Asking Eric: Wheelchair user gets no sympathy from caregiver ...Middle East

Dear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around

both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.

My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.

Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.

— Tire’d

Dear Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.

What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.

I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”

Dear Eric: I am the youngest of three sons, and both of my brothers passed away suddenly, with the latest one just three years ago. Now I find myself thrust into the role of executor for my parents who are both about to turn 90. I have conducted significant research on what is needed to be in place both legally and financially and have consulted with friends who also have aging parents.

However, my parents don’t want to talk about these issues, and I am really in the dark on what they have in place. My father handled most of the issues, but now suffers from dementia, so there are a lot of unknowns. Recently I sent them a list of items we should look into — power of attorney, living will, health care proxy, etc.

My mother is overwhelmed with taking care of my father, so I have offered to speak directly with their lawyer and financial planner to lessen her burden, but while they initially seemed receptive, there has been little movement on these tasks.

I don’t want to pressure them, but I am really anxious about this and want to deal with these important decisions while they are still in good health.

— Treading Lightly

Dear Treading: I’m sorry for the losses you’ve experienced and for the complication of this grief-laden moment. Planning for later life with parents is rarely easy, but you’ve taken excellent proactive steps.

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To help lessen the overwhelm you and your parents are feeling, tackle one small task at a time. I’d suggest you start with power of attorney. As you may already be aware, it can be a relatively simple process for which you can tackle most of the paperwork. With their blessing and their signatures, you’ll then be allowed to talk to their lawyer and financial planner, and this will give you a clearer picture of what they’ve already put into place.

Be clear with them about the concerns you have, the questions you need answered and the guidance you’re seeking. They can help you think through next steps for your parents and, hopefully, also take some things off of your plate.

You don’t have to take care of everything, and you don’t have to do everything right now. It’s not going to be perfect; nothing ever is. Don’t listen to any internal voice that says if you miss a to-do item, you’re failing your parents or creating a problem for yourself.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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