7 Things Parents Say During Conflict That Adult Children Often Misinterpret, According to Psychologists ...Saudi Arabia

In the middle of a diaper change or during a teenage shouting contest, parents might dream of the day they are on the "same page" as their kids once they become adults. Yet, families don't all start speaking the same language once a child hits a certain age. In fact, the age gaps between parents and their children—which will never change—may also lead to perpetual differences in communication style. This includes during conflict as well."Meaning ‘travels’ and is interpreted differently depending on... what environments you were taught how to speak, how you were raised to define certain concepts... and what emotions were and were not allowed in your home and in the world," explains Dr. Janine O’Brien, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Dr. Janine O’Brien, Therapy and Consultation.She warns that when you don't keep that context in mind, you "end up arguing with someone’s history instead of the person in front of you."As a result, communication and relationships can break down. Even if something doesn't start out badly, it can quickly get there if you don't stop and try to meet your child halfway. To help you better communicate, especially when tensions are high, psychologists share seven phrases parents say during conflict that adult children often misinterpret. They also give insights on how to better disagree with your adult kids.Related: 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases Boomers Use With Their Adult Children, Psychologists Say

7 Things Parents Say During Conflict That Adult Children Often Misinterpret, Psychologists Say

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You may be right, but it might drive your adult child crazy."It can land as unsolicited advice or judgment," Dr. O'Brien explains. "Adult kids might hear 'You’re doing it wrong' or 'I know better.” Sometimes, the parent really is being controlling. Other times, it’s their clumsy way of saying, 'I’m worried, and this is how I show care.'"

2. 'I didn't raise you like that.'

An oldie but not-so-goodie. "The adult child hears shame or policing," Dr. O'Brien says.She concedes that while it might be just that—depending on the parent—that's not always the case."Often, it’s [the parents] feeling powerless and unsure how to relate to [their child] now that [they 're] an adult," she explains.

Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist and the founder of Duality Psychological Services, says parents frequently use this phrase to provide their adult child with perspective. "However, the parent can come across as guilt-inducing or condescending, creating a sense of pressure or invalidation," he shares.Dr. O'Brien agrees, saying phrases like this one are sometimes an unskilled way to say, "I really tried my best." That may be true, but so is this: "Adult children might hear pressure or obligation," she explains.

4. 'I never said that.'

Dr. Dale Atkins, PhD.—a licensed psychologist and author of the forthcoming children's book, The Turquoise Butterfly—notes that parents and adult children may remember situations differently. A parent may also want to "clarify the record.""Adult children may hear it as manipulation or gaslighting, even when that’s not the intention," she explains. "The emotional charge of differing memories can create misinterpretation and misunderstanding."Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists

Dr. Atkins knows the intent with this phrase is often tender, and it's usually delivered with care. But that doesn't change how a grown child hears it. "Adult children can interpret it as criticism of their choices, competence or stability," she shares. "The phrase touches on independence, which is often a sensitive territory between generations."Another psychologist agrees that this phrase is often loaded."Constant expressions of worry can be interpreted as a lack of faith in the adult child's ability to navigate life," reports Dr. Tara M. Lally, Ph.D., the chief psychologist at Ocean University Medical Center. "It can create a sense of pressure and the feeling of being perpetually monitored."

6. 'Back when I was your age…'

Honestly? This phrase is usually triggering in childhood and throughout adulthood. "Parents often intend this as perspective—a bridge between decades and experiences," Dr. Atkins states. "Adult children can experience it as invalidation, as if their current reality is being minimized and a competition or comparison that has no place in the conversation."Dr. Lally isn't a fan of comparisons either."The adult child can misunderstand it as a lecture... leading to frustration and a sense of being misunderstood," she states. 

Is this meant to be heartfelt? Yes. But is it open for misinterpretation? Also, yes."To a parent, this is an expression of love and commitment," Dr. Atkins says. "To their adult child, it can feel like their parent is presenting themselves as the authority who has the right answer."Related: 9 Things Boomers Do That Drive Their Adult Children Away, Psychologists Reveal

1. Communicate with honesty

Relationships will naturally change over time, and it's best not to ignore this fact."Both parents and adult children should be aware that all relationship dynamics will shift over time, and the best way to navigate this is with open, honest communication about your desires and expectations," Dr. Lally says.

"Adult children flourish when they feel seen as capable, thoughtful adults," Dr. Atkins says.She shares that parents can convey love and respect by saying things like, “I trust you to make the choices that are right for you; are you interested in hearing my perspective?”"Respect, when accentuated, has real power," she explains. "It reassures your child that you honor who they’ve become and that your relationship is growing in a healthy, evolving direction and that you want to have a healthy, respectful, compassionate partnership in their life."

3. Listen to understand, not to lecture

This one is critical."We can often learn a lot from our adult children, who have traveled their own path and learned from their unique journeys," Dr. Lally explains. "It’s fine to offer a perspective, but it’s more productive if it feels like an exchange of ideas than an attempt to dismiss or judge their perspective."Up Next:

Related: 7 Ways To Stay Close With Adult Children Without Being Overbearing

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