Think about your internal monologue. Who narrates it—you or a parent? If you answered your parents, know that you're not alone.
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C—a psychologist and the founder of Phoenix Health—says it's common for parents to become their lifelong children's inner voice. If you're a parent yourself, Dr. Guarnotta shares that it's important to understand the power your words still hold with an adult child.
"When a parent says the 'right' words, it has the power to heal, and a child instantly feels safe," she tells Parade. "When a parent says something hurtful or invalidating, it hurts even more so coming from them, versus a stranger, because our parents are supposed to know us best in the world."
Yet, moms and dads of adult kids can start to feel like nothing they say or do matters when the child no longer "needs" them for rides, dinner or shelter.
"When children become adults, the relationship ideally shifts from one based on authority and dependence to one based on mutual respect and emotional reciprocity," notes Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "However, many parents struggle with this transition because their identity is so rooted in caregiving and being in charge."
Still, Dr. Schiff says adult children still want an emotional connection along with autonomy, and other psychologists agree.
To help you establish a mature emotional connection with your grown-and-flown kids, we asked four psychologists: "What's the best phrase to use with adult children to transform your relationship?" They all said the same thing.
Related: 9 Things Parents Need From Their Adult Children—but Won’t Ask For, Psychologist Shares
The Best Phrase To Use With Adult Children, According to 4 Psychologists
Four psychologists agree that there's power in saying, "I'm sorry for my mistakes."
"Authentically acknowledging and apologizing for your mistakes can feel incredibly validating for the receiver," shares Dr. Anna Plotkina, Psy.D.,a licensed psychologist with Pathways Psychological Services. "Validation is one of the most powerful tools we have for connection and healing."
While Dr. Schiff agrees, she also concedes that it may not roll right off the tongue.
"This can be difficult for parents to say because it can trigger feelings of shame or concern that they are giving up authority," she explains. "They may also fear being wrong."
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, encourages you to say, "I'm sorry for my mistakes" to an adult child when:
You clearly caused harm, even if it was unintentional.When the longevity of the relationship matters, and repair is possible.When you genuinely understand what went wrong and their role in it.When you are ready to change your behavior.Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Dr. Guarnotta agrees there's power in this phrase—if used correctly.
"Let the apology stand on its own," she encourages parents of adult kids. "I would not recommend saying it if it’s used to shut down a conversation. It also shouldn’t be used if the entire goal is to guilt the child into a reaction or forcing a reconciliation."
She warns that apologies used as a manipulation tool feel insincere and can expand emotional distance. Additionally, the psychologists we spoke with agree that you shouldn't apologize if you didn't do anything wrong or don't mean it.
Related: The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says
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"I'm sorry for my mistakes" is an especially relationship-changing phrase between parents and adult children because it's unfortunately not the norm. And also, because it's a simple way to show mutual respect.
"When a parent never apologizes, it keeps the adult child questioning themselves, their reality and the relationship," Dr. Goldman states. "When a parent apologizes for their mistakes, several benefits occur."
Dr. Goldman says this phrase showcases emotional maturity and heals old wounds, self-doubt and unhealthy power dynamics. It can essentially take a 3-ton brick off of your adult child's heart.
"It takes away the shame from the adult child," Dr. Guarnotta notes. "Many children carry the burden of their parents’ mistakes as if they are at fault. Hearing a parent take ownership of those mistakes takes the weight off the child. This is the foundation of a healthy adult parent/child relationship."
Plus, Dr. Plotkina points out that apologizing gives your adult child the gift of validation.
"Allowing your child the opportunity to feel heard, seen and validated will facilitate any needed relationship repair and can deepen your connection with them," she shares.
And Dr. Schiff says this phrase shifts the interaction between you and your adult child from blame to repair, even if it's an exercise in humility.
"Many adult children aren't expecting perfection from their parents," she says. "They are seeking acknowledgment. When a parent admits they are sorry for their mistakes, it… creates space for a new relationship that isn't defined by past dynamics. If the child has long felt unseen or dismissed, this also interrupts that long-standing pattern."
Related: 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases Boomers Use With Their Adult Children, Psychologists Say
5 Other Ways To Better Your Relationship With Your Adult Children
Relationships are team sports, but even soccer and football stars do individual work when their teammates aren't watching.
"Sometimes repair and improvement need to be relational, but other times the parent might need to work on themselves independent of their relationship with their adult child," Dr. Goldman states.
