Millennials may have taken over Boomers as the largest living generation in 2020, according to the Pew Research Center. However, there are still millions of adults born between 1948 and 1964 in the United States. The generation has a ton going for it—members are still valued members of the workforce, doting grandparents, family historians and tradition-keepers—plus, critical advisors to their adult kids.Yet psychologists say some Boomer habits are best broken."Their communication styles can sometimes clash with the more emotionally aware styles of younger generations," points out Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist.Younger generations may even feel gaslit by some Boomers' mentality.Now, importantly: Not all Boomers hold certain habits, and people of other generations may do many of the things psychologists discuss below. However, they note that some aspects of Boomers' upbringings—such as cultural norms and events—put them at greater risk of developing these habits. Self-awareness can help people break these habits and build meaningful, genuine relationships with family and friends across generations.To help, psychologists share 10 old-school Boomer habits that can come across as gaslighting. They also share ways to put these habits behind you and break the gaslighting cycle.Related: 9 Things Boomers Do That Drive Their Adult Children Away, Psychologists Reveal
Boomers are people born between 1948 and 1964. They were born after World War II, explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor."This generation receives their name based on the ‘baby boom’ that occurred once soldiers returned home and birth rates significantly increased," Dr. Goldman says. "We tend to think of Boomers as specific to the U.S. because that is where the term originated, but there were increases in birth rates in many other countries as well, making Boomers a worldwide phenomenon."In the U.S., she says Boomers were raised under certain norms, such as:
Again, not all Boomers were raised with these norms. Also, some have evolved, such as becoming allies of the LGBTQ+ community. However, these generalizations are relatable to many in the generation.Related: 8 Things Most Boomers Experienced as Kids That Made Them More Resilient Than Other Generations, Psychologists Say
What Is Gaslighting?
"Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse designed to erode trust in your senses and intuition with the aim of psychological control and manipulation," says Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the chief psychological officer with Recovered.org. "It may take the form of denial of facts that are plain to see, clinging to ridiculous stories and overwhelming you with a firehose of lies."That definition may seem harsher than expected, especially if you've seen the term used repeatedly on social media. Psychologists say that gaslighting has been misused as it becomes more prevalent on the internet."[It] is being used colloquially as a way of saying, 'Stop telling me how I feel is invalid,'" Dr. Goldman notes. "While being emotionally invalidated is wrong, one-off instances of being invalidated are not equivalent to true gaslighting. True gaslighting is a repetitive behavior that leads people to be unaware of their reality or unaware of their emotions."Related: The #1 Thing Baby Boomers Bring Up in Therapy, According to Licensed Therapists
10 Common Gaslighting Habits of Boomers, According to Psychologists
Perseverance is a core value for Boomers, which has significant pros and cons. "While that is an important value, Boomers are often in the mindset that if you quit, it is a weakness or if you 'move on' you did not give it your all," Dr. Goldman points out. "However, it is possible that moving on is the healthier option."Also, not for nothing: "It is not necessarily up to the Boomer to judge the decision of someone else," she stresses. "The insistence that younger generations are 'weak' for their choices... can be a manipulative approach."She warns that it can cause someone to second-guess their reality, asking questions like, "Was it really as bad as I made it out to be?"Related: 10 Manipulative Tactics Straight Out of a Gaslighter’s Playbook, According to Psychologists
2. A 'work-harder' mindset
This one can overlap with the "never quit" mantra."One of the hallmark values of the Boomer generation is their hard work and dedication," Dr. Goldman explains. "When younger generations do not have that same mindset, Boomers often judge and negatively evaluate the person as 'lazy' or lacking ambition."However, says that repeatedly telling a younger person that they'll reach their goals if they work harder is often gaslighting."Someone can start to have negative beliefs about themselves, feel that their choices are incorrect and that they should be doing things differently," she says. "That is a subtle form of manipulation if heard over time and can impact someone’s relationship with self."
This one is a common phrase uttered by people of any age who gaslight. However, Dr. Vinall warns Boomers may be especially inclined ot make a habit of using it."Raised by a generation with different guiding principles for child-rearing and too often by parents [reared] from untreated war trauma, Boomers are less likely to have experienced the nurturance and sensitivity that is fortunately becoming more common in parent-child dynamics today," she explains. "This makes it tempting for Boomers to react to your emotional awareness and appropriate boundaries with a dismissing accusation of being 'too sensitive.'"Real talk to people on the receiving end of this one: "Your sensitivity is not the problem, though; their inability to match it is," she shares.Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4. Stigmatizing mental health
Dr. Goldman emphasizes that this is an unfortunate product of the norms of Boomers' childhoods—and it harms them too. "Boomers were not intending to ignore mental health, but it was simply not discussed or considered," she explains. "There was no such concept as a work-life balance, which many younger generations strive to obtain."Younger generations are flipping the script and breaking the stigma about mental health."This discrepancy between generations might lead to many invalidating comments from Boomers, such as, 'I was never happy, but I just kept going,'" Dr. Vinall explains. "These types of comments can be perceived as invalidating and harmful, especially if heard over time." Related: 7 Signs of ‘High-Functioning Depression,’ According to a Columbia-Trained Psychiatrist
Younger generations may be writing a new story about seeking mental health help. However, Dr. Schiff warns that Boomers may be focused on re-scripting a different narrative: The past, such as the harmful tactics they used while raising their now-adult kids."Rewriting past events to avoid conflict can come across as gaslighting because it undermines the other person's recollection," Dr. Schiff explains. "They may sometimes use selective memory just to maintain the peace or de-escalate tension by saying something like, 'That's not how it happened.'"
