I’m in love with my girlfriend – she’s smart, funny and pretty – and we moved in together six months ago.
But I have a shameful secret: I keep having sex dreams about my ex-girlfriend, once every month or two. They only started once we’d moved in so I’ve had maybe four in total. I wake up feeling guilty, partly because they are good dreams.
I haven’t seen my ex for years and wouldn’t want to reconnect with her in reality. So what does it mean? I wonder if it’s a sign that there are problems with my girlfriend – my ex was spontaneous and sometimes unpredictable, my girlfriend is thoughtful and affectionate.
Or could it be that we’re not compatible sexually? We have sex a few times a week, which is less than when we met but I wasn’t concerned until my ex started making an appearance.
I feel really happy in my current relationship, but very uncomfortable that I’m committing a betrayal in my sleep. Especially because I don’t want it to stop happening. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend.
Thanks, PB
***
Dear PB,
Sex dreams are exactly that. Dreams. This is not the equivalent of having an affair: you are not emotionally, psychically and physically connecting with your ex and you’re not committing a betrayal.
The sense of shame you’re experiencing is taking responsibility for something that is out of your control. Sex dreams themselves are remarkably common: almost 99 per cent of us have had one. And to have an ex appear in them is something that happens to 25 per cent of us, according to research from The Sleep Foundation (compared with 33 per cent who dream about their current partner).
I admire your integrity in questioning the unexpected arrival of your ex though. It seems like these dreams are helping you become aware, and take responsibility for, your body and your needs. Do you talk about sex with your current girlfriend? Are you clear about what you want and like and do you ask her? Is there a spontaneity that is missing in your sex life and how could you bring anything missing? It sounds clear that there is no unfinished business with your ex, but how did it end? Might your mind be belatedly ending a chapter?
The fact these dreams started when you moved in together might suggest that this is more about your life stage than previous relationships. Sex with your ex may feel exciting in dreams because it represents a stage and time in your life when you were genuinely carefree, which is a licence for magnificent sex with all of the exploration and spontaneity that we can imagine.
Your current lifestyle has more responsibilities as you share a home together and are planning for a future. It might be that you need to grieve this previous phase of life as you are in a committed relationship with someone you love.
Communication helps create solid foundations for relationships and I’d always encourage you to be open about your emotions. However, I’d distinguish between open communication and never keeping anything to yourself. Relationships aren’t confessionals. We all get to have a private life and this isn’t the same as hiding illicit text messages or an affair.
Given how much discomfort these dreams are causing you, I cannot think of a gain in sharing your ex’s arrival in your bedroom with your girlfriend. I don’t think you’re clear why these dreams are happening, and I don’t think she will be either. It seems kinder to yourself, to her and to your relationship to work through any significance that these dreams might have yourself.
I hear your guilt for enjoying these sex dreams. I want to reassure you that by their nature, most sex dreams are enjoyable. It sounds as if you are starting to become attached to these dreams, because you are saying that you don’t want them to stop.
These dreams might fade away, or may reoccur from time to time throughout your life, just as other people have exam anxiety dreams decades after they’ve stopped formal studies. If I had to pick one, I know I’d rather be thrown back into a previous bed than exam halls.
The fact that your ex-girlfriend’s visits have caused you such concern suggests to me how much you care about your girlfriend and the importance of this relationship.
My recommendation is that you afford the dreams less significance – let them come and go – while letting your relationship in the here and now grow in sexual and emotional depth. In the meantime, sleep well.
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