9 Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make That Child Psychologists Wish They’d Stop ...Saudi Arabia

Many doting parents and grandparents strive to do right by the children they love. However, sometimes the best-laid plans…don't better a child. Psychologists emphasize that it's essential to understand the common mistakes well-meaning parents and grandparents make, but they concede that it's a touchy subject."The idea of 'parenting blind spots' can be tricky because it acknowledges that we may be using parenting strategies or techniques that are inadvertently doing more harm than good and that we need to consider being open to feedback that we aren't even aware that we need," says Dr. Jessica McCarthy, Psy.D., the founder and clinical director at Elements Psychological Services, LLC.However, the aim of gaining awareness isn't to shame parents and grandparents but rather to offer them a chance to learn and grow alongside the next generation of humans."At the end of the day, every new day of parenting is a day that we've never done before as a parent, regardless of your age or your child's age," Dr. McCarthy emphasizes. "There's room for a lot of grace and compassion in that, as well as mindfulness to the areas that we can maybe find space to consider other ways to approach."Child psychologists help by sharing nine common mistakes that well-meaning moms, dads, grandmas and grandpas make, along with the reasons why they're harmful. If they sound familiar, don't worry—the experts also provide tips for redos, repairs and reconnections.Related: 7 Common Parenting Tactics That Can Actually Hurt Your Kid's Confidence, a Child Psychologist Warns

Honestly? Most people who have cared for a child say this phrase at least once in their lives. One psychologist gets it—it's hard to see kids be upset."However, what we are actually saying when we tell our children 'don’t cry' is to shut down their emotions, that we cannot handle their tears," shares Dr. Ellie Hambly, a UK-based, HCPC-registered clinical psychologist who specializes in child well-being and parenting. "This can then turn into shame about crying...and attempts to suppress our emotions further down the line."Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

2. They assure children, 'It's OK'

This one often comes in the same breath as "Don't cry," especially if a child is anxious."This reassurance may seem harmless, but it is actually dismissing the child’s fears," Dr. Hambly warns. "We are not engaging with what the child feels uncomfortable with, which then allows us to support them through it."Instead, she suggests parents validate emotions so a child feels seen, heard and understood. For instance, a caregiver might tell a child hesitant to run free on an empty playground, "Do you feel scared to go and play by yourself?"Related: Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond

Gentle parenting has become a buzzy term on social media, but it's often misunderstood."Parents want to be endlessly patient," notes Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based child psychologist and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle, Become the Parent You Always Wanted to Be. "They want to explain, reframe and validate. They think if they just explain everything, manage the day and cajole a child into saying 'yes' by gamifying a task, the child will always handle each situation well. Sometimes, kids are going to melt down."Yes, even if you followed the gentle parenting TikTok influencer's step-by-step advice to a T when you reframed "eating broccoli" as "playing dinosaur." Dr. Koslowitz warns that some of the advice out there is setting parents up for failure with unrealistic expectations that all meltdowns are avoidable."Those parents try again and again, and then, they explode," Dr. Koslowitz says. "The child experiences this as unpredictability. I’d much rather see a parent calmly set a boundary and follow through than perform calmness until they boil over. Boundaries can be firm and kind at the same time."Related: 2 ‘Gentle Parenting’ Traps a Developmental Psychologist Is Calling Out

4. Punishing the protest instead of understanding the need

"This is a big one," Dr. Koslowitz says. "A child has a meltdown, and the parent focuses only on the behavior.Think classic lines like, “Don’t use that tone,” or “Go to your room until you can speak nicely.”The goal is to teach children how to function in society, but Dr. Koslowitz says that kids are trying to communicate with their meltdowns."A child who slams a door or shouts isn’t trying to be defiant," she emphasizes. They’re trying to be heard. They’re overwhelmed and don’t yet have the tools to express themselves in a regulated way. That doesn’t mean we let the behavior slide. It means we address the need underneath it."For instance, you might say something like, "I see you’re really disappointed. You were hoping for more screen time. That makes sense. The answer is still no, but I get why you’re upset.”Related: How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist

