Both of my children are pandemic babies, with one born in late February 2020, when things were getting rather weird. As a toddler, my eldest was an absolute master of independent play. He made games out of rolling La Croix cans around the kitchen and taking Tupperware out of the cabinet. Sometimes, I felt bad—Montessori parenting was all over my feed back then, and I saw these beautifully curated playrooms with lots of toys. My child was playing with sparkling water and plastic.
I have since learned that Montessori is less about the toys/aesthetic and more about child-led play. I finally released that guilt in 2023, when The New York Times ran a piece titled “Let Kids Be Bored. It’s Good for Them.” Around this time, the zeitgeist also focused on teaching us “how to raise independent kids.” I scrolled past all of that advice—my oldest was nailing it, and his younger brother, ever eager to be just like his sibling, followed suit. They also loved playing in the snow and rain, so I felt like I already knew how to get kids to play outside.
These habits continued throughout preschool. Yet, one thing I noticed this past summer after my oldest graduated from kindergarten: he’d gotten used to structured days with activities—Art! Gym! Circle time! The number of times I heard “I’m bored” on the first day of summer made my hair stand on end.
I started scheduling lots of fun activities to curate my children’s summer. By mid-August, I was dealing with modern parenting burnout. I knew fall would bring school, but I needed weekends to feel less structured. I started to wonder, “Why was childhood better in the ’90s?” Then it occurred to me: my parents didn’t care if I was bored, meaning I had to find ways to entertain myself. So, I decided to bring back one of the ’90s parenting rules I thought my kids needed most. It turns out, my intuition was right. Here’s what happened.
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The ‘90s Rule We Brought Back: You Can Deal With Boredom
Courtesy Beth Ann Mayer
Did I love all ’90s parenting rules? Nah. My kids drink more water than apple juice, and I don’t do timeouts and try not to raise my voice. But looking back, I appreciated the more free-range parenting style I grew up with. My parents didn’t see boredom as a problem to fix; I read voraciously and made books for family and friends out of printer paper, crayons and staples. (And look at me now!)
It’s hard to do that in the modern era, with screens everywhere (dial-up internet didn’t enter my home until I was in middle school, and my mom had some of the strictest recommended “screen-time rules for families” ever). Yet life seemed… less stressful, and I missed those moments. I wanted them for my boys.
So I pledged: I’m going to let my kids be bored. I’m going to let them figure it out, as long as they aren’t putting themselves at risk (no diving off couches, youngest child). Boredom isn’t a problem to fix most of the time—it’s an opportunity.
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Why Modern ‘Intensive Parenting’ Was Burning Us Out
I don’t have time to be a helicopter parent with my work schedule. But when I am around my children, I’m a bit more intense as a parent. Since life went back to normal-ish post-pandemic, I’ve done a ton of curating, and this summer was off the rails.
See, my oldest truly blossomed at school (and so did my youngest, who was more of an end-of-pandemic baby and had a more normal early childhood). After the weirdest first two years of life in modern history (hidden away for safety reasons during a pandemic), he could finally play with other kids. I have adored his teachers.
There’s also so much pressure to curate every aspect of your child’s life. Sometimes, I feel guilty in group texts where parents list how many activities their kids are in. I wonder, “Am I not doing enough?” Other times, I feel like I’m already doing too much, especially when I rush to come up with ideas to keep my kids from getting bored. This summer, I planned grand adventures for my kids from Montauk to Manhattan. We went to the Museum of Natural History, which was admittedly a lot of fun. We also went to the Hamptons, plus library programs, two vacations and camps—anything to keep them from feeling bored!
Unsurprisingly, I’m dealing with burnout from modern parenting. I was getting snippy and short—which I don’t want to do—because I was exhausted, and it was rubbing off on my kids.
I’m not alone. Research suggests parents spend more leisure time with their children than they used to, especially moms.
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The Psychological Benefits of ’90s-Style Parenting
Courtesy Beth Ann Mayer
My desire to bring back a ’90s-style parenting rule wasn’t based on the same nostalgia as my love of Peloton’s boy band and Britney Spears rides. There was something to a more unstructured life.
“We want to raise kids who don’t surrender their judgment outward, and look inward for direction,” states Dr. Amy Vigliotti, PhD, a licensed psychologist and the founder of SelfWorks.
Here are some of the psychological benefits of unstructured play, and what I noticed when I implemented this ’90s parenting rule.