For instance, she shares that parents may need to develop tools to better manage their emotions and communication.
"This demonstrates that the parent is doing hard work on themselves to be better people in general and to heal themselves," she says.
2. Seek to understand your adult child's experience
Dr. Schiff says that asking an adult child to help you understand their experience can be beneficial, too.
"This invites curiosity instead of defensiveness, which will immediately lower emotional intensity," she states. "The parent is willing to step outside of their own perspective and genuinely listen to the adult child's emotional reality."
If your adult child opens up, she recommends pausing before responding. Then, try to ask follow-up questions rather than correcting or explaining.
"Over time, this will build trust and create emotional room for the adult child," she says.
While we're on the subject of curiosity: Dr. Guarnotta understands how tough it can be to see an adult child struggle. But it's not your job to immediately fix their problems, as you once did with a broken toy using Gorilla Glue.
"Instead of telling your adult child how to solve a problem, ask open-ended questions to learn more about how they think they should approach the problem," the psychologist says.
For example, she suggests saying, “That sounds challenging. How were you thinking of handling that?”
"This signals that you view them as a capable adult, and it positions you as a support rather than a problem-solver," she states.
4. Respect "no"
Remember, your adult child is no longer a toddler refusing to put on shoes when you legitimately need to go somewhere.
"When an adult child sets a boundary and says 'no' to something, don’t take it personally," Dr. Guarnotta stresses. "It means that your child is clear about their needs and advocating for themselves. By honoring their boundaries without guilting them, they will feel respected and want to share more with you."
Related: 11 Boundaries Every Woman Should Set by 40, According to Therapists
Dr. Guarnotta recommends making an effort to connect with the person your adult child has become by celebrating their character rather than just toasting to their achievements.
"Highlight their honorable traits, humor and unique perspective on the world," she says. "Tell them why you appreciate this about them. So often parents think these things in their head or share them with others, but forget to say them out loud to their own children."
Related: 7 Signs You Need To Set Boundaries With Your Adult Child, According to a Psychologist
1. Trying to maintain control over the life of your adult child
Dr. Goldman reminds parents that their grown children are independent adults.
"If you continue to treat them as a dependent, that relationship will not foster growth and healthy autonomy," she warns. "Instead, it keeps the parent in a role of having control and power and prevents the adult child from healthy development."
Honoring boundaries is critical to parent-adult-child relationships, but Dr. Goldman says it's often a challenge.
"Parents can struggle to honor the boundaries of their adult child, commenting on what they feel the child is doing wrong, coming over unannounced and questioning their decisions," she reports. "Instead, parents can work on accepting the values of their adult child and trust that they raised their adult child well."
3. Making guilt-laden comments
Often, Dr. Guarnotta hears parents make guilt-laden comments, especially about the sacrifices they made. It creates emotional pressure on an adult child—not cool.
"Some people, including parents, use guilt to increase the likelihood they will get what they want," Dr. Guarnotta notes. "However, guilt is a manipulative tactic and can keep the parent/child in an unhealthy dynamic."
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 14 Phrases Boomers Use Can Trigger Guilt in Their Adult Kids
Final Takeaways
Relationships between parents and children change as the younger ones reach adulthood. Gone are the days of dependence. But the desire for emotional connection remains, as does the power in parents' words. In fact, psychologists say that a parent's voice often dominates an adult child's inner monologue. So, the "right" phrases can be transformative.
Psychologists agree that "I'm sorry for my mistakes" is especially transformative. It can foster repair and validation and take away shame. Use the phrase correctly. Psychologists recommend saying this phrase if you mean it and have done something wrong (even unintentionally). Avoid using it to shut down a conversation or induce guilt. Let the phrase stand on its own rather than following it with an explanation of why you did what you did.There are other ways to transform a relationship with an adult child. Asking questions before giving advice or getting defensive, respecting boundaries and praising their character can deepen emotional connections.Avoid certain pitfalls. Encroaching boundaries, guilting them with comments about all of the sacrifices you made and trying to maintain control over their lives are turn-offs for adult children.Up Next:
Related: The #1 Mistake Parents and Grandparents Should Avoid Making With Their Kids, According to a Psychologist
Sources:
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and the founder of Phoenix Health.Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.Dr. Anna Plotkina, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist with Pathways Psychological Services.Hence then, the article about we asked 4 psychologists the best phrase to use with adult children to transform your relationship they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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