Raising children comes with plenty of moments of joy, but the parenting experience is also filled with challenging times that inspire teaching moments. Take lying, for instance. When your child lies, it presents you with the opportunity to reinforce the idea that honesty is always the best policy. The way you approach the conversation can make a world of difference, so Parade consulted two psychologists and asked them to share the phrase they recommend using when you know your child is lying.
Lying is an inevitable part of human nature, and many kids are tempted to double down on a fib when they feel boxed into a corner. For that reason, psychologists have plenty of practical tips on how to handle a dishonest child. They also have valuable insight into why kids lie about small things.
If you're wondering how to encourage honesty in kids while also teaching them about the natural consequences of not telling the truth, the pros share some age-by-age scripts below for a range of potential scenarios you might encounter. They also break down the psychology behind why asking "Did you do this?" can backfire and feel like entrapment when you're trying to teach your children not to lie.
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There are times when you're not sure if your child is telling the truth, but there are also scenarios where it's crystal clear that they're lying. When the latter occasions arise, board-certified clinical psychiatrist Dr. Tamir Aldadrecommends using the following phrase: "I already know what happened. I just want to hear it from you."
"This works because it takes the trap out of the moment," Dr. Aldad, CEO of the mental health clinic Mindful Care, says. "You're not testing them; you're inviting honesty. That shift matters more than people realize because it changes what the child is being asked to do. They're not choosing between confession and denial anymore. They're just being given a chance to be truthful with someone who already has the facts."
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The 'Entrapment' Mistake: Why Asking 'Did You Do This?' Backfires
When you do happen to know that your child is lying, you may be tempted to ask them, "Did you do this?" But board-certified clinical psychologist Dr. Jenny Yip says this can create an entrapment question.
"The child quickly realizes this isn't genuine curiosity and is instead a test. Once children feel tested, they stop thinking about honesty and start thinking about escape," Dr. Yip, the author of Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts, says.
As children's brains develop, they learn impulse control, emotional regulation and future thinking. She says the threat of danger—punishment, disappointment or losing connection—sparks a change in their behavior.
"The survival part of the brain often takes over before the reasoning part has a chance," she notes. "Instead of asking a question you already know the answer to, state what you observed. For example: 'I noticed the lamp is broken. Help me understand what happened.' This invites explanation rather than forcing denial."
Dr. Aldad adds that children are wired to avoid "short-term threat over long-term consequence," and says most will lie in that moment when faced with an entrapment question.
"And it has a compounding cost. Over time, kids start to feel like they're being set up rather than invited to be honest, which erodes trust in the relationship you're trying to protect," he tells Parade.
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Psychologists tell Parade there are five common reasons children are dishonest.
When kids lie, Dr. Aldad says they're often thinking, "I didn't want to get in trouble, so denying it felt safer."
Dr. Yip notes that most childhood lying isn't about manipulation. Rather, it's about avoiding consequences.
"Children often believe telling the truth will make things dramatically worse," she says.
2. They want to protect the relationship
Punishment is a big motivating factor for lying, but Dr. Yip notes that children are also afraid of disappointing the people they love most.
"Especially sensitive children may hide mistakes because they cannot tolerate seeing disappointment on a parent's face. For many children, disappointing a parent feels more painful than the mistake itself," she shares.
When kids are roughhousing, they have a tendency to break things around the house or spill drinks. Still, getting them to admit to what they did can sometimes feel like an uphill battle.
In these scenarios, Dr. Aldad says children are often trying to protect someone else when they hide the truth from you.
"They may be thinking, 'My friend asked me not to say anything, and I didn't want to be the one who told,'" he explains.
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4. They struggle with shame
"Children who believe mistakes mean they're 'bad' often hide those mistakes," Dr. Yip says.
In other words, shame can create secrecy.
"Accountability creates growth," she shares. "Children who feel ashamed hide mistakes. Children who feel accepted are more willing to repair them."
Making mistakes is part of growing up. As it turns out, there's an actual biological reason why kids tend to lie.
"Executive functioning (i.e., impulse control, planning and considering long-term consequences) is still under construction," Dr. Yip explains. "Children often lie impulsively before they've had time to think. A child's first response isn't always their most thoughtful response. Their brain is still learning how to slow down."
Age-by-Age Scripts To Encourage Honesty
Lying is inevitable as your child grows up, but knowing how to address the situation can help guide your child in the right direction. To get you started, we asked the pros to share a few phrases you can use to address common lies.
Age Group: Toddlers (2-4)
The Common Lie: "I didn't spill it."The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "I can see the juice spilled. Everyone makes mistakes. Let's clean it up together."The Common Lie: "I didn't hit him."The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "I saw what happened. Let's use our words to express what you were feeling."The Common Lie: "I already finished my homework."The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "Let's check together. I'm not upset about unfinished homework. I want us to practice being honest."The Common Lie: "My brother/sister did it, not me." The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "I want to understand what actually happened so I can be fair to both of you."Age Group: Teens (12+)
The Common Lie: "I was at Jake's house last night. I didn't go to a party." The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "I already know you weren't at Jake's. I'd rather you tell me the truth, even an uncomfortable one, than lose the ability to trust what you tell me." The Common Lie: "I didn't break curfew last night." The Psychologist-Approved Phrase: "I'm not trying to catch you. I'm trying to build a relationship where you can be honest with me."
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Making sure your child knows that lying is wrong is your responsibility as a parent. However, there's a delicate balance between teaching them about consequences and reinforcing feelings of shame.
To find a happy medium, Dr. Aldad recommends separating the act from the identity.
"'You lied about this' lands very differently than 'You're a liar.' The second one tends to become a self-fulfilling label over time," he states.
The punishment should also fit the crime, so to speak.
"If a child lies about screen time, losing some screen privileges makes sense. If they lie about breaking something, helping repair or replace it makes sense. Avoid unrelated punishments that simply increase resentment," Dr. Yip says.
Addressing your child's lying in private is also important.
"Correcting a child in front of siblings or friends adds shame on top of the consequence, and shame tends to drive kids toward better lying, not more honesty," Dr. Aldad notes.
When your child does express the truth, make sure to encourage them.
"Praise honesty, even when it comes late," Dr. Yip shares. "If your child eventually tells the truth, acknowledge the courage it took. You can still address the behavior while reinforcing honesty. For example: 'I'm really glad you told me. The consequence still needs to happen, and I'm proud you chose to be honest.'"
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Dr. Tamir Aldad is a board-certified clinical psychiatrist and the CEO of the mental health clinic Mindful Care.Dr. Jenny Yip is a board-certified clinical psychologist and the author of Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts.Hence then, the article about child psychologist recommends using this phrase when you know your child is lying was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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