1. It gives kids more freedom
As long as safety is the most important thing, Dr. Vigliotti notes that “unstructured play encourages more freedom in the child and lets them learn their own lessons and interests.”
Isn’t it ironic? I’ve been signing my kids up for camps to help them explore their interests, and all this time they could’ve found them by playing with LEGO sets and reading? And after some initial griping, my sons did indeed lose themselves in books.
They began playing with blocks and action figures again, making up their own storylines—it was like before they got used to their teachers and parents filling their time with structured art projects, worksheets and museum trips.
2. It opens the door to creativity
Dr. Vigliotti points out that unstructured play lets kids explore their imaginations.
“Being bored forces your brain to utilize its creativity,” she shares.
I remember all the worlds I created during periods of “boredom” as a child. Besides making books, I filled my time by inventing personalities and backstories for my stuffed animals, playing in box forts and seeing how far I could jump off a swing.
These skills matter as kids grow into adults and enter the workforce—even if they don’t go into a creative field. For instance, scientists, politicians and public health officials have to solve problems creatively, too, right?
My kids spent time drawing with chalk and crayons. They made up games in the backyard without a single toy. When I saw that, I knew we were making progress.
3. It gives kids independence and confidence
I see parenting as a long game, so this psychological benefit of unstructured play hit home.
“Less control over children gives them a sense of independence and confidence in their own thinking and character,” Dr. Vigliotti says.
To me, this benefit is especially necessary in a world with so much on-demand technology that can think for us.
“One of the most important things we can do as parents is guide our kids to reflect inward and develop trust in what their body is telling them,” she explains. “This self-trust grows with them. It starts as recognizing when they are bored or tired or hungry, and later develops into the kind of confidence teens need to prevent danger and move away from peer pressure.”
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How To Implement This Retro Rule Without the Modern Guilt
Courtesy Beth Ann Mayer
It’s not easy to let kids be bored, but if you’re tired of planning every aspect of their lives, here are some tips for implementing unstructured play, sans guilt.
Get your mindset right. I realized the biggest barrier to letting my kids be themselves was my guilt and my low tolerance for whining. I had to zoom out and remind myself of the long game I’ve tried to prioritize over the years. Have your “why” or some sort of mantra. Stick it on a mirror or in your journal if you need to, but get your mind in the right place (including thinking about how you’ll handle problems) before setting ground rules with kids. Be kind and firm. Lead with empathy, but hold your boundary. Dr. Vigliotti suggests “breathing through the whining without the frustration of being dismissive.” I often said, “I know! Boredom is annoying sometimes! I also know you’re a creative and fun kid who can figure this out.” Don’t solve the problem. Thanks to the mindset work, I didn’t give my kids toys or start planning activities for them. I kept expressing confidence that they could find something to do. “When we remain curious and don’t correct or solve a feeling away for a kid, we help them notice what their brain and body are telling them and give them the space to learn to respond to it,” Dr. Vigliotti states.Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What Actually Motivates Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
3 More ’90s Parenting Habits Worth Resurrecting Today
Impressed with my results from this experiment, I was eager to try some other ’90s parenting trends. Dr. Vigliotti gave me some ideas.
Bringing back family time and connection. Dr. Vigliotti says this time “supports the child with a sense of identity and security in the household.” I’m also trying to make family dinners and breakfasts more consistent in our home this fall. Fewer screens. You knew this one was coming, right? “Children in the ’90s were raised with less technology, which gave children access to a healthy amount of screen time,” Dr. Vigliotti shares. I’ve held off on getting my kids iPads, and I’ll stick with that. But every family is different. Think about what screen-time rules work for your family. Solve peer problems. We haven’t run into this one yet, but I am hoping that learning how to be bored sets the stage for our kids to try to solve most of their conflicts with peers as we did back in the day. “This was beneficial for the child’s development of social skills and allowed them to come up with their own ways to solve their issues instead of relying on the parent,” Dr. Vigliotti reports.Up Next:
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Sources:
Dr. Amy Vigliotti, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and the founder of SelfWorks. Who Experiences Leisure Deficits? Mothers’ Marital Status and Leisure Time (2016). Journal of Marriage and Family. Meeting the Challenges of Intensive Parenting Culture: Gender, Risk Management and the Moral Parent (2011). British Sociological Association. Family Leisure and Changing Ideologies of Parenthood (2008). Sociology Compass.Hence then, the article about i brought back one 90s family rule and it s been the best thing for my kids was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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