Last Thursday, in what must have been a fit of fibre deficiency, I went round the corner to a Tesco Express to buy some butter beans. Given the ubiquity of bright yellow jars of “Bold Bean Co” that have made stodge trendy, I did not expect this to be a remotely difficult mission. But there were none to be found – not even the cheapo cans. And none in any of the nearby supermarkets or corner shops. So, my attempt at a healthy dinner ended up on the scrapheap.
A couple of hours later a series of messages from my dad in the family group chat pointed to a possible reason why. “Sounds mad but should keep a couple of five-litre bottles of water at home and some tinned food to last a few days.”
What followed was a series of links to articles about the Government’s advice to prep for emergencies, and contrasting warnings of “serious message here”, “Swedes are a long way ahead on this” to reassurances: “Don’t read if it stresses u out but all sensible”, “sorry, just info”, “got year’s supply of wine!” “Traitors tonight!”
I think it’s fair to say that I am not prepared for an emergency of any kind. I’ve got about £80 in cash from selling a bed on Facebook Marketplace six months ago and 25 tins of Ortiz tuna that I buy for a fraction of the exorbitant price found here whenever I go on holiday to Spain. I would never for a second consider spending money on bottled water, and my box of scant medical supplies is so sticky and so pungent that I think some mosquito repellent must have leaked at some point, and use of anything in there poses serious risk of infection.
My dad, meanwhile, had been sorted long before the Government sent up the bat signal. A chest freezer and a fridge-freezer so full I’ve got him on a supermarket ban before Christmas, a battery-powered radio in every room of the house, an alarming variety of dry goods and vacuum-packed cured meat, “enough clothes to see me out” as he reminds me often and an inability to walk the dog around the very well-lit block without the accompaniment of one of his special torches. Which, as has been explained many times, are so powerful that any attacker would be blinded instantly should they make the mistake of stepping into his path. And that’s before we get to the six decades of camping equipment. If he should choose to live off-grid in his camper van, he’ll be fine for at least four months thanks to his unwavering commitment to the brands Vango, Trangia and Campingaz.
None of this is driven by fear or paranoia, you understand, nor is it even a deliberate attempt at preparation for anything: it’s just his way of life. He’s a retired, middle-class boomer. He’s got no mortgage, his children are no longer dependent – though I can already hear him scoffing at this – he has more free time than he’s ever had in his life to read articles about the best chickpeas on the market and so why not spend his teachers’ pension stocking up on them when there’s a good deal on Ocado? His generation have got the means and the space for surplus.
But where am I going to keep enough bottled water to keep me alive in a storm when I can barely afford a flat with a cupboard under the stairs, let alone a loft or a garage? How can I justify keeping a supply of proper cash squirreled away when I’m supposed to be putting every spare penny into my pension? How am I going to avoid cracking open my emergency beans the next time I forget to go to the shops on my way home from work and I’m too burnt out and hungry to bear leaving the house again? My life is not set up for “just in case” – it’s already hard to convince myself “insurance” is not a luxury – and it is difficult to see stockpiling “extra” as more than a waste of precious resources I’m usually in far greater need of right now.
When the apocalypse comes, the true generational divide between boomers and millennials will be exposed. And, in line with the Government’s guidelines, I will indeed “be ready”… to pack my tins of posh tuna and move into my dad’s.
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