Cristiano Ronaldo’s first goal from open play for five years at a major tournament took the unmistakable shape of a bicep flex. Uzbekistan were not the only victims muscled to the ground.
Even Roy Keane, ordinarily an industry leader at pissing on the parade, was lost in the euphoric mist: “He’s back? He has never been away. Come on. He’s Ronaldo for goodness’ sake.”
You’d think Ronaldo had prised open France, Spain or Brazil to lift the World Cup, not sploshed a lightweight in sparring. Sit down Lionel Messi. Calm yourself Kylian Mbappe. And as for you, Erling Haaland, stick to rowing imaginary boats.
In the hyperbolic embrace of main character energy, are we not guilty of attaching too much significance to the early contributions of the tournament’s big-ticket items. The reaction to Ronaldo’s double suggests context is for miserable bastards.
"He's the man"Roy Keane reacts after Cristiano Ronaldo 'joins the party' at the #FIFAWorldCup pic.twitter.com/NPoQAtA3u0
— ITV Football (@itvfootball) June 23, 2026This World Cup will produce contests of real meaning and magic but hardly in this confected group stage, which is more about advancing Fifa’s coffers than the interests of the global game.
I’m all for inclusion, and accept that the arrival of Curacao, Cape Verde et al, adds novelty and colour to the plot and gratification to the participants, but positive discrimination should not be taken as a hallmark of quality.
Portugal cracked five past Uzbekistan pulling up. That Ronaldo wanted his goals to mean more speaks of a low bar not high achievement. Were there time during the ad break, sorry, hydration stop, an open-top bus ride around the Houston stadium to collect tributes from all those who called for his sacking would have met the sense of validation coursing through his marble veins.
All those GOAT notices pouring out of the game’s legendary figures in praise of the great Messi, the World Cup’s record scorer, added to the pummelling Ronaldo’s legend received against DR Congo and ultimately framed the Netflix response to his contribution against Uzbekistan.
The world’s most cinematic footballer staring straight down the cameras screaming “I’m back” was Insta gold as well as a nod to the absurd. That said, if we are to sound the trumpets for Messi’s spearing of Tunisia or Austria, Mbappe and Haaland feasting on Iraq, then we have only ourselves to blame.
Cristiano Ronaldo is BACK! pic.twitter.com/lLD6onevHv
— Match of the Day (@BBCMOTD) June 23, 2026Frankly, the group stages of this bloated festival should carry an asterisk in the goal columns of the game’s elite. Of course, teams like Uzbekistan, Curacao and Cape Verde have augmented the experience with their enthusiasm and honesty.
Cape Verde’s 40-year-old ‘keeper made us smile with his one-man cancellation of Spain and that’s okay. Let’s just maintain a sense of perspective.
Uzbekistan appeared so in thrall to Ronaldo for the free-kick they failed to spot Nuno Mendes sneakily eyeing the bottom corner, which, as Ronaldo readied himself to pull the trigger, he duly found.
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The pace of the match settled into a training environment for Portugal. Ronaldo duly wrapped his foot around Joao Cancelo’s cross for the first and slotted Bruno Fernandes’s slick pass without breaking stride to claim a corner of the pantheon as the first sapien to score at six World Cups.
Only Cameroon’s Roger Milla (42) has scored at a more advanced age than the 41 years on Ronaldo’s clock. According to Belgium boss Roberto Martinez, and Ronaldo’s former Manchester United teammate, Gary Neville, that record could fall four years hence when Portugal share hosting rights with Morocco and Spain.
A case of siiiuuu there, as it were. When will it end?
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