Most of my friends are normal humans but I have managed to make, and perhaps even more surprisingly retain, one – just one – from the world of tech.
I do not understand precisely what he does despite his repeated explanations, but whatever it is, it means he is deeply immersed in the land of Silicon Valley. And thus it means that I have just learned about the latest craze among the tech bros and that it is – brace yourselves in at least some minor way, please – “sperm racing”.
O, brave new world.
Many images sprang to mind, not all of them suitable for description in a family newspaper. But the thrust – well, no, let’s call it “brief and semi-palatable explanation” – is this: a billionaire apparently asked 17-year-old entrepreneur Eric Zhu to pitch him his “craziest” idea. Zhu pitched – well – sperm racing.
Samples would be taken from willing volunteers, filtered for their fastest swimmers, and sent in fluid along a microscopic race track while AI tracked them and turned the data into an online animation that could be shown on screen and people could watch without the help of lab equipment.
Now Zhu’s company is valued at $75m (£56m) and the activity and tech is being positioned as a health measure designed to check on and raise awareness of male fertility and its current (steep) decline.
I’m torn. On the one hand, the competitive urge in men, which this literally embodies, needs no encouragement. Nor does the belief that sperm – count or speed – maketh the man.
I would also love to know how much interest and funding a tech sis, which it need hardly be pointed out is not even a phrase, would have garnered if she had come up with the idea of the Menstrual Marathon or Ovular Olympics, especially given that life-wrecking female reproductive conditions can rarely secure medical interest or investment, given that their bits are yucky and gross.
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On the other hand, anything that demystifies male bits – and especially the part they play in fertility problems, for which women are still the seen as the first port of culpability – gets my vote.
Let’s face it, the power of the penis has always been a triumph of marketing. It is otherwise an abiding mystery how something that looks like the last chicken in the shop has gathered and maintained so much reverence and respect over the millennia it’s been around, instead of – oh, I don’t know – the parts in the other people that actually grow entire new people and then successfully push them out into the world. But thoughts for another day.
Sperm Racing is, if not disrespectful, certainly irreverent. It breaks a certain stranglehold. It introduces, perhaps, the possibility that men could learn, if not to be laughed at, then perhaps laugh at themselves – maybe even with each other. To treat themselves with more levity and thus begin to entertain the idea that they and the things they have been told are so important about them, may not be quite so central to their existence after all and that they need not be quite so fearful of challenges to them.
There needs to be more laughing about penises, in essence, because there needs to be less veneration of masculinity and the narrow confines it is currently kept within. Laughter attests to confidence and – in small, inoculative doses – can also create it.
The absolute humourlessness of the manosphere is part and parcel of its toxicity, wholly indicative of the insecurity it thrives on. Let’s try something different now.
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