6. Romanticizing the past
Some Boomers may not want to rewrite history because they adore talking about how spectacular it was. These conversations often have a wistful-meets-shaming tone."Boomers often romanticize the past with lines such as, 'Back in my day,'" Dr. Vinall points out. "Such comparisons fail to account for or recognize the complex ways the world, mores and economy have shifted, making their experiences apples-to-oranges comparisons that gaslight your lived experience of today's challenges."Related: 8 Things Most Boomers Experienced as Kids That Made Them More Resilient Than Other Generations, Psychologists Say
This one is getting a flashing disclaimer of "Not all Boomers...""Boomers were raised with traditional values," Dr. Goldman says. "Some Boomers have worked very hard to change with the times."However, she notes that other members of the generation are more set in their ways and struggle to accept non-traditional-to-them decisions."Some Boomers might make comments that can be perceived as gaslighting, which are rooted in a lack of acceptance," she shares. "For example, a Boomer might comment about a stay-at-home Dad with a negative lens, as it is nontraditional."
8. Misery Olympics
They say misery loves company. Yet, some Boomers want the gold-medal spot on the Misery Olympics podium all to themselves. They may imply or directly say, "I had it worse," to every complaint from a younger person."Boomers tend to compare their upbringing to that of younger generations, with the implication that their struggles were more challenging or worse," Dr. Goldman says. "While they might not say it directly—though some boomers will—they are invalidating the struggles younger generations face today."She notes that it can veer into these Boomer habits, which becomes gaslighting when folks in younger generations repeatedly walk away from these interactions feeling that their emotions are not valid.Related: 10 Ways To Become Someone Who Avoids Negativity, According to Psychologists
"Respect is earned" has a different standard for Boomers. While younger generations may view respect as something earned on merit, many Boomers may feel they deserve it simply because of their age. Again, this one stems from their upbringing. "Respect is one of the most important values of the Boomer generation, specifically respect for authority or elders," Dr. Goldman notes. "Even in conflict, the expectation is that the younger person should be respectful and honor the older person."However, she reveals that this habitual mentality can feel like a misuse of power and gaslighting to younger generations.Dr. Schiff agrees, reporting that Boomers may use lines like, "I know best" or "You'll understand when you're older." She says it can make people feel dismissed, invalidated and even patronized.Related: 14 Tiny Behavior Tweaks That Make People Respect You More, According to Psychologists
10. Sweeping generalizations
No generation wants to feel boxed into stereotypes, especially engaging ones (hence the disclaimers in this story). However, psychologists note that Boomers may also engage in these generalizations."[It] is a common refrain of older folks who lump entire generations under one negative stereotype," Dr. Vinall notes. "It discounts and denies the rich variety of lived experiences... creating emotional distance."Related: 7 Ways To Stay Close With Adult Children Without Being Overbearing
Self-reflection can bolster self-awareness around how habits may gaslight younger generations. Dr. Goldman shares that prompts to help you during this reflection include:
When do I most often engage in this type of behavior? What triggers me to make comments or behave in a certain way? Even though I might not intend to be harmful, do I understand the impact my behaviors have on others? Why do I want to change this behavior?2. Start small
So many of these habits are deep-seated and the product of long-held cultural norms. They can take a while to break, and Dr. Goldman shares that it's essential to start small and set specific goals for change."Do not make a goal, 'I will stop all invalidating comments,' because that is very difficult to do," she emphasizes. "Instead, make a goal, 'I will no longer invalidate my daughter around her choices to quit her job.'"Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Dr. Goldman recommends adding new habits and phrases to your rotation, such as changing a negative statement into a neutral or positive one."This way, when the instance comes when an invalidating comment might be made, say the replacement comment instead," she shares.For instance, she notes that this reaction to an adult child leaving a job is harmful: "I can't believe you quit a good job. I never would've done that, and I thought I'd raised you better. What were you thinking?"Instead, she recommends using a genuine tone to say something like, "You know what is best for you. Even if it is difficult for a while, I trust you to know what is right.”
4. Practice listening
As the experienced elder in the room, it's tempting to try to drop knowledge left and right. As well-meaning as it is, Dr. Vinall shares that Boomers can make significant impacts by listening before they talk. "While you have a wealth of lived experience and stories to share, balance it with listening to the insights of younger generations, as well, recognizing that they, too, have valuable insights to share," she explains.Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
5. Ask for help or feedback
Humility fosters genuine relationships at every age and stage."If you are aware you are causing friction with others in your interactions and might be coming across as gaslighting, try naming it and humbly asking for a nudge when you stray into that territory," Dr. Vinall reports. "This can feel hard, but it may pay significant dividends in cultivating the closeness you desire."Up Next:
Related: 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Sources:
"Millennials overtake Baby Boomers as America’s largest generation." Pew Research.Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, is the chief psychological officer with Recovered.org.Hence then, the article about 10 old school boomer habits that can come across as gaslighting according to psychologists was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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