There’s a phrase you’ve probably heard (and even said) many times: “Marriage isn’t easy.” It’s common because, well, it’s true. Staying committed to someone through many thick and thin moments, hard decisions and sacrifices is far from what we’d put on an “easy” list.
Asking certain questions before marriage can help you avoid some of those obstacles, but it’s not a one-stop fix. Spouses can disagree and fight—and even need marriage counseling or divorce—for many reasons and at various points in their marriage. In other words, if you’ve been married a long time and you’re having problems—new or old—you’re not alone. Some of those predicaments are bigger issues than others and lead to more serious consequences.
When you think of obvious marriage killers or reasons for divorce (though it depends on the couple, of course), you might think of cheating, constant bickering or even “empty nest syndrome” (especially if you’re over 50 years old). The #1 silent killer, according to experts, isn’t any of those, believe it or not.
Ahead, three psychologists share what quietly ruins marriages, hidden warning signs of an unhappy marriage, other subtle marriage killers, how to reconnect with your partner and how to protect your marriage long-term.
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 7 Defensive Phrases Are Red Flags in a Relationship
The main silent killer of long-term marriages is… not talking about problems, whether they're within yourself or your partnership. Simply put, it harms both you and the relationship.
“If you choose to hide those issues, then the issues get worse,” says Dr. Golee Abrishami, PhD, a psychologist and the VP of clinical care at Octave. “Just the psychological weight of carrying an issue can add shame, and that shame can drag you and your marriage down.”
She’s seen unresolved arguments, unaddressed trauma and family conflict all chip away at a marriage.
Avoiding difficult conversations can “surface as sarcasm, irritability, annoyance or loss of affection,” according to Dr. Amy Rice, PhD, a licensed psychologist and co-founder of Golden Gate Counseling Services. She specializes in marriage, depression, anxiety, life transitions, relationships and other mental health concerns.
Specific examples of unaddressed problems may include not discussing your sex life and financial decisions, according to Dr. Nicole Prause, PhD, a licensed psychologist who’s publishing research in human sexuality and couples.
Regarding sex, she explains that if one partner in a monogamous relationship loses interest in sex, the couple may not address it out of fear of embarrassment or belief that nothing can be done—and that causes further problems.
“This leaves a sexual partner feeling unhappy and, often, feeling unloved,” she explains.
Financial secrets can also cause bigger and bigger problems.
“At a small scale, like not admitting to an expensive coffee on Fridays, these are reasonable secrets,” she clarifies. “Unfortunately, these are often held until the debt has reached a scale that it interferes with the ability to cover necessities.” That creates more strain and stress for the spouses.
To be fair, there are plenty of understandable reasons why you might not want to bring up those concerns. Dr. Abrishami lists some, such as getting used to your problems, normalizing negative things and simply being resistant to the conversation. With that said, there are real (and sometimes surprising) benefits to facing challenges head-on.
“When you let people see what you’re carrying, they often lend a helping hand,” she states. “In couples therapy, I have seen breakthroughs for one partner’s understanding when the other shares something they’ve been managing alone.”
Related: Married for 10 Years? Experts Say This Anniversary Matters Most for Retirement Planning
7 Hidden Warning Signs of an Unhappy Marriage
Other signs of an unhappy marriage certainly exist, too, psychologists say. But before we jump in, let’s be clear: “The warning signs are less about them happening, as these can all happen in relationships,” Dr. Rice states. “[They’re] more about whether the couple can talk openly and kindly about what’s happening and what may have changed.”
So again, they tie into talking about problems that (inevitably) arise.
It might be surprising, but it’s true. Regarding her work with couples, Dr. Abrishami says this is “not the brag they think it is.” She explains that avoidance or a lack of engagement can lead to not fighting—and it can contribute to resentment, too.
2. Unspoken resentment
On that note, resentment is both a cause and an effect of an unhappy marriage.
“It’s hard to respect someone you resent,” Dr. Abrishami says. “You may blame your partner for the outcomes of your life and feel like you had little to no say in how your life ended up.”
While not fighting isn’t a great sign, neither is a lot of fighting.
“Constant fighting is not a sign of passion,” Dr. Abrishami states. “In a marriage, constant fighting means that you lack perspective for what your partner values… That kind of unconditional love is not fairytale magic; it comes from hard work, awareness and communication.”
4. Sharing less and less with your partner
It’s OK to not share everything with your partner, but if it turns into lying or not talking much at all, you could be looking at a relationship red flag.
“Every person is entitled to privacy and secret thoughts, but deception and lack of communication tend to compound,” Dr. Prause says.
A lack of sex isn’t inherently problematic, but it might invite further conversation.
“A lack of sex can be healthy when discussed and agreed on, but a silent absence of sex where you are not sure what is happening is a good indicator of unhappiness,” Dr. Prause shares.
Dr. Rice agrees, saying indifference and disinterest in physical affection and intimacy are worth paying attention to.
