Jeff Bezos’s ex-wife MacKenzie Scott and I have something in common. We were both 48 when our marriages came to an end after two decades. MacKenzie walked away with $38 billion, while I am yet to officially divorce, and will simply walk away with good memories and three children.
We are two of a growing number of women who find themselves single in mid-life. It’s good news for us, as, according to a new report, a third of divorced women say they feel the happiest they’ve ever been.
The big question for anyone who’s contemplating the end of a long-term relationship is: Would I be happier without them? I’ve been separated from my husband for a year, and yes, I’d say I’m pretty happy. Being single in your 40s – after you’ve had children and with perimenopause kicking in – brings a special sense of freedom. We’ve been there, done that. We had careers and found husbands in our early 20s, procreated in our 30s, and now we’re out the other side. Now it’s time for us. No wonder it feels like – how to put this? – less f***s are given. We have nothing more to prove.
The new report by Survation surveyed 2,000 women aged 45-65. Of those, 220 were divorcees, and 31 per cent of those divorcees reported they were happier than they had ever been. I don’t want to over-egg this rather small report, but it chimes with my experience and that of other women I’ve met. With divorce losing its stigma, growing numbers of older women are choosing this path. According to the Office for National Statistics, between 2005 and 2015, the number of men divorcing aged 65 and over went up by 23 per cent and the number of women of the same age divorcing increased by 38 per cent.
Happiness at different stages in life is hard to compare. I’m happy now, yes, but I’m fortunate to have had a very happy life. I was extremely happy when I was 23 and had a cool job in London, with a disposable income and lavish 2000s fashion lifestyle. I was also happy when I had my children – especially the pregnancy and newborn bits, where I had unbridled expectant joy. I was also happily married for a long time. My husband and I were true besties, a great team, back in the day.
There are things I need to iron out in my life. Money, for instance. Paying my mortgage and bills solo, post-separation, is truly hard – I preferred it when I was sharing the load. Also, I’m not sure if I can keep my house because of the money issue. Those things mean I’m not at peak happiness right this second.
Mackenzie Scott and Jeff Bezos, who divorced after 25 years (Photo: Getty)My children remain my greatest achievement. Their faces, and company, make me happy. I’m a newspaper columnist and I’ve nearly finished my novel. Big sources of happiness. Ditto, big tick to my amazing friendship group. Happy social life equals happy days. I find pockets of happiness every day.
Maybe we know how to notice these things more at this age. But the other wonderful thing about separating at 48 is that I have a confidence in myself that I didn’t have when I was younger. In my 20s, I often worried I’d never have children or be able to get on the property ladder. Now that stress is gone – and, living independently after a 25-year relationship, I feel unshackled from the expectations placed on women.
My home is like a mothership. It’s nurturing and non-judgemental. I was never big on housework, but now, if I leave the dishes in a pile rather than washing them up before bed, nobody cares. I don’t get sighed at for not cleaning the kitchen sink, or for not emptying the dishwasher. There is no passive aggressiveness or niggling about who does what.
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Studies consistently show that after divorce, women do less housework and men do more. It’s liberating to have one less person to think about. There are fewer clothes to wash, less food to buy. The children and I are chilled in each other’s presence; we let each other have easy lives. Without the presence of a man, the energy changes. It feels nesty and calm.
Not having another adult around, noticing or judging my habits, is a big thing, too. At times in our relationship, I felt I needed to work out more, or I felt my ex was keeping a tally of how much wine I drank. I’m not sure if he was, but the pressure was there as background noise. Right now, I’m happy in my own skin. I do weights, I feel I’m fit and healthy – I don’t mind my squishy 48-year-old mother-of-three body.
So I’m in no rush to meet someone else. I don’t feel desperate to date, though I know there are thousands of men on dating apps, should I choose to log on. I feel whoever gets to spend time with me is fortunate, and not the other way around. Ask me again in a few years how happy I am, but it will probably be a similar answer. I feel happiness is a daily goal. We can find happiness in the smallest of moments, whatever our marital status.
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