DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a student who says he is mildly autistic. He is eager and engaging in class — almost too much so. He raises his hand every time there’s an opportunity, often before I have been able to complete a thought.
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I know he likes my class and appreciates that I talk to him a lot and let him participate fully, but he is becoming a distraction to the rest of the class.
Also, he has not given me any formal paperwork that provides for accommodations, which is required at our college. Still, I know he is different and have worked hard to support him.
— Creating Boundaries
DEAR CREATING BOUNDARIES: Speak to this student privately. Commend him for being so actively involved in class as you point out that it is also important for him to give other students a chance to participate. Tell him that you cannot call on him every time he raises his hand.
Moreover, he should not raise his hand for every question. Explain that it is good manners and thoughtful to allow space for other students to be able to raise their hands and be part of the conversation.
It might be helpful to have this conversation with his academic adviser as well. That person may be able to reach your student and will have more information about any accommodations he may need.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started dating someone who’s great in almost every way, but there’s one issue that’s starting to bother me: He’s constantly on his phone when we’re together.
Whether we’re out to dinner or watching a movie, he’s always scrolling through social media or checking work emails. When I bring it up, he insists he’s just multitasking and that it’s not a big deal.
I don’t want to seem needy or controlling, but it makes me feel like he’s not fully present when we spend time together.
I really like this guy, but I’m starting to wonder if this behavior is a red flag or just a bad habit.
How do I talk to him about this without sounding like I’m overreacting? Sometimes I’ll even pause mid-conversation to see if he notices, and he rarely does. I’ve tried putting away my own phone to set an example, but it doesn’t seem to help.
I miss having meaningful, uninterrupted time with him, especially since our schedules are so busy. I’m worried that if this keeps up, I’ll start to feel emotionally disconnected even though we’re spending time together.
— Distracted
DEAR DISTRACTED: Electronics, especially cellphones, can be huge distractions for people in all aspects of their lives, including personal relationships.
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In order to get your boyfriend to take you seriously and consider separating from his phone — at least sometimes — you have to take drastic measures.
Ask your boyfriend to agree on times when your cellphones go in a bowl in the other room on silent. Point out what you have observed about him, and remind him how frustrating it is for you. If he refuses, you may need to call him out or keep track of each time he disconnects from you so he can see how frequent it is.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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