Elon Musk—the Tesla CEO most recently in the headlines for spending half a billion dollars to have his ass handed to him in the midterm elections by a blue wave of young progressives and populists whose platforms weirdly did not include any of his pet issues like “starting a race war”—announced that Cybertruck production would be “winding down” on X, a social media platform he bought in 2022 so as to render it absolutely useless for virtually anything except nonconsensual pornography and shitposting.
Visually, the Cybertruck asked and answered pressing questions. Questions like: What if a hammerhead shark were also a microwave? What if the abstract concept of “toxic masculinity” took on a physical form? Can a car be so powerfully off-putting that it makes your wife divorce you? Can a person communicate, solely through their chosen mode of transit, where they were on January 6, 2021?
But even when construction went according to plan, the Cybertruck was destined to be a deathly menace. Safety experts argued that the stainless steel truck was dangerous by design—they didn’t say anything about how it was also really ugly, but I just think that bears repeating: It’s so unbelievably ugly—but Musk, demonstrating his characteristic empathy and concern for his fellow man, assured would-be Cybertruck drivers, “If you have an argument with another car, you will win.” Famously, car crashes have “winners” and “losers” and everyone’s ideal scenario in a car crash is not only to “win” but to also have committed vehicular manslaughter.
Trapping passengers inside its fire-prone vehicles and burning them alive is something of a Tesla specialty, but the particulars of the Cybertruck’s design were even worse than Musk’s average offering. The windows—ironically, given that during a launch event, an attempt to demonstrate the windows’ impenetrability resulted in them shattering onstage—are tougher to break than a standard car window, which is all well and good until you are trying to, say, escape from a burning car when the doors won’t unlock, as was the case in a horrible crash in Piedmont which killed three college students who “asphyxiated in a fire that had exploded at the truck’s front hood after the collision.” A witness who tried to help them was unable to open the car doors, whose electronic buttons weren’t functioning. (There are no door handles on the outside of a Cybertruck.)
The Cybertruck is survived by Musk, whose unconscionable wealth—net worth: $860 billion, give or take—means he has the means to torment us once more with whatever dumb fucking idea he has next, unless someone in our maybe-soon-to-be-functioning government wants to do something about that. Still, it is important to take our wins where we can get them, and watching Musk fail is one such victory. In trying to embody the spirit of Henry Ford, Musk succeeded only philosophically (by being a Nazi) but not practically (by building a functioning automobile).
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