DEAR MISS MANNERS: Nearly three decades ago, my husband committed a serious crime.
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Yet even after all these years, whenever his past comes up — whether whispered by neighbors or bluntly raised by acquaintances — people seem to see only the crime, not the person he has become. Some act as if it is their right to question me about it, while others avoid us altogether.
How can I respond with dignity when people insist on defining my husband by a mistake from decades ago, instead of by the life he has built since?
GENTLE READER: It perplexes Miss Manners how many people adore “Les Misérables” without being upset by its central accusation: that it is the rankest hypocrisy for society to equate serving one’s time with forgiveness.
But even if society were genuinely forgiving, there are many types of serious crimes. Being forgiven by society and being forgiven by one’s victims are different matters.
It is a simple matter to preserve your dignity with former victims of your husband’s crime who now wish to maintain their distance: Respect that wish. For those who wish to confront you, depending on how they do so, it may be necessary to create some distance — with as much respect and humility as you can muster.
This does not apply to the merely curious. They are simply being rude, which means that it is time to excuse yourself from the conversation.
Note the fundamental difference in what Miss Manners is saying from what you asked: While it is laudable that your husband’s behavior has changed, there is no need to invite people to judge your husband on his behavior, past or present — and Miss Manners is cynical enough to think that no good will come of doing so.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here’s a moment that has bothered me for decades.
When I was an unworldly 20-something male visiting Manhattan for the first time, a friend and I dined at an upscale restaurant. It was my first time at a place like that.
Our waiter brought a generous tray of olives and celery sticks to the table and then disappeared for a long while. I ate an unpitted olive and then realized there was no dish on which to place the pit. I didn’t want to deposit it on the fine white tablecloth or toss it back with the other olives. We debated what to do and finally decided I should simply throw it under the table onto the floor.
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GENTLE READER: You could have wrapped it in a handkerchief, tissue or napkin. Or if it was bothering you that much, you could have made a special trip to the bathroom and disposed of it there.
But if this has been on your mind for decades, Miss Manners wonders how you have resisted going back to see if it is still where you left it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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