leave me out of it”. The phrase is a frustrated response to the myriad of women who post about the shitty things their male partner has done but then going on to defend his behaviour once its being called out.
You know the ones. It’s the bride who posted the video of her new husband smashing her face into the wedding cake for a “joke”, then fighting for her life in the comments telling everyone they “don’t understand his humour”. It’s the woman leaping to the defence of the man she just outed online for not knowing how to perform basic household tasks without her. “It was a joke, you guys!” It’s the woman going into bat for the man she exposed as a deadbeat dad.
It’s the posting of such content with the assumption we should simply laugh along with an “oh you!” mentality, when what we are actually watching is genuinely terrible behaviour.
And we don’t even have to look to the internet for such examples, do we? What woman hasn’t patiently sat for hours, listening to a friend talking about how crappy their partner is, only for them to do nothing about it? Hell, I’ve been the one doing the moaning! I’ve subjected friends and families to interminable soliloquies about the tedious f*ckwits I’ve dated in the past, only to ignore all their advice and go right back for more.
I get it. That is incredibly frustrating. The urge to grab your friend and literally shake them awake can be overwhelming. “This man clearly hates you, Mildred! Wake up, you dozy tart!!!”
In such circumstances, “leave him or leave me out of it” might feel like a way to uphold your own boundaries and to stop enabling a friend excusing behaviour she knows damn well is appalling.
But here’s the thing, leave him or leave me out of it isn’t a boundary; it’s an ultimatum – and an unhelpful one at that. The reasons people stay in toxic relationships and even defend the person whose poor behaviour is causing them pain are complex, and yes, this cycle can be very frustrating for loved ones.
In almost every video about this, the person making it is very quick to point out that they are not referring to victims of abuse, but rather your everyday, run-of-mill, knobhead behaviour that so many women put up with. They very specifically mean the women who choose and then defend shitty partners. To be sure, there is an interesting debate to be had around the enabling of bad choices a friend or loved one may be making by staying with said knobhead, but I still think “leave him or leave me out of it” closes down, rather than opens up the long process you have to go through before you realise you are indeed dating a twerp.
A friend opening up about how unhappy they are in a relationship is akin to them turning up with a bomb strapped to their chest; you must tread very lightly. Any sudden or wrong moves and the entire thing will blow up in both your faces. It is for this reason that I will never deploy “leave him or leave me out of it”.
Cutting off a friend who is moaning about a partner because they aren’t ready to leave them yet only creates shame and makes it even harder for them to leave further down the line. It takes times for someone to work through a bad relationship and realise that they need to leave. It’s not something you realise after the first incident of bad behaviour, or even the second and third. It takes time. Denial and defensiveness are all part of the process.
As far as I am concerned, my friends and family have a free pass to bitch about their shitty spouses for as long as it takes. Bring it on. I will sit there and listen to all of it and watch them go back every single time if that’s what it takes. I won’t collude in their denial that something causing them distress is “no big deal” or pretend it will all be ok, but I won’t cut them off. I will gently advise them and validate how upset they are feeling, but what I will not do is rush them or make them feel shame for not leaving, because that’s not how this stuff works.
Something I am always conscious of is that if someone is sharing toxic aspects of their relationship with me, what I am hearing will not be the worst of it. I am listening to a carefully curated version of events that lets the other person get validation that their feelings are justified but doesn’t reveal the true state of what they are living with. They are testing the waters to find out if you are a safe person to talk to. Only then will they start revealing more and more of what is really going on, and that will take time and patience.
“Leave him or leave me out of it” might sound like a defiant rallying cry and an important stance to stop enabling women who tolerate poor behaviour, but in reality, it is simply another way to blame women for men’s poor choices. Boundaries are important, and if a friend or loved one is draining your emotional battery with constant complaining about a partner they never leave, then you can manage how much time you spend with them. You could even try explaining that you feel your time together has become dominated with her relationship issues – but again, tread carefully.
Understanding the complex emotional responses people have to terrible relationships, even abusive relationships, is key to helping someone out of that situation. People will become defensive, illusive, and they can be very frustrating to listen to, but that’s what you have to do. Listen.
Creating more shame and issuing ultimatums only shuts down the process. They will withdraw and stop sharing with you. You will have revealed yourself as an unsafe person to talk too and then that vital communication line has gone.
You haven’t made it easier for them to leave, you just made everything much worse.
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