DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance and I dated for a little while in high school and rekindled after college. About a year ago, he proposed to me, and I said yes.
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After I moved in, he became a lot more vocal about his expectations of me as a wife. He’s no longer the sweet, romantic guy I dated over the years.
His idea of chivalry is telling me that I have no need for male friends because he’s the only man I need. His idea of romance is reminding me that I am his “forever and always.” He has become so strict that I’m shocked.
There’s no room for me back at my parents’, and honestly, I’m a bit concerned how he’d react if I were to break off the engagement. What should I do?
— Trapped
DEAR TRAPPED: Count your blessings that you are seeing his true colors before you walk down the aisle. You absolutely should not marry someone who is treating you this way.
Now is the time to make a plan. Save your money. Look for a new place to live that you can afford. Set yourself up before you break the news that you are leaving. Because he is so controlling, he may react poorly.
For your safety, try to move your things out when he isn’t home. Once you’ve done that, meet him for dinner somewhere, let him know it’s over and give him the keys. This may seem harsh, but it is a safe way to leave.
Do not meet him in private, no matter how strongly he suggests it.
If it seems like he may become violent, you can always call the police and request a civil standby to have an officer present while you move your things.
DEAR HARRIETTE: When my wife and I got married, we had some clear financial goals: pay down student loans, purchase another car, purchase our first home.
At the time, neither of us had high salaries, but we were determined, so we saved a lot and were selective with our spending.
Now that we’ve checked all those boxes, my wife seems to have completely forgotten the importance of budgeting and frugality. Though we both have much better jobs now, we still have a mortgage to pay, not to mention the volatile economy we’re up against. Sometimes she makes large purchases — furniture, handbags, vacations — without even floating it past me first.
I think it’s irresponsible and selfish for her to be so careless with our earnings, but maybe my delivery has been wrong. We’ve been drifting apart, and I can’t stand the thought of money being our biggest downfall.
What can I say to my wife that will get my point across without insulting her or controlling her?
— Root of All Evil
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Miss Manners: They mistake me for this other person, then act like I’m trying to trick them Dear Abby: My husband doesn’t know why I can’t stand his sister Asking Eric: I’d rather not see bushy nose hair at my holiday table Harriette Cole: I sometimes give this guy money, so shouldn’t he listen when I need to talk? Miss Manners: I got stuck with a huge wine bill for somebody else’s dinnerDEAR ROOT OF ALL EVIL: Invite your wife to a strategy session for the future. Remind her of how frugal you two were in the early days. Ask her to think about the years ahead and what you need to do to prepare for them.
Talk about your retirement funds, how long you think you will continue to work and what resources you need. Suggest that you both cut back on spending to ensure that you have enough money for your later years.
Get her to agree on an amount each of you will contribute to joint expenses and savings each month, and try not to worry about what she does with the remainder of her own paycheck.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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