The Great British Sewing Bee Celebrity Christmas Special is aggressively uncool ...Middle East

Full disclosure: Sewing Bee is not my favourite series. Still, its problems are ameliorated to varying degrees by the annual celebrity special – its three-challenge structure remains immovable, but unambitious designs are less annoying when they’re attempted by genuine amateurs. And generally, famous people are somewhat charismatic so the patter is usually less dreadful than usual, too.

It is in that spirit of hopeful ambivalence that I tuned in to this year’s offering, the line-up comprising EastEnders actress Kellie Bright, comedian Fatiha el-Ghorri, popstar Ian Watkins (better known as H from Steps), and reality star Charlotte Crosby. Blessedly, none had any significant sewing experience – excellent news, for someone who has seen enough competently-made pencil skirts in normal Sewing Bee to last a lifetime.

But while the interminable smugness of the standard programme was interrupted, this celebrity version encountered a different (but equally lethal) problem: aggressive uncoolness.

First up, the contestants made fabric advent calendars. Between Charlotte’s gingerbread man, Kellie’s robin, and H’s sack of presents, no one exactly reinvented Christmas. The closest we came to novelty was Fatiha’s tagine design, a nod to her Moroccan heritage. But spirits were high, and presenter Sarah Pascoe (returning after briefly handing the Sewing Bee reins to Kiell Smith-Bynoe) interjected with regular PG-rated gags: “I am the ghost of Christmas Past! Half your time has passed!”

Coupled with other jolly japes – like H leading everyone in a rendition of Steps’ “5, 6, 7, 8” – this episode reminded me uncomfortably of an end of year assembly, wherein the teachers do a special performance, and the kids shrivel with embarrassment.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch Sewing Bee again

In Australia, we have the perfect word for this kind of well-meaning cringe: “daggy”. Dagginess is about the spirit of uncool behaviour as much as the behaviour itself; akin to “basic” but less self-aware, dagginess involves the misdirected impression that you are in on a joke when you’re definitely not. Look it up – or just watch Celebrity Sewing Bee, daggy to its very core.

H’s calendar was pronounced the winner, and the celebs set to their next task: transforming onesies into children’s Christmas costumes. Charlotte made a star, Kellie a Christmas pudding, Fatiha an ice queen, and H a reindeer. And although she struggled with the task – “why are kids so short??” – Fatiha shone as resident comedian, making me laugh the most by far. “‘I’m going to start drinking, you’ve driven me to it,” she said, as the task came to an end (tell me about it, Fatiha.)

In a celebrity special, does the ranking even matter? All you need to know is that H was in the lead as the contestants settled in for the Made-to-Measure challenge, where they created outfits inspired by their favourite Christmas songs. Charlotte’s sausage roll dress – for 2021’s categorically unlistenable “Sausage Rolls for Everyone” by influencer couple LadBaby, featuring Ed Sheeran and Elton John – was adorable, and Fatiha’s fur trimmed kaftan in honour of East 17’s “Stay Another Day” was characteristically irreverent.

As for H’s Welsh dragon costume (Tom Jones’s “Green Green Grass of Home”), I’m afraid it was the unstylish thing I’ve ever seen. Ultimately, Kellie’s red jumpsuit – complete with detachable heart, for George Michael’s “Last Christmas” – was pronounced the best, and she the overall winner. I hope she’s delighted, because no one will remember her victory: what happened next blew the rest of the episode out of the water, defining dagginess for generations to come.

Much like the proverbial end of year assembly I described earlier, contestants and judges alike were suddenly dancing around in silly costumes as H sung “Merry Christmas Everyone”, and I died of secondhand embarrassment. Turns out that Sewing Bee‘s celeb special is a double-edged sword – less insipidity, but a whole host of new (potentially fatal) uncool problems.

RIP me. Let my legacy be the introduction of the word “daggy” to the British lexicon. In fact, put it in the dictionary with the definition “Sewing Bee”.

‘The Great British Sewing Bee Celebrity Christmas Special’ is streaming on BBC iPlayer

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