If so, you’ve probably been the target of a passive-aggressive comment. The two halves of the very phrase “passive-aggressive” spell out the familiar dynamic, says Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has studied how people express conflict at work. Someone is expressing opposition or anger—the aggressive part—but doing so indirectly. The words leave room for an innocent interpretation. The tone? Not so much.
Sometimes it feels safer to hint at a feeling than to say it directly. Admitting you feel some sort of way calls for a kind of vulnerability that a sarcastic remark does not. “Some people just haven’t learned how to say or don’t feel comfortable saying, ‘I’m hurt. You hurt my feelings,’” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York City. If you grew up around people who rarely said what they meant, the indirect approach might even feel normal.
Still, understanding where a comment might come from doesn’t make it feel any better to hear. It can leave you wondering whether you’ve been insulted—and how to answer an accusation the other person never quite made.
How to respond to a passive-aggressive comment
The question should be an invitation, not an accusation. “Why are you being so passive-aggressive?” may be tempting, McKenzie says, but you’ll likely end up arguing about their tone instead of whatever is actually bothering them. Returning the sarcasm tends to cause the same problem, with two people annoyed instead of one.
If you have a good idea of what's underneath the comment, you can acknowledge that, too. Say your partner responds to your plans with friends by remarking that you certainly have time for everyone else. Baker suggests reassuring them that you want to spend time together and proposing a plan: “I’m going out tonight, but I’d really like to have dinner with you tomorrow.” You don’t need to cancel your plans to show that you care.
And sometimes the best response is no response. If a friend makes one out-of-character comment on a rough day, Gluck says, you can let it pass. If it keeps happening, that’s a different conversation.
What to do when someone is repeatedly passive-aggressive
The same pattern can emerge in families. Say you tell your mother it upset you when she criticized you in front of relatives, and she replies, “I guess I’m just a bad mom.” Gluck suggests saying: “That’s not what I said. I was trying to tell you how I feel, and it hurts when you put those words in my mouth.” That brings the conversation back to what she said in front of your relatives, instead of turning it into a debate about whether she’s a good mother.
It’s also fair to be clear about what you’re willing to do next. Consider borrowing McKenzie’s go-to line for recurring comments: “I’m willing to have difficult conversations with you. I’m not willing to keep guessing what you mean.”
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