There are some things in life that high-class people just do differently. For starters, classy people don’t usually feel the need to explain themselves or their choices and are great at setting boundaries, especially when it comes to their inner circle. Hearsay is another topic that they handle with ease. While gossip can be tricky to stop effectively without triggering the gossiper, etiquette expert Jenny Dreizen says there are plenty of classy ways to shut down gossip without sounding preachy or overly judgmental.
While there are definitely instances when a conversation about the downside of spreading rumors is appropriate, being overly aggressive with your approach or lecturing someone about their behavior can backfire in a big way. This especially applies if it’s a close friend or family member.
Needless to say, there’s a lot to unpack here. We asked Dreizen to share all her expert advice on how to handle gossip in the classiest way possible, and she shares everything you need to know. Whether you’re looking for that one universal phrase to help you shut down gossip elegantly, how to handle rumors in different environments or when to utilize things like the “neutral curious” method, you’ve come to the right place.
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The ‘Classy’ Phrase That Shuts Down Gossip Instantly
It’s not always easy to shut down gossip in a polite way, but Dreizen shares the one phrase that comes off as polite while staying disengaged: “That’s not my story to tell.” It’s simple, to the point, and classy.
“It excuses both you and the gossiper in an elegant way,” she states. “In my mind, it is like sidestepping the issue entirely. It refuses ownership of someone else’s story and hands their story back to them, even if they never know this interaction happened.”
She says it also lets the gossiper know that you won’t budge on this without it being a conversation-ender.
“It’s more of a cul-de-sac,” she stresses. “Additionally, it informs the person you’re speaking to about some general boundaries you probably have.”
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Why Preachy Tactics—Like Lecturing and Calling People Out—Backfire
Giving someone a lecture about gossiping or shutting them down aggressively doesn’t always work, we’re sorry to say. Dreizen lays out a few reasons why this tactic can often backfire.
“Preachy tactics distract from the boundary you are trying to uphold,” she explains. “Now the conversation becomes about the ethics and merits, or demerits, of gossiping as a concept—which is an important and worthwhile conversation for two people to enter into with consent and on equal footing. The issue with lecturing someone who innocently tries to gossip with you is they might feel attacked.”
While it’s certainly beneficial to have a conversation about the ethical dilemma of gossiping, she says that creating parameters against it is the first and most important step.
“For example, you might simply set a boundary with someone who has not tried to gossip with you before or someone you just met, but you might enter [a] conversation [about the ethics of gossiping] with your mother, who you’ve asked repeatedly not to talk with you about your siblings behind their backs,” the etiquette expert continues.
Moralizing tactics might also shut someone down temporarily, but she says it can potentially make them feel small, triggering a defensive reaction.
“It can make you seem self-righteous or holier than thou,” she adds. “Broader than the gossip conversation, general preaching, lecturing and finger-pointing are not the community-minded, warm welcome we look for when we want to be and stay in community with people.”
Using combative confrontation as a tactic is also focusing on trying to change another person’s behavior, while quiet, high-status boundary setting is more about you. Dreizen shares a little bit more about this distinction when it comes to gossip.
“When you enter into combative confrontation, you are trying to win, correct or shame,” she states. “They are the focus. And while there is a time and place for those conversations, generally, places where social gossip is shared is not the time or place.”
Additionally, entering the conversation and being aggressive at a moment of gossip is an attempt to police the other person’s behaviors and conversations—which she stresses we can’t do.
“When we boundary-set, it’s about what we will do, stand for and participate in,” she explains. “We do have control over that. There is also an element of deciding how much effort, energy and emotion to put in for the person who gossips to you.”
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4 Elegant Ways To Handle Gossip in Different Environments
1. At work
Gently reminding people that you’re there to actually work in the workplace is key, according to Dreizen.
“Don’t forget that and don’t let them,” she explains. “You also don’t need to acknowledge everything you may or might not know.”
She recommends redirecting the conversation with something like, “You know, I’m not really sure. Do you have the numbers for the event tomorrow?”
2. In friend groups
If gossip is circulating in your friend group, Dreizen says to give power back to the subject of the gossip. Using her above key phrase, “That’s not my story to tell” works perfectly here. But you can also try using other empowering phrases like, “I’m sure if they want to share that with me, they will.”
“This lets the other [person] know you aren’t interested in third-party info on the situation,” she adds.
3. Amongst family
According to Dreizen, the best way to handle family gossip is simple: stay out of it!
“Families are like TV shows with lots of lore, seasons and opinions—dodge it,” she says. “[Phrases like] ‘I am staying out of it’ let them know where you stand. You can also lean on ‘[They] will share with me when and if [they] decide to—I’d rather hear it right from [them]‘ as you did with friends.”
4. When there are unconfirmed rumors
Dreizen says this is a good time to lean on her number one classy phrase, “That’s not my story to tell.” This phrase is so perfect because it works in every situation, but especially when there are unconfirmed rumors floating around. It’s also polite and classy to add that you don’t want to speculate and would rather hear from the person themselves.
The ‘Neutral Curious’ Method: How High-Status Communicators Disarm Rumors
Dreizen describes the “neutral curious” method as something that helps create a healthier environment for communication.
“It strips away emotional language to diffuse the potential emotional charge and does not assume the response,” she shares. “You are in a place of curiosity and not judgment.”
Using this method, you’d want to stay neutral in emotion—no gasping, sighing or eye-rolling in response to what someone is gossiping about.
Instead, ask a genuine question about what was shared—the source, evidence or person.
“Listen to what is underneath the gossip from the person you’re speaking to: anxiety? concern? judgment?” Dreizen continues. “If they seem to be concerned or anxious, point to that: ‘You seem to be concerned about Alex.’ This builds understanding through curiosity rather than shutting them down with judgment.”
On the other hand, there might not always be a good reason someone is gossiping. Their judgment or nosiness might be the underlying motive. If this is the case, Dreizen says to offer a better next step for them.
“[Try something like,] ‘If you’re concerned about Alex, maybe you should bring this up with them?’ or ‘I think I’ll connect with Alex directly; I’d like to hear it straight from them.’ And then release it, move on—switch topics, move forward.”
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Source:
Jenny Dreizen is an etiquette expert as well as the co-founder and COO of Fresh Starts Registry and author of Simple Scripts to Support Your People.Hence then, the article about the classy way to shut down gossip without sounding preachy or judgmental was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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