Sabrina Carpenter is a tidy 5′ tall. Which might explain why she’s looking for a sky high king in a sketch that got cut from her hosting/performing stint on Saturday Night Live last weekend. The “Tall, Plain Boyfriend” bit starts out with Carpenter on a date with new cast member Jeremy Culhane, who is just boring her to tears with his dumb stories.
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After faking a laugh, Carpenter looks to camera and admits, “Dating can be tough. Some guys try to hard to be funny or interesting. Especially the little ones.” Cut to Culhane doing lame bits with chopsticks as walrus teeth.
“It feels like they’re doing the most. But sometimes, you just want less. So that’s why I switched to Tall, Plain Boyfriend,” she says with a smile, walking over to a towering box, whose cover she removes to reveal vanilla vision Ben Marshall, who recently got bumped up from his gig as part of the Please Don’t Destroy digital short trio to featured cast member.
“No drama, no personality, just a long body with hair on head,” she says. “All the girlies will be jealous.” Asked what he does for a living, Carpenter brags that her beloved tall stack is “6’5″” and that’s all he needs to do. As for where he grew up, well, see previous. His name? Who cares, did she mention that he’s 6’5″?
The best part? Tall, Plain Boyfriend comes with some of the best “lukewarm” takes about everything. Sleeping? “Feels so good when you’re tired.” Life? It’s crazy, but “dogs are so fun,” right? And you know it, opening presents on Christmas is, like, “the best!”
“Because if you need a deep conversation, b–ch, listen to a podcast!,” Carpenter advises as she cuts to other satisfied girlfriends whose boyfriends don’t even know what they do. “Does Tall, Plain Boyfriend have a perfect face?” Carpenter wonders of the partner who comes pre-loaded with bland empathetic phrases like “that sucks!” and “that’s crazy” and, of course, “that’s crazy how much that sucks. “Girl, I can barely see up there! That’s none of my business,” she enthuses.
“He might not make you laugh or think, but he will make you feel tiny,” Carpenter promises..
Carpenter had a full night last Saturday, performing her Billboard Hot 100 chart-topping Man’s Best Friend single “Manchild” on a bedroom set wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and pink SNL underwear. She returned later in a bedazzled karate gi and black belt for a dojo-themed performance of “Nobody’s Son,” during which she dropped two f-bombs live on air while breaking boards and taking out fellow black belts.
Her first hosting gig — she was previously the musical guest in May 2024 — also included some memorable sketches, including “Girlboss Seminar,” a cold open featuring new fan favorite “Domingo,” the school dance “Grind Song” short and the NSFW “Shop TV: Pillow” sketch about a way-too anatomically correct neck pillow.
Watch Tall, Plain Boyfriend here.
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