DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered what looked like a batch of pruned vines in my backyard. There is some ivy that grows on the walls shared by several of us in proximity, and it appears the neighbors behind us cut the pieces that were hanging in their yard and tossed them over into ours.
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By the way, this neighbor also drilled a foot-high eyebolt (to support patio lights) into the shared block wall without mentioning it or otherwise considering us. Sadly, this course of action is just another example how neighborly etiquette has gone out the window.
GENTLE READER: You mention the eyebolt in passing, but it is at the root of the problem. Too many homeowners, if asked why they did not approach a neighbor about a planned improvement, exaggerate reasonable amounts of selfishness and fear into worst-case scenarios.
“It’s really not up to them what color curtains I have” becomes “I have an absolute right to do what I want with my house,” while “I’d rather not be yelled at by someone I barely know” becomes “What if they have a gun?”
But the link between not talking to the neighbors and the breakdown in civility is cause and effect. Why be considerate of someone you barely know?
Miss Manners’ solution would be to find an excuse to do one or two things that require minimal effort, but are neighborly, such as turning over mail meant for them, but misdelivered to you, in person — rather than throwing it at the window as you leave the driveway.
These days, such things are so unexpected they should make your neighbor think twice next time they are pruning the vines.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a difference of opinion about emails sent from “do not reply” addresses.
I say that, in principle, they display poor manners. They are akin to saying something to somebody and then putting your hands over your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” (like children do).
Now, I understand why a business or nonprofit (or scammer or spammer) would want to send out thousands of emails without accepting replies, which they might be obligated to respond to.
But I say if you start a dialogue by sending me an email, then you should be ready to continue the dialogue by letting me reply.
GENTLE READER: The reason you cite — not having to monitor responses to automated, bulk, commercial emails — is indeed why “do not reply” email addresses were invented.
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Why did FedEx charge me $1,237 to ship luggage it couldn’t deliver? Asking Eric: If I report my neighbor, he’ll know it was me Harriette Cole: My friend’s weight loss worries me. Can I ask what’s going on? Miss Manners: Is it wrong to warn a foolish stranger about theft risks? Dear Abby: I’m still bothered by a lie my boyfriend told years agoMiss Manners notes this because she finds that new technology requires new etiquette much less frequently than technophiles imagine. The pre-internet equivalent is the sign on the company warehouse that reads, “This is the company’s central shipping facility. If you are looking for retail sales or customer service, please call this number.”
If there are limitations on the sender’s ability to respond, it is not rude to say so, so long as they provide alternative means. But you should certainly object if your wife proposes to hang such a sign on the front door.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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