Remember, kids are kids, not mini-adults."It can be easy for a parent to forget that their view of the world took years to develop, including life lessons, thanks to cultural or generational events and resources available during that time," says Dr. Daniel Huy, Psy.D,a clinical psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center's department of psychiatry and behavioral health services. "A child’s ability to problem-solve or work through a social issue might look very different now, and parents will need to slow down and view the world through the child’s eyes."Related: People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Often Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says

6. Minimize the importance of self-care

Dr. Huy says today's parents likely had perfect attendance certificates hanging on their childhood fridges and came of age scrolling through "rise-and-grind" Instagram captions. Grandparents also grew up in a world where "over-working was regarded as a characteristic of strength.""Although it can be admirable and inspiring to see hard work, the reality is that success cannot be meaningful if it sacrifices the sense of self," Dr. Huy says. "Children can grow to be high achievers with a balance of self-care, and it may lead to a healthier, more adaptive lifestyle when they eventually become independent adults."That means letting them take sick days (and taking them yourself), prioritizing sleep and creating margin.Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Using This One Confidence-Boosting Phrase

Remember what we said about margin? Even though we've rethought hustle culture in the working world, it's still alive and well when it comes to signing kids up for sports. "Gone are the days of playing one sport and being on one team per season, perhaps sprinkled in with a year-round activity such as a music lesson," Dr. McCarthy says.Again, parents have the best of intentions here as they try to help kids find their thing and bolster college prospects, but there are pitfalls."Not only do children and families feel the stress of a packed schedule, but children are missing out on opportunities for learning how to be bored and how to channel creativity through free time," she warns.

8. Posting everything on social media

Yes, your (grand)child is the absolute cutest ever. However, shar-enting has dangers."You could be inadvertently exposing your child and their personal information to people who should not have this information," Dr. McCarthy shares. "Furthermore, children may not have a full understanding of what it means to post on social media, and in many instances, they are not even given a say about how their personal information is permanently being placed on the internet for everyone to see."

It's hard to watch a child fail, just as it's hard to watch them cry (and they may cry if they fail!). However, failure is a part of life."Not everything needs to be a spectacular victory, and the path to meaningful achievement does not always need to be great, amazing or perfect," Dr. Huy explains. "Setbacks are healthy, and when navigated with support, they can help develop resilience, critical thinking and emotional regulation."Related: 10 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say

What To Do if You've Made a Mistake as a Parent or Grandparent

1. Get feedback

It might sound hokey, but Dr. Huy shares there's value in checking in with children."Including children during decision-making and areas to improve upon can develop trust, quality bonding time, communication skills and problem-solving," he points out. "Even though some parents might view their methods to be fool-proof, it can only improve with regular feedback and check-ins with children, especially when children point out factors that parents might not ever consider."Bonus: It gives you a chance to role-model a healthy response to constructive criticism.

Repeat after Dr. Huy: "We are all human, and we all make mistakes.""Parents may self-impose an expectation that they know it all," he says. "Especially for children, their emotional distress or disappointment may elicit thoughts of ineffectiveness when they are not able to 'hold it together' like their parents. Admitting mistakes can provide a chance for children to watch parents problem-solve and cope with the consequences, and the lesson can be long-lasting for children as they age."Related: 9 Common 'Grit Gaslighting' Phrases—and What To Say Instead

3. Reconnect and repair

Let's start with what repair is not: "Repair isn’t about erasing the rupture. It’s about strengthening the bridge between you," Dr. Koslowitz explains. "That’s what builds trust. That’s what builds resilience."Dr. Koslowitz says repair might look like snuggling and reading to a little one and walking or sharing an activity with a teen or tween."You don’t have to keep talking about the mistake—just show them that the relationship still holds," Dr. Koslowitz suggests.

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Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions

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