By Katie Hurley, CNN
(CNN) — As a therapist who works with teens and young adults, I’ve spent countless hours talking about safety in dating relationships. As a mom of two young adults, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve started conversations about consent, boundaries and mutual respect. But as details of the Cornell 7 continue to emerge, I wonder if any of it is enough.
Traditional lectures about sex and consent likely fall short when short-form video and AI companions offer quick (and not always accurate) answers without the awkward conversation. And, let’s face it, older generations aren’t necessarily keeping up with the preferred learning styles of Gen Z and Gen Alpha.
It’s no big secret that young people are influenced by online content, including some substituting pornography for sex education. A Common Sense Media report showed that 73% of respondents ages 13 to 17 have watched pornography online, with more than half (54%) seeing it before age 13. Additionally, 45% of teen respondents said they felt that online pornography gives them helpful information about sex.
AI companions are increasingly another source of information for teens. A separate Common Sense Media report revealed that 33% of them turn to AI companions for social interaction and relationships, including conversation practice, emotional support, role playing, friendship or romantic relationships.
While teens and young adults might find some helpful information online (assuming they opt for educational sources instead of pornography and bots), parents still need to find ways to fill the information gaps. I turned to two experts to offer some advice on how to raise boys who understand consent and healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Both highlighted an important theme in modern parenting: “the talk” is never a one-and-done. Bite sized and frequent conversations are our best bet.
Start the conversation sooner than you think
Whether your kids have constant access to technology or none at all, they are exposed to content and information about sex and relationships as early as 3rd grade.
“I think we are in denial about how early our kids are exposed to material relating to intimate relationships, sexuality and the power dynamics within both,” said John Duffy, a psychologist and author of “Rescuing Our Sons.” “I find that boys as young as 7, 8 or 9 are prepared to have these conversations at a more mature level than we might believe.”
Parents can scaffold these conversations by talking about love and caring for others early, and building toward dating, affection and healthy sexual relationships as they grow. If we talk about relationship development early and continue the conversations as boys grow, “the talk” is replaced by open and honest conversation.
It can also help to use media, books and even TikToks and Instagram Reels to jumpstart these conversations.
“Adults should lean on the tools they have like books and tips but also accept that they have to have awkward conversations,” warned Christopher Pepper, health educator and co-author of “Talk to Your Boys.” Embracing the awkward shows boys that it’s okay to speak honestly about topics that might feel embarrassing.
Keep it brief, clear and consistent
There’s no room for ambiguity when teaching boys not to rape or assault girls. Pepper suggests 5-minute conversations with specific agendas and a focus on values and expectations. Consider these talking points:
Consent means getting a “yes” every step of the way, from holding hands to touching and other sexual activity. Never assume one “yes” covers every scenario. Substance use disqualifies consent. If a girl is inebriated, think about ways to help her get home safely. Call for a ride, make sure she isn’t left alone, and ask for help if you need it. Enthusiasm needs to be present on both sides. Both parties should feel respected and enjoy the experience. If you have to convince her, you don’t have consent. Coercion in relationships can be subtle, but it is harmful.Duffy echoed the need to talk about clear lines of consent. “In sexual circumstances, as things progress, many boys begin to presume consent when it may not be present, or may not be present any longer,” he shared. Consent to one thing does not mean consent to everything.
Widely used in classrooms, the “Tea and Consent” video – using a metaphor of offering someone a cup of tea to illustrate the logic of consent – may be helpful if your child hasn’t seen it. Sex Ed for Guys, a Tik Tok project created by Colby College students, addresses everything from consent and dating to healthy masculinity.
The 5 D’s of bystander intervention
The fact that 50 young men in the Chi Phi Snapchat group failed to intervene sparked public outrage (rightfully so), but assuming that someone else will help is common in bystander situations. Power dynamics, hierarchy and fear can all prevent people from speaking up, especially within male groups.
Boys need to practice intervening in high risk situations. “It frequently takes only one person in male social groups to call something off and move the group dynamic to get the train to switch to another track,” Pepper said.
Right to Be developed the 5 D’s of bystander intervention to help people learn how to help other people. Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay and Direct are different methods of intervention. While dropping a metal water bottle to make a loud sound might work as a distraction in one scenario, another might require delegating by finding a person who is better positioned to stop the scenario. Role playing difficult situations at home prepares boys to intervene in the moment.
Establishing their own boundaries
Both Duffy and Pepper noted that boys have their own thoughts about what they want to do and when, but they also need to hear that they can set their own boundaries around consent.
Some teens feel powerless when it comes to initiating sexual relationships. “For a number of those young men who do engage, many express that they feel girls and women hold sex over them to maintain power in the relationship,” explained Duffy. “This results in an angry and adversarial approach to most any intimate relationship
Help your son create his own set of values, expectations and clear boundaries around sexual intimacy in dating relationships. The more boys learn to talk openly about sex and consent, the better prepared they are to engage in honest and clear dialogue with their partners.
While there’s no easy button on teaching healthy sexual development, parents do need to be clear, consistent and firm in teaching boys to respect their intimate partners and to hold their friends to task if they witness a harmful scenario.
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