"It's like, ‘Wait, how did we get here?’" says Jessica Harrison, a couples counselor in Rhode Island. "That's a sign that somebody somewhere is being defensive."
The instinct to defend yourself isn’t a character flaw. It’s a protective reflex that can kick in when something threatens your sense of who you are. “We have the fight-or-flight response to protect ourselves from physical danger,” says Eli Kraiem, a clinical psychologist in New York who specializes in couples therapy. “But there’s also that same component to protecting our ego or our sense of self, which not everyone is as aware of.” In other words, a relatively ordinary complaint can feel like a verdict on who you are—especially when it comes from someone you care about. The alarm sounds, and suddenly you’re presenting Exhibit A for why you are, in fact, an excellent partner who does plenty around here, thank you very much.
The goal isn’t to eliminate defensiveness entirely. It’s to recognize it sooner, respond more thoughtfully, and know how to repair the conversation when you slip up. Here’s what experts recommend.
The answers tend to be specific and physical. “There's going to be a knot in my throat, there's going to be maybe a tightness in my stomach, a tightness in my chest, maybe my heart's beating,” he says.
Ask what you're trying to protect
Once you notice yourself becoming defensive, reflect on this: “What am I actually trying to protect?” It’s probably not the specific point you’re arguing about. More often, it’s something personal—your belief that you’re a good partner, a dependable friend, or a competent employee.
Figuring out what feels threatened can quickly change the conversation. A request for more help around the house might come across like this: “You think I’m a bad partner.” But that’s not necessarily what the other person said—or meant. They might simply be asking you to take on more around the house.
Sometimes, you become defensive precisely because being a good partner—or friend or employee—matters so much to you. “It's a sign that they care so much that they're terrified of getting it wrong,” Harrison says.
Katzman, who has spent decades in improvisational theater alongside his clinical work, suggests doing the opposite. “The way out is not to think faster,” he says. “It's really to become curious sooner.”
The alternative is the improv principle of “yes, and.” In an argument, that might mean acknowledging the other person’s experience before adding your own perspective. Another improv rule applies, too: “Make your partner look good,” Katzman says.
Look for the 2% truth
Even criticism that feels unfair, exaggerated, or badly timed often contains a sliver of truth. Kraiem calls it the “2% truth.” Finding that 2% can be difficult—especially when you’re busy cataloging the other 98% the person got wrong—but acknowledging it can quickly lower the temperature.
The challenge is resisting the urge to debate whether the criticism is technically accurate and focusing instead on the feelings behind it. “We focus more on the intellectual perspective,” Kraiem says, “as opposed to: How can I connect to this person and understand where they're coming from, even if it doesn't make 100% sense to me?”
"When you default to these absolute words like ‘never’ and ‘always,’ you invite defensiveness in the other person," Katzman says. "They're just going to come up and try to prove you wrong." Tell someone they never do the dishes, and you’ve handed them a debate they can win on a technicality: They did the dishes last Thursday. Now you’re arguing about Thursday. The real message—”I need more help,” or “I need you to see everything I'm doing”—never gets delivered.
Reflect back before you explain yourself
When someone tells you that you hurt them, your first instinct might be to explain what you meant—or why they misunderstood you. But to someone who has just made themselves vulnerable, that explanation can sound like an excuse. It can also leave them feeling even less heard.
This approach can also keep you from getting sidetracked into an argument about who said exactly what. Kraiem recently watched a couple spend several minutes going back and forth—”You said this.” “No, I didn’t”—before he stopped them. “Let's focus on the feelings that were felt in the room when this conversation happened,” he told them.
Then he noticed a dropping sensation in his stomach. When he paid attention to it, Rosen realized what the complaint had stirred up: a fear of how his son viewed him. Rather than argue about exactly what had happened, Rosen focused on how the experience had affected his son. “I’m sorry that that happened,” he told the boy, even though he didn’t remember it that way.
Keep a repair line in your back pocket
Sometimes the best thing you can do in the middle of an argument is stop trying to defend yourself and ask to start over. Be especially careful with the word “but”: “I see why you feel that way, but…” Everything that follows will probably sound like a rebuttal—and erase the acknowledgment that came before it.
These phrases won’t prevent every argument or mistake. “We're not going to eradicate fighting or mistakes that we make,” Kraiem says. What they can do is help you recover—to acknowledge that something came out wrong and give both of you a chance to handle the conversation differently.
Harrison suggests wording it like this: “I'm sorry I responded that way. I realize you were just saying you wanted more help. What I was feeling was that you were telling me I was a bad partner—and I know that's not what you were saying. But I want so badly to be a good partner that I felt like I had to defend myself.”
Ask what you want from the conversation
Katzman once found himself on the verge of arguing with a stranger at a restaurant. On a cold, windy night, he held the door open while his family walked inside. A woman seated near the entrance complained loudly about the draft. A waitress offered to move her, but she declined, saying she would be fine if “that man” would stop letting in the cold air. Then Katzman’s family was seated directly beside her—and she continued complaining.
“He winked at me in a way that I felt like, oh, you see me,” Katzman says. “And I should see myself and wake up to the fact that I don't need to get into this argument.”
Katzman still thinks about that wink when he feels himself getting pulled into an unnecessary argument. You can borrow it—or come up with your own cue that reminds you to pause and consider whether the conversation is worth having, he says. Sometimes the least defensive response is deciding not to argue at all.
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