6. No meaningful experiences or quality time
Typically, partners will want to share novel, exciting experiences with each other.
“If you have absolutely none of these, it may be difficult to maintain a feeling of closeness,” Dr. Prause says.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and researcher who founded The Gottman Institute with his wife, identified four communication styles that are likely predictors of divorce. Referred to as the “four horsemen,” they include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
This can show up as sarcasm or eye-rolling, Dr. Rice says, just to name a couple of examples. She considers them “important warning signs to pay attention to.”
Related: How to Spice up Your Marriage in 2026, a Relationship Expert Reveals
It’s important to know other relationship concerns that can hurt marriages so you can be proactive about them. Psychologists share five examples.
1. Being too busy
Have you been spending less time with your spouse? Or when you spend time together, is it less meaningful and focused? Take a minute to pause.
“After a lot of time, that lack of intentionality decreases connection until your connection becomes a memory instead of a happy marriage,” Dr. Abrishami says. “You might think that if you’re busy for the right reasons, you and your marriage will be OK. But what I've seen with clients is that the reason that you’re busy doesn’t make a difference.”
While spouses may need to discuss ending the relationship, the frequency is the concern here, according to Dr. Prause.
“We strongly encourage couples to avoid ever raising dissolution during arguments, because it is harmful to the longevity of the relationship,” she says. “Unless you are in a calm mind and planning to exit, try to avoid using relationship dissolution as a threat during disagreements.”
3. Emotionally disengaging from the relationship
Emotional neglect in marriage is real. It can look like not attending to your partner's feelings or even not sharing the “good” with them. It’s important to share your achievements and seek comfort in your partner, Dr. Rice says.
“When you and your partner are repeatedly turning away from each other, loneliness starts to grow inside the marriage,” she explains.
This issue can go hand-in-hand with not discussing concerns. Both require vulnerability—something that’s simultaneously scary and worth it.
“Moments of vulnerability are opportunities to connect and strengthen your bond,” Dr. Abrishami explains. “When you’re afraid of being judged or seen differently, that fear of rejection can eject the emotional depth from your relationship. Without depth, your marriage can become shallow and eventually surface-level.”
5. Resentment
Again, resentment can both lead to and be a sign of an unhappy marriage. It’s “a big one,” too, Dr. Rice says, because it often hides behind routines.
“You and your partner might not even recognize how much it’s built up and the distance it’s created,” she adds.
Related: If You’ve Said Any of These 14 Phrases, You Probably Have a Fear of Abandonment, Psychologists Explain
How To Reconnect and Protect Your Marriage Long-Term
Need some hope and advice after all that? Wondering how to fix a marriage or prevent problems in one? Consider the following tips from psychologists.
Keep the spark alive with consistent dates (they don’t have to be expensive or super long!) and a relationship reset. Pay attention to each other and show affection.
“Couples can benefit from rebuilding small, consistent points of contact,” Dr. Rice says. “That could start with a ten-minute conversation without distractions, a hug at the end of the day or making time for regular affection, like a good morning kiss, holding hands on a walk or just sitting closely while watching a show together.”
Attend couples therapy
According to Dr. Abrishami, “Everything we talked about today can be addressed in therapy.” In fact, she’s seen it happen, and successfully.
“In couples therapy, I've seen breakthroughs and repairs to broken bonds,” she recalls. “It’s never too late to start couples therapy, but most people express regret for not starting therapy sooner.”
She explains a skilled therapist can help you cut through the things that blurred your marriage so you can see your partner more clearly and reignite your love for each other.
Have the hard conversations
We would be remiss to not include this tip, especially given that avoiding it is a major silent killer of long-term marriages.
Dr. Prause adds that working through problems as they arise can lead to fewer, big, “we need to talk” conversations. Then, she shares other tips—and a bit of hope.
“Ensure conversations are honest and non-blaming,” she says. “You might identify what you miss and how you can find your way back to each other.”
Up Next:
Related: If Your Partner Suddenly Stops Caring About These 6 Things, Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble
Sources
Dr. Golee Abrishami, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the VP of Clinical Care at Octave.Dr. Amy Rice, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and co-founder of Golden Gate Counseling Services. She specializes in marriage, depression, anxiety, life transitions, relationships and other mental health concerns.Dr. Nicole Prause, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who’s publishing research in human sexuality and couples.The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman InstituteHence then, the article about we asked 3 psychologists what quietly hurts long term marriages they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( We Asked 3 Psychologists What Quietly Hurts Long-Term Marriages—They All Said the Same Thing )
Also on site :
- 10 Costco Brands That Are Secretly Made By Major Brands
- 1972 Classic, Ranked the No. 1 Greatest ‘Summer Rock Song of All Time,’ Remains a Timeless Anthem 54 Years Later
- IRGC claims strikes on US drone depot and AI hub in Bahrain