How To Set Boundaries Around Gift-Giving Without Sounding Rude, According to Psychologists ...Saudi Arabia

You may remember the joy of Christmasmorning or opening gifts during special family dinners during Hanukkah. Yet, those good cheer feelings may feel like ghosts of holiday seasons past now that you're grown and flown the coop. Gift-giving can put a strain on your finances, time and overall emotional well-being. Boundaries around gift-giving may seem like a "naughty" thing to do, but psychologists actually recommend it."It can get way out of hand if you don’t, in some cases—not just for the giver but also the receiver," states Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., a psychologist with Balanced Awakening. "Everyone involved benefits when there are pre-established boundaries, including having lower stress levels and feeling more positive feelings in connection with others."How you set boundaries around gift-giving matters, though. You don't want to give off bah humbug vibes. Psychologists share tips for how to set boundaries around gift-giving without sounding rude to help you Scrooge-proof your approach.Related: Psychologists Say These 12 ‘Nice’ Habits Actually Cause More Holiday Stress

Why Psychologists Recommend Setting Boundaries Around Gift Giving

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Let's start with a pep talk: "Setting boundaries or limits is not about being cheap but rather about protecting one’s emotional well-being and ensuring that gift-giving is meaningful and intentional," says Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.It might seem like you're about to set a match on your relationship, but another psychologist says that setting boundaries around gift-giving is actually protective."It protects your close relationships from the strain of unspoken, mismatched expectations," saysDr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the chief psychological officer with recovered.org. "In some families, boundaries may be needed to protect your children from developing an entitled overindulgence through the generosity of grandparents."She says that boundary-setting can also help kids develop realistic expectations around the holiday, protecting them from disappointment and you from the financial strain of having to go above and beyond your available budget every year to one-up or at least match the previous holiday season.However, you can overdo it financially on someone of any age, and it can snowball and harm relationships with the loved ones you really want to connect with during the holidays."If there are no boundaries set, generosity can quickly turn into obligation, overspending and resentment," Dr. Saidi says.Related: Psychologists Warn: These 9 Common Family Habits Make Holiday Stress So Much Worse

While it's less romantic than visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, Dr. Yang shares that thinking about how you want gift-giving to go can make the holiday season less of a nightmare. Ask yourself: How do I want to use my resources? "You could decide that you’re going to create a story about how 'this year we’re focusing on travel savings' or 'we’re doing a low waste holiday,'" she notes. "If you present your gift-giving boundaries as part of a larger narrative that makes sense in the context of you and your life, people are more likely to understand and not feel defensive or hurt with whatever you choose when it comes to gift-giving." 

2. Adjust your mindset

Setting boundaries around gift giving can feel rather ick. However, Dr. Yang says it's super-important to remember that others will often feel good about your gift-giving choices if you do, too. "If you present your gift-giving boundaries in a way that demonstrates that you feel insecure, afraid or self-conscious about your decision, others are more likely to pick up on that," she shares.That doesn't mean you can't feel negatively about your boundaries at first—in fact, Dr. Yang suggests giving yourself permission to feel all the things. Then? Move on to step three.Related: A Parenting Expert Is Begging Moms and Dads To Stop Doing This 1 Common Thing During the Holiday Season

Lists aren't just for Santa and planning. Dr. Yang shares that writing out why you're setting boundaries around gift-giving can help you feel good about your choices. "Make a list of all of the pros for you in making this decision," she recommends. "Boost your own confidence in your decision before you talk to anyone else." 

4. Start early

Don't wait too long to let people know your boundaries. Dr. Vinall shares that it's best to set limits on the number and/or value of gifts. Otherwise, kids (and adults, frankly) might start crafting elaborate wish lists or friends and family members might start sending gifts to your home.

The holidays are loaded in general, and discussing gifts can take things to the next level, especially if finances are wrapped up in your need for boundaries. However, Dr. Vinall emphasizes it's crucial to be clear about your limits."Vague preferences lead to exasperation on all sides," she says.For instance, she suggests setting a narrow spending range rather than telling extended family "not to spend too much on gifts." You can also tell kids in advance to prepare wish lists, with the understanding that they will only receive X items or gifts under a certain amount of money. Dr. Vinall says this approach is more straightforward than a vague phrase like "we're going to have a simpler Christmas or Hanukkah this year."Related: 40+ Holiday Food and Drink Gifts for Everyone On Your List

6. Be specific

If there are specific gifts or gift categories in your "no-fly zone," Dr. Vinall advises naming them in advance. For example, you might tell people you're trying to avoid kids' toys that require batteries, anything that increases screen time or high-sugar treats.

Dr. Yang is a big fan of clear, specific and assertive communication. However, one way to keep gift-giving boundaries from coming off as rude is to mix in communication that feels good. She says this might look like saying, "I’m not doing gifts this year, but I’d love to bake something special for everyone.”"In this way, you are being clear in terms of your gift-giving boundary... but that no is softened when you offer an alternative that still feels good to everyone," she shares.Dr. Saidi agrees, adding that boundaries "feel gentler when they come with options," such as homemade cards instead of the trendiest item of the season.

Related: Best Gifts for Men Who Have Everything

8. Be consistent

One way to avoid holiday drama, especially around gift-giving expectations, is to set the same boundaries for each "equivalent" family member (for example, two adult kids). Dr. Vinall says consistency can help prevent hurt or misunderstanding."If you tell your son not to buy you anything this year, tell your daughter that as well," she shares. "If you tell your parents not to buy more than two gifts per child, tell your in-laws the same."

This one gives you a chance to give loved ones a peek into the vision you cast in the first step for setting boundaries around gift-giving without sounding rude (or into the overall reality of your situation)."When boundaries are tied to values, such as simplicity, financial stability or wanting more quality time, they feel less like rejection," Dr. Saidi says.For instance, she says that you might let people know, “We are actually prioritizing experiences over material items this year, so let’s try to keep gifts smaller.” This expresses communication rather than distance.

10. Let go of guilt if others choose differently

You can set the clearest, kindest and most specific boundaries in the world, and someone still may do something else. Remember, you can only control yourself."Boundaries can be stressful if you start to feel responsible for others," Dr. Saidi warns. "You can set your own limit clearly and kindly, but it is ultimately up to others how they feel about it."If someone oversteps, she suggests remaining level-headed—kind, even—especially if the person likely meant well."Staying consistent and warm reinforces that you are not rejecting them but rather protecting your own peace and financial resources," Dr. Saidi explains.Up Next:

Related: 60 Cheery, Heartfelt Ways To Sign a Christmas Card This Holiday Season

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