DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom passed a few weeks ago. We had been estranged for years.
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While in the U.S., my mom and dad had my younger brother. He and I have never been close, but after losing our mom, we have been interacting way more than ever before.
He introduced me to his girlfriend — apparently, she was with our mom the day before she passed. In an emotional moment, she mentioned that in their last conversations, my mom said she’d love for her and my brother to get serious. She claims my mom said, “I want you to be my daughter.”
I don’t think my brother’s girlfriend meant any harm telling me this story, but it stung. I feel so bruised knowing that we never really had a healthy mother-daughter dynamic.
How can I let this go knowing that I won’t ever be able to change it?
— Missing Mom
DEAR MISSING MOM: Though your mother is gone, you can still seek closure with her.
Write her a letter expressing the array of emotions that you feel about her. Recall your early experiences, like when she left you in your home country and how that made you guarded when she did send for you. Recount what your life was like growing up and how you felt about her. Apologize for not being closer to her.
You may even want to give your blessing for her relationship with your brother’s girlfriend. While it would have been nice for you to be close to her, it’s good that she had a daughter figure in her life.
Forgive yourself and her for all the pain that existed between you. You can pray over the note, burn it as a sign of release and do your best to move on, remembering the good that you experienced with your mom.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have been married for 12 years now. I was single for a long time, and when I met her, she had teenage twins. When we got married, they moved into my home, and I treated her children as my own.
I helped them purchase their first cars, paid rent for their first apartments and put them through college. There is no cap on giving when it comes to being a parent, but sometimes it feels like my wife wants me to prove my love with my checkbook.
I am gearing up to retire, and she asked if I would be willing to give the girls monthly stipends from my retirement income. They both work full-time, and I haven’t even retired yet!
I don’t want it to seem like I won’t spend for them, but I also don’t want to feel guilty if I disagree with this adult allowance. How can I get my wife on the same page?
— Setting Boundaries
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Tell your wife that it’s important for adult children to become independent. That means it’s time for them to pay for their own lives. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them; it means you are helping to set them up for success.
Also, you and your wife need your retirement income to take care of yourselves.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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