Adoption rates are falling, with recent research from Adoption England and Coram finding that if the current trend continues, only 13 per cent of fostered children will be adopted in 2030.
West Country-based teacher Ed , 38, and his wife Annabel, 36, a music therapist, were struggling to start a family until they pursued adoption. Here, Ed explains how he became a father of three.
My wife Annabel and I met 14 years ago. We always had a desire to have a family. After five miscarriages over five years, we began going to a fertility clinic, but soon both agreed that we wanted to adopt. The decision was a huge relief, and our family were incredibly supportive and excited.
We started the adoption process with Barnardo’s. Over the next six months there were many meetings with a social worker who came to our house to ask about our entire life history.
It tests your relationship – you talk about how you each were brought up and what your expectations around parenting are. But for us, that soul-searching was only a good thing. We were also given training for raising children, especially around how to bring up a baby.
After six months, we were approved, and then came the matching process.
There is an app to match prospective adopting parents with children in need of adoption. It is, unbelievably, like a dating app – it was so brutal, scrolling through page after page of kids. Many were listed as individual kids, because few people are prepared to take siblings. It was so overwhelming to think of all these children in need of a home, but I had to remember the importance of helping where you can.
Annabel and I were originally thinking of just having two kids, but with a four-bedroom house, we figured: what are we saving a spare bedroom for? We agreed on the children that stood out to us. Some initial meetings around one sibling group fell through because of their family circumstances. It was really sad, but we had to bounce back.
We were eventually contacted by someone from Adopt North East who invited us to go to an activity day, with fostered kids, their foster carers and prospective adopters. There are loads of activities and you just mingle. Once we got there, Annabel and I went our separate ways, but we both interacted separately with a group of three siblings. She was jumping up and down on the trampoline with them, making them bounce and giggle. Then I helped build a tower with the two youngest ones, and it was great fun watching them knock it down and laugh.
We decided we wanted to adopt these children – aged five, four and two – and then there were lots more stages: meeting with their social worker, foster carer and the adoption company and getting a profile of the children. All this happened without the kids’ knowledge, in case it didn’t pan out, but each time we left one of these meetings, I felt more confident.
We had to prepare financially – we had been a childfree, double income couple who could spend money on city breaks and eating out all the time. We still lead really comfortable lives, but we rarely do that stuff now. We’ve realised that it was all filling a hole in our lives that our children can fill far better.
When we were finally approved, we felt such joy and excitement. We were also nervous and apprehensive. We spent three weeks in an Airbnb near the kids’ foster carer’s home, so we could go on playdates with them and get to know them. When we told them they’d be coming to live with us, the eldest was really shy, and the middle one just cried. I think she was scared about what this all meant.
They gradually warmed up to us, and two days after Annabel and I went home, they came.
I got a month’s adoption leave; as Annabel was self-employed, she was able to take a year off. So before the older kids were in school, we had this month where we were just in the house together. Social workers continued to visit but in those early days you’re encouraged not to introduce them to too many people, because they’re just getting used to you as a family. We have been surprised at some friends’ reactions – while some were really supportive, others haven’t been around at all.
We applied for an adoption order and the day the judge handed us that certificate, we were surrounded by our family and it was incredible. Receiving gifts sent to our newly formed family, having our Wellington boots all lined up, and celebrating the rituals of birthdays and Christmases really helped bring us together.
We’re really open with the kids about this journey and whenever it comes up we just have a normal conversation, sometimes using a life story book their previous council put together for them. They know exactly who their families are and we update their birth mum regularly on how they’re getting on and show her photos.
At the beginning, we said we’d be the best parents ever, keeping a strict routine, eating vegetables every single day, having an ice cream every two years, no screen time ever for 30 years… but if you want to make God laugh, you tell him your plans. I did beat myself up a lot, in terms of getting stuff wrong and fearing any misstep, but children are so forgiving.
There have been some challenges – like when I was flying solo for the first time, taking the kids out on my own to the supermarket. That took all of my military planning and precision! Going on holiday for the first time was tough – the youngest two thought they were moving house again.
But the children have all become so much more confident and settled. They’re bickering and fighting with each other less. We’ve got used to the house being lived in – the sofa takes a kicking, we find pen marks in the toilet and in the bedrooms, and our cars are an absolute tip as well. I find lolly sticks and sweets down the sides and stickers all over the place!
But with every year it just becomes easier. And they are respectful kids – we’re really hard on manners and respect.
There are so many horror stories about adoption processes that have gone wrong, of nightmare children and families that have fallen apart. Or people who think that adopting is a consolation prize. But the number of people who grow up in a traditional family these days is so rare anyway. During our training we encountered so many different, wonderful people, a lot of same-sex couples, single adopters, and we really welcome anyone who comes to make that decision.
So many people tell us “I couldn’t do what you do” and I know it’s a compliment, but equally, I know other people can do this. It doesn’t have to look exactly like how we did it, but people are so much more capable than they realise. They’ve got a lot more love to give.
I’m about to go on my first holiday with some friends since becoming a dad. The kids have packed me a teddy – it’s those full-circle moments that are just so full of joy.
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