The reasons for them are largely obvious – an attempt to control the narrative – but within them there are usually a number of confusing contradictions. For example, the demand for privacy, in a public missive released to the entire world. Or the assertion that the split was entirely mutual – have any two people in the history of the human race ever turned to each other at the exact same time and said in perfect unison, “it’s over”? However, this is surely one party protecting the other from losing face, so – unless it’s followed with a bombshell tell all interview a few weeks later – it should be applauded as an act of kindness.
Their nine years together have been full of iconic moments. The 2016 photos of them paddleboarding in Sardinia, where he was naked apart from a hat. His Sunday Times “Day In The Life” interview in 2021, which many believed must be a spoof because he talked about “earning” his breakfast of green powders mixed with brain octane oil and said, “I sometimes look at a cow and think, that’s the most beautiful thing ever”. The podcast Katy did last year, where she revealed she rewards Orlando for tidying up with an, as they say, intimate act: “If I come downstairs and the kitchen is clean, and you’ve done it all, and you’ve done all the dishes, and you’ve closed all the pantry doors, you better be ready to get your d**k sucked.”
It then it goes on to say the usual: they “will continue to be seen together as a family, as their shared priority is – and always will be – raising their daughter with love, stability, and mutual respect”. But come on – “shifting their relationship to focus on co-parenting” deserves some attention. It needs to be filed in the same drawer as “conscious uncoupling“, the 2014 term Gwyneth Paltrow hoped would enter the lexicon and become a kind of shorthand, and indeed it has, although not quite in the way she presumably hoped.
Oh, and also Kate Bosworth’s gushing six paragraph epitaph to her time with husband Michael Polish, illustrated by a picture of them kissing. “Our hearts are full, as we have never been so enamoured and deeply grateful for one another as we do in this decision to separate… In the process of letting go, we have come to acknowledge that our love will never end… We hold hands as tightly today as we entangled fingers on our wedding day… We believe the most epic love stories are those which transcend expectation.”
It began: “We’ve been laughing whilst drafting this because we never, ever, in a million years thought we’d be the couple announcing a break-up, but for the sake of clarity and, more importantly, to allow us the space and grace that’s needed for us both to be able to navigate this next bit of our lives with peace, we thought it might be best to.” And it ended by acknowledging how invested many of us had been in the romantic future of two people we had never met, without making that seem creepy: “Love you guys and thank you for all the love you’ve showered us with, it’s been beautiful.”
A masterclass. Although the perfection of their statement did make it harder than ever to give up on the idea of them living happily ever after. It’s not possible to write any statement that could make us accept that.
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