My wedding cost £50k – six months later, he divorced me ...Middle East

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My wedding cost £50k – six months later, he divorced me

A little over three years ago, at 30 years old, I did what is often considered a major milestone of adulthood: I got married. I believed that the union – between my partner of almost a decade and I – would mark the beginning of my happily ever after. Within a couple of years I’d pop out a kid, and within five we’d move to a country pile with a huge garden that we could just about afford.

The future was bright, and relatively predictable. Until it wasn’t.

    Six months into our matrimony, my husband delivered the bombshell that he didn’t want to be married after all. Rather, he didn’t want to be married to me. What followed was a cascade of nightmares that taught me the truth about marriage that I’d naively overlooked.

    Not least the financial absurdities of our (very short) union that meant, by 31, I’d lost £12,000. Savings my mother had put aside for me got mixed up in our joint house purchase, meaning I wasn’t entitled to take it all back.

    As a newly single person I no longer had that nest egg, nor the dream home in London, and wasn’t able to qualify for a new mortgage on my salary alone. And UK family law meant there was absolutely nothing I could do about any of this.

    Here, I’ve compiled everything I learnt while entering and exiting marriage to stop lovestruck couples making the same mistakes I did – ensuring they enter the legal institution with their eyes fully open. Where exactly did I go wrong?

    I wish I’d got a prenup – and paid attention to our finances

    I didn’t get a prenup. Recent surveys suggest the agreement – which sets out how finances will be handled in the case of divorce – are more popular than ever, up 62 per cent in just three years, according to Co-op legal services. But I was not so canny; I thought prenups were only for the mega-wealthy. Contrary to popular thought, prenups aren’t just for landed gentry and Hollywood royalty. Experts advise that even those with a small nest egg can stand to benefit.

    In my case, a hefty sum of cash that was gifted by my family a few months before we wed remained “shared” when we split, as is the case for all financial assets when you enter into marriage. When I tried to fight for it, my ex sent me a letter – clearly written by a solicitor – kindly informing me of this, adding that if he chose to, he could also access my personal savings of around £30k and my pension. And he was right.

    If the cash you have squirrelled away is significantly more than it costs to get a prenup drawn up (around £5-8,000), do yourself a favour and get one.

    This leads me to the second important lesson: don’t be a stranger to your finances. Like many couples, my husband oversaw money in our household. Mortgage payments, bills, house deposits – including the lump sum from my family – all came and went via his bank account. This division of labour screwed me over in two ways. It meant my ex could claim my family’s cash was spent on various home improvements, meaning there was none left to return to me when it came time to divvy it up, and there was nothing I could do to prove otherwise.

    And then there’s also the disabling fear that strikes when you realise you’ll have to figure it all out alone for the first time ever. My financial illiteracy left me far more petrified of independence than was necessary. Had I understood the meaning of interest rates and the name of our water supplier, singlehood would have felt a whole lot less terrifying.

    I wish I hired a professional sooner

    Another regret is not hiring a divorce lawyer earlier in the process. Admittedly, the help of a legal professional is a significant expense. However, if you can afford to spare £2,000 (solicitors out of London are cheaper), it’s worth it.

    I spent the first five months of our split navigating complicated and patronising emails from my ex about everything from splitting our shared assets to the timeframe of our legal separation. It made attempting to escape from the flaming bin of my life – even briefly – impossible. I’d be happily distracted at my desk when a new email would land in my inbox and immediately destroy me.

    After six months I decided I had enough of the back and forth and found a relatively inexpensive and incredibly kind solicitor based in Leicestershire who took over correspondence. He also ensured I had a vital contract that stops an ex coming after your riches decades after a finalised divorce. Without this agreement, known as a consent order, my former husband could claim rights to future earnings – even though we’re divorced. I’d have never known it existed if it weren’t for the professional legal advice.

    As one divorce lawyer told me: “You wouldn’t attempt to fix your dishwasher unless you were a plumber. The same applies for divorce; you need a professional.”

    I thought my husband wanted children – in fact, he was petrified

    As for the relationship, there’s an endless list of things I wish I’d done differently; that’s the wonder of hindsight. But there’s one that’s particularly salient. If you want a family, ask, ask and ask again if your partner does too.

    I spent the final year of my relationship touring the women’s health specialists of London in order to check the state of my fertility. I endured the most compromising of medical tests to ensure that the minute we tied the knot, we could hit go on our plan to start a family.

    But unbeknownst to me, my other half wasn’t on board. Despite the endless conversations about our kids and choosing a property based on proximity to decent schools, my ex was secretly petrified of having a baby. I learnt of this for the first time on the day he dumped me.

    When I asked why he’d kept his reservations to himself, he responded with something along the lines of “I didn’t want to upset you”. I still feel nauseous when I think of what might have happened if we’d have gone down that road. I’d have been trapped with a husband who didn’t want me or my child.

    I’ve since quizzed relationship gurus who’ve told me it’s not uncommon for men to bury what they view as “unhelpful” feelings.

    “A lot of men believe that they need to suck up and tolerate things,” says Shawn Smith, a psychologist specialising in male relationships who is based in Colorado. “They don’t see complaining as helpful because it doesn’t make a situation any better.” Others say male secrecy can also be a symptom of not wanting to come across as angry or aggressive.

    “I don’t think we recognise men’s nervousness about this enough,” says couple’s therapist Susanna Abse. “If you’re a man who is not particularly assertive, and not the type to say ‘I won’t put up with this or that’, what do you do? This can lead men to express their aggression in underhand ways, like lying, or leaving out of the blue.”

    Spending too much on the day itself

    My final advice to engaged couples is this: don’t buy the expensive table cloths. Give your guests the cheapest wine the venue offers. And please, for the love of god, don’t spend more than £1,000 on a dress. My wedding cost in the region of £50,000 – for a marriage of six months. Let that sink in.

    If I hadn’t been so obsessed with the perfect 24 hours, I’d have been able to afford a semi-decent one bedroom flat in an area I actually wanted to live in. I’d have been able to give my family some of their money back. Or, most toe-curling, I could have put savings away for my baby son, who was born in July 2025. Trust me, the cheap stuff is fine. No one will know the difference.

    What She Did Next: What to Do When the Life You Planned Is F***ed Up by Eve Simmons is published on Jan 8th

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