Two couples I know, both in their forties, are splitting up. The decisions were made in early, gloomy January. They have kids and are feeling guilt, anger, sorrow, regret, loss of trust, loss of confidence and self-loathing. In both cases, one partner decided it was over, leaving the other in shreds.
I have been there too. Thirty-seven years ago this month, 10 days before our son’s 10th birthday, my first husband left us and moved in with a younger woman he’d secretly been having an affair with. We’d been married for 17 years. Our tears and entreaties couldn’t stop him.
The shock and pain were indescribable. Luckily, a lovely Englishman came along and we remade our lives. That was in 1990. But I still remember the grey day our lives were shattered.
Last night, I finished reading the newly published Strangers: A Memoir of a Marriage by Belle Burden, and cried because it swept me back to 20 January 1987. The woman, a rich New Yorker and mum of four, discovered her husband James was having an affair. He left, coldly and forever. Her many questions have never been answered. Nor have mine.
January is dubbed “divorce month”. You see a plethora of lawyers’ adverts offering “easy” and “cheap” divorces. But divorce is never cheap or easy. Not even after the no-fault divorce act of 2022, which allows couples to part without assigning blame. (That, to me, has always seemed deeply unfair. Most marriages don’t just fizzle out. One of the partners causes the breakup.)
In the 1970s, around 22 per cent of marriages in the UK ended in divorce. Now, it is 42 per cent. Salisbury and Torquay are divorce hotspots. Almost one in four couples who filed for divorce had been married for between five and eight years; the median figure for divorcing heterosexual couples is 12.7 years.
I can’t say I’m shocked. In modern times, the wedding is the thing. Money, hopes and big plans are thrown at those by too many “romantics” who want the “perfect” day imagined by various influencers and costly dreammakers. Marriage is the post-coital come down. Mature couples are more realistic about marriage and divorce, but handicapped by a sense of propriety or feelings of failure.
In some ways, the divorce figures indicate progress. Women no longer put up with boring, unworthy, unfaithful or abusive men. And many couples don’t stay locked in miserable unions as my parents did. In Asian cultures, you are expected to put up and shut up.
Yet there is still something profoundly saddening here. Whatever the reason, be it noble or ignoble, divorce splinters lives. Euphemistic explanations – “We grew apart” or “It was mutual” – are evasion devices. Divorce, like death, is hard to talk about openly and honestly. Memories carry truths that can’t be aired in polite company. You can recover and move on, but the past often crashes into the present.
Many divorcing couples and experts make-believe that kids quickly adjust to divorce and turn out just fine. How do they know? Is this not wishful thinking? Some experts I consulted are concerned that children, even the very young, learn to behave normally and happily after family breakdowns. They become the adults in order not to upset their parents.
One psychotherapist who specialises in adolescent care told me this week: “I have seen such unhappiness in young people from broken families. Most kids adjust and carry on. But those who can’t, hide their pain, cut and starve themselves, feel lost, mainly because the parents are uncomfortable and can’t have difficult conversations. They just wait for the new dawn to come.”
When it comes to custody battles, writes Professor Lara Feigel of King’s College London, “children have as little agency as they did in the 19th century, when in England they were legally the possessions of their fathers with no rights of their own”.
People should be free to divorce and some have to, but having been through it myself, I think they need to consider the consequences of the life-changing decision on the family unit. The bonds of love and trust are precious and fragile. They can be broken even when divorcees try to do their best for their nearest and dearest.
We are still in divorce month. If you have decided to end your marriage, I wish you all the best. But please remember, a no-fault legal split is never painless or cost-free.
Your next read
square EMILY WATKINSDavid Beckham has always been a national embarrassment
square PATRICK COCKBURNEurope can stop Trump – here’s how
square SARAH BAXTERTrump is losing America, and he simply doesn’t care
square PAUL MASON Are We Ready For War?Russia is aiming to control the UK. It would tear society apart
Hence then, the article about divorce is bad for britain but nobody wants to say it was published today ( ) and is available on inews ( Middle East ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( Divorce is bad for Britain, but nobody wants to say it )
Also on site :
- US trade with Southeast Asia and Taiwan surging despite Trump tariffs
- Will Trent's Erika Christensen On The Significance Of Angie Having A Girl, Her Engagement To Seth, And What Changes (And Doesn't) With Will
- Remember 2016? Panera Wants You to Relive It — One Broccoli Cheddar Bread Bowl at a Time