Psychologists Reveal the 1 Trick Gaslighters Use To Keep You Hooked ...Saudi Arabia

You may be more aware of the term "gaslighting" these days—it's seemingly the subject of thousands of Instagram infographics and TikTok videos. While the term is often misused, it is a very real thing, and it's a form of manipulation and, at its worst, abuse. That's why psychologists agree that understanding what it actually is, along with common strategies used by gaslighters, is a good idea."Gaslighting is essentially a type of emotional manipulation where someone makes you doubt your own memory, perception and in some cases, sanity," explains Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks. "It is extremely harmful because it basically steals your sense of reality. Over time, it can damage your confidence and make you feel dependent on the person who is doing the gaslighting."You might not bethe anti-hero of this saga, but it is important that you save yourself. To help you do so, Parade spoke with Dr. Saidi and three other psychologists who reveal the number one trick gaslighters use to get you hooked, a few other manipulation strategies they employ and their top tip for reclaiming your sense of reality. Even if you can't cut this gaslighter out of your life, learning what tricks they might have in their arsenal is useful to stopping the manipulation (or at least in helping you not fall victim to it). Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists

Gaslighters can do some nasty things and be very cruel, of course. But their top trick for keeping you hooked includes being sour... then sweet."A top trick a gaslighter may use to keep you hooked is alternating cruelty with kindness," shares Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "They may criticize or belittle you one moment and then shower you with affection or validation the next."Dr. Saidi agrees, referring to this common gaslighting tactic as "intermittent validation.""It's basically hot and cold behavior," she explains. "Think: Showering you with love, compliments and attention, and then suddenly pulling away or ignoring you."Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists

Why This Gaslighting Trick Is So Harmful

Gaslighters take a page out of Jekyll and Hyde's book—being kind to you one moment and horrible to you the next—in a deliberate attempt to deliver plot twist after plot twist that keeps you coming back for more."It confuses your sense of what's normal in a relationship," Dr. Schiff says. "This trick is sneaky and effective because the inconsistency keeps you off balance. There is a push-pull dynamic that creates emotional dependence."In many ways, the whiplash essentially makes your brain feel like you took it to Las Vegas and left it there."Just like a slot machine, the unpredictability keeps you on the hook, essentially creating an addictive loop," Dr. Saidi says. "This type of behavior keeps you chasing the 'high' of their approval and makes you keep wondering what you did wrong to get back the original, kind version of them."The warped sense of reality extends to how you view your role in the relationship."You end up blaming yourself and believing that if you keep trying, you will get that original, kind version of them back," she says.Related: If You Answer Yes to These 7 Questions, You Were Likely Raised by a Gaslighter

When gaslighters are in "kind mode," they may shower you with grand gestures. One psychologist shares that the aim here is to slowly, surely and subtly push you to put them on a pedestal. "Then they begin to challenge and question you, suggesting your memory is fallible, your emotions are excessive and unreliable or your mental health is unwell," says Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the Chief Psychological Officer with Recovered.org and the author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse.Troublingly, gaslighters often charm the pants off of your people, giving themselves another layer of protection against questions, comments and concerns."The gaslighter reduces those who might believe you if you were to reach out for support, keeping you isolated and under their control," she warns.Unfortunately, it's all a facade."While at first glance it may look like consideration with grand gestures or apparent generosity, every move is calculated to improve the gaslighter’s outward appearance and social control," she shares.Related: How To Deal With a Narcissist, According to a Psychologist

2. Bashing people close to you

Gaslighters can use similar tactics on the people in your inner circle—charming them and then badmouthing them. "Gaslighters want you to rely on them, whether or not they will actually show up for you," Dr. Leno warns.Dr. Schiff also sees this gaslighting trick in relationships."They will subtly discourage or undermine your other relationships, attempting to isolate you," she explains. "This way, you lose outside perspectives, which makes it harder to reality-check what's happening."Related: 4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists

Dr. Leno shares that gaslighters will often find any excuse to point out ways you need to change, disguising it as "well-meaning" and "caring" advice."They might point out a TV character who 'keeps making bad decisions—just like you,'" she reports. "At first, it seems innocent, but it can start to bother you—and for good reason."Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists

4. Making excuses

Dr. Vinall notes that people can start to notice flags in gaslighters. Cue the laundry list of excuses."Excuses keep you hooked by undermining your growing awareness that something is not right," she explains. "These excuses begin to erode your self-confidence through the gap between your observations and the words of someone so charming and trusted."

5. Downplaying your feelings

"You're too sensitive" and "you're overreacting" are default phrases gaslighters use."Instead of validation or empathy, you receive dismissal," Dr. Saidi shares. "Over time, this can make you doubt your own feelings and rely on their version of what is real.Related: 105 Toxic People Quotes To Help Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life

The No. 1 Tip for Dealing With a Gaslighter

"Document your reality," Dr. Schiff says. "Write things down, keep records or conversations and confide in trusted friends."Dr. Vinall agrees, saying that taking notes is one of the best ways to protect yourself from the harms of gaslighting."The goal of the gaslighter is to make you question yourself, and they will never admit to their lies," she shares. "It is up to you, therefore, to keep records and receipts, to review old notes or journal entries, and to talk to others for a 'sanity check' when you start to doubt yourself. Memories may be fallible and prone to manipulation, but your printed data won’t lie."That said, she doesn't recommend using this evidence to engage in a courtroom-like argument with a gaslighter."Don't argue with a gaslighter," Dr. Vinall advises. "It won’t work. Simply state your truth, or note that you see things or remember things differently and move on."Up Next:

Related: 'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?' 8 Common Reasons—and What To Do About It, According to Psychologists

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