Obstacle parenting goes against every parenting instinct in my body. It is not, as the name might imply, irresponsibly throwing obstacles in a child’s path so they have to artificially navigate challenges on their way to adulthood as if they were a hero in a Greek myth. Instead, the focus is on parents to stop stepping in arbitrarily to help their children and soften the landing when they find things hard.
Sensibly, it cautions that our children grow into capable adults by learning to rely on their own resources, which only happens with ample chance to make mistakes, experiment and fail so they become rounded humans.
This might sound obvious, but I’m a parent who finds it hard to not step in and smooth the path of life for my children – ages eight, six and three – when I see them struggling, a behaviour not-so-complimentarily nicknamed “snowploughing”.
There’s no doubt that, as a whole, society has become more protective over children and teens, but taking over baking so they never get beyond stirring the cake mix and closer to making a cake alone (this is me) doesn’t help children develop self-belief, or enjoy how capable they are.
Dr Kenneth Ginsburg, founding director of the Centre for Parent and Teen Communication who developed “lighthouse parenting” (where parents are active guides but not controlling), says there’s a balance to be struck. “Helping children navigate obstacles is good. Life offers enough on its own, we needn’t create them. It has to include parental support as a reliable source of strength and confidence,” he believes.
But he also cautions against failure avoidance. “Parents may want their children to avoid failing because they see it as a reflection of their own failure,” he says. “We need to reframe the concept of failure to see it in a positive light. When a child fails, that means they’ve taken a risk or stepped out of their comfort zone. These are important moments in adolescent development. Learning to fail and then move forward helps your child to build resilience. It teaches them that they can manage what comes their way – and if they can’t, they learn to try again, and cope.
It’s great for children to experience failure when they are young and the stakes are low – and while parents are still able to keep an eye on them to keep them in safe territory. If they don’t have the chance to fail when they’re young, they could suffer later in adulthood when the consequences may be more serious. Parents who don’t let their children fail may also be sending a message to their kids that they don’t trust them to do things themselves.”
Easing the path of life, just slightly, is very hard not to do, so I resolve to step back, at least a little, for a week. I want to encourage my children to become resilient, but without overwhelming them.
My first change is my eldest daughter Astrid’s school bag. Why have I never had a conversation with my eight-year-old about preparing her own bag each day? I’ve seen making sure she has everything ready for the day ahead as an act of love. Others would call it snowploughing.
Practically, there’s a lot to remember; if I’m not around, I write long lists of what the children need, extras for bake sales or non uniform days. This has ramped up through primary and if I transfer responsibility for her bag onto Astrid and she forgets something, I don’t want her to feel worried she’s unprepared while in school or upset she hasn’t got her PE kit.
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But by secondary school, children are responsible for their own bags and it seems a good time to start, however gradually. So rather than a magically ready bag appearing each morning, I start asking Astrid what she needs and realise that she’s a lot more engaged than I’ve given her credit for. She’d rather go to school with no snack than get her own and I’d rather she goes in with a snack just in case, so I keep Tupperware stocked with blueberries and crackers.
One day, I forget – or we forget – a gumshield for hockey and the next day Astrid reminds me about it. My grin is huge: she has more control over her days and I can see that this is better as a joint responsibility. I’m not going to get any headspace back yet but it’s nice if we can remind each other of any oversights. It also made me realise that we’re a step closer to that time when she won’t welcome me knowing her timetables off by heart.
My son Xavi, six, wants some help with maths, which is his favourite subject. I join him, making sure he’s quicker than me with all the answers so I’m not stepping in. Then I realise that he just wanted my company and encouragement anyway. I’m not sure whether I’m obstacle-ing or snowploughing to stick around, but either way I do. I try to step back and watch how Xavi tries to be really quick when he’s adding and subtracting, and when challenge turns to frustration. He’s excited by his success by the end.
My youngest daughter Juno, who’s three, has probably come a little closer to experiencing obstacle parenting from the outset: by the very nature of having fuller hands, she’s waited longer for attention. Only, she didn’t wait, she just got on with things herself. She now finds it infuriating if I try to help her with anything, from dressing to finding a lost teddy. She forces me to almost-obstacle parent by dint of sheer determination.
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Yesterday, she finished painting, put all the tops back on the paints and gave them back to me because she was done. As someone who’s been accused of messiness, I was slightly taken aback. Similarly, she lugs her bike inside after riding, chops up vegetables for our guinea pigs and climbs stools to help herself to snacks. It’s hard to know, though, whether there’s an innate independence in Juno – how much as parents do we respond to our child’s nature and how much does their nature form in response to their environment?
My final obstacle of the week is Astrid’s homework – and the fact she seems unenthusiastic about doing it. When I was in primary school, our homework always seemed to be a series of projects. I loved to over-deliver, especially if there was an excuse to dip paper in tea and create some letters from the Elizabethan period. I’d describe my attitude as earnest; you’d possibly say swot. Either way, it surprises me when my children don’t always approach homework with the same demeanour. Usually, Astrid’s pretty keen to do a little bit, but not this week and my enthusiasm to make sure she’s completed it on time is not met by any enthusiasm for spellings.
I wonder why I’m putting pressure on her which is causing her to resist. Perhaps I’m worried that she’ll be “in trouble”, which was probably a fear of my own at that age. But both she and I know that her teacher is understanding and brilliantly encouraging. Perhaps I’m worried that I’ll be judged.
I can see from my short week trying to be more obstacle parent that my children make good decisions when I step back, and gain confidence from independence. I learnt that sometimes, unintentionally, I’m underestimating them – and that sometimes my help becomes more of a habit than genuinely useful. No parent wants their children to fall too far and I want to be there to guide them, but I can also see that learning to not swoop in too quickly is hugely important, too. There’s a balance to be struck, because I want my children to always know I’m there for them.
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